Why see them after they’re gone?

[nevertherightweather]

I lost my mum 4 years ago. She was fairly young (had me very young) and should have had decades left. But cancer took her and I am heart broken.
I remember the day we had a call and was asked to go to hospital. So we hurried straight there. When we arrived we were put in a room and waited there for ages. Finally someone came and told us my lovely mum had a heart attack (due to cancer encroaching on her heart) and died. I was (still am) devastated because I never truly believed she would leave us. Next thing was “let’s go and see her”. And so I saw her there, lifeless and gone. It was awful. It haunts me to this day.

Do you think it’s really necessary to see your loved one after they’re gone? I don’t know. My partner thinks is but didn’t say why. I think about this horrid day a lot.
what do you think?

I think it's up to the person. I went and said goodbye to both my parents. I wouldn't judge someone who didn't though. Grief is a very personal thing.

Definitely a personal decision. For some it helps, others not.

My beloved gran died at home and I sat next to her for an hour until the undertaker came. My uncle couldn’t go in the room. Both perfectly understandable.
So sorry for your loss

Yeah, it's very much individual. Some people want to take in that their loved one is gone, others would rather not see it. I remember I could have seen my grandmother after she died, but I chose not to.

It's an entirely personal choice. I chose to see both parents and I'm glad that I did, but equally someone may feel that they don't want to.

There are no rules to grief. Just do what feels right for that person at that moment in time.

Open caskets are culturally normal here, so everyone’s more used to it, but no, no need if you don’t want to. I’m sorry for your loss.💐

It helped for me to see my late husband. Circumstances were complicated, and it was helpful for me to have an image of him looking at peace.

I think it’s a very personal decision, there are no rules with grief. I lost my mum 3 months ago to a sudden illness and I was there until the end. I chose to sit with her for a while afterwards and I also went to see her a few days later. The image never leaves my brain but I also don’t regret going. It helped me to realise she was gone. My brother didn’t want to go and see her and that’s also perfectly ok

Oh you poor thing, that sounds devastating. I think it's completely down to personal choice and we should normalise this. There is a perceived pressure to say goodbye in person. That seems unfair and unnecessary.

I feel very sorry for you, but I do suspect you'd feel the opposite- a guilt about not going to see her- had you not done so.

Grief and death are not easy and there are no shortcuts sadly. In some ways whatever you do in this situation will be 'wrong' from a grief point of view (not really wrong of course, nothing you've done here is wrong).

I hope it gets better for you.

It’s a personal choice, and defo not for me. As a child I vividly remember my dad talking about his ongoing trauma about being made to go see his mum’s body after she died. The image never left him. I always want to try and remember loved ones as they were. My siblings are the same. None of us went to see either parent after they died. Why do it? They are not going to know or care. Absolutely no regrets.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad at a young age, he was ill in hospital and I was with him when he died. He went from looking awful, in pain and swollen to much more like his old self, and so much at peace with half an hour of him dying. I think that helped me seeing a ‘better’ version of him than just before his death. He was however still in bed and it wasn’t as clinical as I think seeing him in a chapel of rest may have been. Grief and all that comes with it is so very personal and I suppose it has to be what feels right at the time

There is no right or wrong here. Just what is right for the individual. I was holding my wife's hand when she died just short of a year ago, also of cancer. I waited in the hospital until they had done their thing, and then went to see her again. Part of me did that just to make sure she had really gone and that it wasn't some horrible mistake.

I would have left it there, however the dog searched the house every morning when he woke, and every time we had been out and came back, so I asked the undertaker if I could take the dog in to see her. We arrived, he went nuts for a second, realised, then just sat with her for about 15 minutes. He never searched the house again. I didn't much enjoy seeing her, but I am pleased I did it for the dog. I have found more solace visiting her final resting place.

I envy religious people sometimes.

I saw my husband just after he died - I got back to the hospital just too late. My son was with me. I am glad I saw him as it made me realise whatever made him him, had already gone.

It sounds as though, in the shock and numbness of the situation, you didn't have the time or mental space to make your own decision, and you were caught up in someone else's "let's go and see her". The trauma of that time is still with you, so you ruminate on the decisions that couldn't be processed at the time.

I don't think you will ever 'process' that decision, you'll never reach a settled position about what you 'should' have done, because the ruminations are not really about answers, they are flashbacks to trauma.

I saw my son twice after he died. The first time he was himself, halted, and I called his name. I still repeat that soft call, feeling myself in the same situation - the situation of him being 'almost' here. The second time, days later, he was like a wax puppet of himself and I wished I hadn't seen him.

I had to see my husband. I hoped it would make me believe he was dead as it had been such a sudden death. It was awful to see him, but it did make me realise he was gone. He didn’t look good though, so I have mixed feelings about it.
I didn’t see either of my parents who had died from long illnesses so I knew they’d look awful. It was hard enough seeing them at the end, and I wanted to try and remember them when they’d been healthy.
I think it’s up to you and the circumstances, there’s no right answer.

We missed my mum dying in hospital by 15 mins. Lovely nurse led us to her room to spend some time with her. She assumed it's what we wanted. Will always remember sitting on a chair while my mum stared at me with lifeless eyes.
When my dad died in hospital, I left just before he died when he was still warm and looked peaceful.
Never felt the need to see either of them in their coffins but my brother did, as he took comfort from it.
Each to their own.

It's a very personal choice and you should have been given the choice, not simply ushered in to see her.
I found seeing DF in the chapel of rest hugely comforting. He looked and felt like my Dad again, after a harrowing final week. DM died of dementia and, again, seeing her at peace after the years of chaos was actually rather lovely.

I know just how you feel, OP. I agree thst it’s a very personal decision. My dad was found dead at home over 30 years ago and I received a call from the Police when I was at work, asking me to come as quickly as I could. My parents were divorced but still very close and we picked up my mum on the way. when we arrived I assumed we were being shown into a room to sign forms or talk to someone, but when we went in, my dad was lying on a catafalque. I was quite naive and he was the first close relative who had died and hadn’t realised I was going in to see him. I found it very shocking and distressing. I can still see him lying there all these years later, and my lasting picture of him was that he would have been horrified that his hair hadn’t been combed properly by whoever had laid him out. In contrast, my mum found it helped to give her a sense of closure and went back to see him again before the funeral. I was with my mum when she died four years ago, and had been sitting with her for a couple of hours, stroking her forehead and holding her hand, and it was all very peaceful. It was very comforting for me to be with her at the end of her life. I went back to see her briefly once the nurses had washed her and I didn’t find it the same as with my dad, but maybe because she had only been dead for half an hour or so.

I went to Australia with my mum when my brother died, and it was very important for her to sit with him in the funeral home for half an hour. It’s not something I could have done, but there was no pressure to see him, and I think it’s generally accepted tjst people have very different feelings about seeing a loved one once they’ve passed away.

No I don’t. I can’t see the point.

It's personal choice. My Dad died in a hospice. My husband said I should see him and i did, my brother chose not to. It wasn't easy but I took it as a chance to say a final goodbye.

My sibling died young after an accident. I didn’t go the funeral home. I just couldn’t face that being the last “sight”. It’s a personal thing and other people did visit because they felt they needed to say goodbye.

Possibly I would go and see a parent / someone who died later in their life.

My mum died a year ago from cancer and I sat with her afterwards. My brother didn’t want to which is fair enough.
I made myself a cup of tea and sat and talked to her. We always had a cup of tea and a chat and I felt it was my last opportunity. It was actually really peaceful and nice.
I didn’t go and see my dad because I was considered too young at the time. I don’t know if it would have made me feel better. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong. You just do what you feel capable of at the time.

I saw my parents after they died.
My husband went to identify our son's body. I am so grateful to him for going alone because I couldn't bear it. I advised our other children not to go to see him because I knew it would add to their trauma. It is a very personal thing. Awful if you have no choice like my poor dh.

When my father in law died, DH chose to see him but DH's mum and brother chose not to. It's a really personal decision. OP I'm sorry if you felt pressured into seeing her

It's different for everyone.

No-one should feel pressured to see someone. Or feel guilty that they didn't want to see them.

DH died suddenly at home. A relative suggested I keep him here until the DC made it home. I didn't. Later I felt very guilty and spoke to them about it. All 4 said that they wouldn't have wanted that (they were horrified). 2 went to see him at the undertaker 2 wanted to remember him as they last saw him. All did what was right for them with no judgement or pressure. All are happy with their decision.

@HappiestSleeping DH was a great believer in letting animals see that another animal had passed (we never discussed people). I did take his dog in to see him that day. He said goodbye and left the room. It was so sad. The dog used to sit at the gate waiting for DH every time he went out. He has never once looked for him or sat at the gate waiting.