Why see them after they’re gone?

[nevertherightweather]

I lost my mum 4 years ago. She was fairly young (had me very young) and should have had decades left. But cancer took her and I am heart broken.
I remember the day we had a call and was asked to go to hospital. So we hurried straight there. When we arrived we were put in a room and waited there for ages. Finally someone came and told us my lovely mum had a heart attack (due to cancer encroaching on her heart) and died. I was (still am) devastated because I never truly believed she would leave us. Next thing was “let’s go and see her”. And so I saw her there, lifeless and gone. It was awful. It haunts me to this day.

Do you think it’s really necessary to see your loved one after they’re gone? I don’t know. My partner thinks is but didn’t say why. I think about this horrid day a lot.
what do you think?

Sorry for the loss of your lovely mom!

As others have said, it's absolutely personal choice. My dad died at the start of this year, and my brother, mom and I were all in the room with him when this happened, but we did also make the choice to go to the funeral home to spend some time with the body once it was prepared for cremation - I think we all found comfort in seeing what a beautiful job they had done of dressing him in his best suit, and making him look presentable and at peace - and my daughter and I had embroidered him some handkerchiefs (he had dementia and had an obsession with handkerchiefs - they made him very happy!) and it meant a lot to me to put them in his pocket when I went to say goodbye, so I knew he would have them with him on his final journey.

I have just reread what I have written there and you wouldn't believe that I am normally a fairly rational, unsentimental person! But these things gave me great emotional comfort at an awful time. I would not previously have expected to feel like this - it was all very instinctual.

DD's dad lost his dad a couple of years ago - he wasn't with him when he died, sadly - and he said he was offered the chance to view the body and had zero interest in doing so - he could think of nothing worse! He was very close to my own dad so I offered him the chance to go to the funeral home to see my dad too, and again, he had zero desire to and was surprised I asked. I totally understood and respected this.

I think it's important to offer the chance to grieving relatives where possible/appropriate, but there should be absolutely no judgement or pressure if one chooses not to.

And thank you for starting the thread, OP. I think it's important that we talk more about what happens when people die, both in practical and emotional terms, as death is one of the few things that's certain in life, and yet it's rarely discussed, which in my opinion makes grieving even harder than it need to be.

I hope you find peace and comfort in ways that work for you, OP.

I saw both parents when they passed , but my brother died last month and been advised he's not in a good condition so can't see him.

My dad passed away unexpectedly at home and we had to help get him into the funeral directors’ van meaning my last image is a traumatic one. From my perspective, I was hoping to see him in the chapel of rest so that my last time seeing him would’ve been in his comfy clothes we’d picked out and most importantly so I knew he was being looked after, but the funeral directors advised not to. I’m 10 months on and I still feel like there’s a disconnect within my brain because of not having that ‘closure’; on some level I know he’s gone but because I didn’t see him in the coffin there’s almost an open ended element to it. I must sound completely batty, apologies!

I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself x

I was with my dad when he died. I was a bit spooked by his body afterwards and didn't feel any comfort from it. When the undertakers turned up ro collect him hours later they asked if I wanted to say goodbye but I didn't see the point. He was gone.

My mum died in hospital soon after I visited. I didn't see her body and am glad about it.

In both cases I had my sense of closure already prior to their deaths. I think it's different if you haven't.

My dad died 3 weeks ago from pneumonia and dementia. It's his funeral later this week. I was with him at hospital when he died. I chose to visit him at the funeral home last week, open casket. I appreciated being able to talk to him again and hold his hand. It also helped me remember that he's gone. He looked very peaceful.
I was with my mum when she passed away a few years ago, also in hospital. She died from heart failure and pneumonia. I chose to visit her at the funeral home in the same way and again found it was the right thing for me.

Good luck with your decision and sorry for your loss.

Was replying to @NoisyBrickDog , sorry.

My MIL wanted to see her DH as the last image she had of him was contorted in a heap in the garden wearing scruffy gardening clothes then being given CPR (which looks very violent in real life) by paramedics.

She wanted to see him at peace, looking nice and cleaning wearing his suit and tie as he loved getting dressed up and always looked super smart except when gardening!

That gave her peace. I hated every second though as all I could see was mottled skin covered in caked on thick oily makeup. Add to that the smell of incense attempting to cover up the smell of embalming was horrible. I personally don't think I'll ever choose to do a viewing unless its to accompany a relative.

I saw both my parents and my DH. I found it reassuring really, the person you knew and loved has gone.

I saw my mum after she died and regretted it. It traumatised me for a long time. As a result when my brother passed suddenly, followed by my dad, I chose not to see them after. I know some people thought I was odd but I have no regrets at all. I loved them all deeply, I didn’t want my last memory to be their dead bodies. That is not a comfort for me. However, I respect that that is not the same for all.

People are so different. There's no right or wrong.

In my case, I was the person who found my loved one deceased. I am very glad of that as I was able to see they looked peaceful and nothing was left to the imagination. I think it was less traumatic for me. I think my mind would have gone all over the place with fears if I hadn't had that knowing.

A friend in a similar situation chose not to see their loved one at all. That was right for them. They have no regrets. I have no regrets.

Do what is right for you.

It's very personal and ime depends on the person and relationship.

I saw my lovely nan-in-law shortly after she died (she was at home and MIL and I went to check on her and she'd gone). I felt very at peace with the fact that who she essentially was has drifted away and it was comforting.

When my dad passed away 13 years later I wasn't there but had no qualms about seeing him in that the undertakers and was more worried about my mum who is highly strung at the best of times. As it turned out, Mum was fine, found it really comforting and went back twice more prior to the funeral.

I, on the other hand, was absolutely hysterical (which is not me at all), ran out of the room screaming 'that's not my dad' and only returned when they kindly offered me a closed coffin visit the day before the funeral.

I can't imagine a situation where I would even attempt to do an open coffin visit again.

My Mum died in May in her care home, she was 94. I was with her all day the day before. She had stopped being able to talk and we just sat comfy together and held hands. It was a peaceful almost dreamlike time. I fully understand how lucky we were and feel very grateful that we got to spend those few days together. She died in the early morning before I got there.

I chose not to see her, I didn't want to feel her cold. I wanted the last memory to be nice. I don't know whether it was selfish or not. I don't regret it though.

There's no right or wrong. I drove my mum and brothers to the funeral home to go and see my dad but i stayed outside as it wasn't something i wanted to do. My mum placed a teddy in with him from me. The decision to go and see him was right for them but not for me.

I saw my mum in a coffin when I was 16 because it was a sudden death and I needed to see her to believe it.

I saw my grandma (she was 98) because I wanted to whisper to her ‘go and see your mum’ - her mum had died in childbirth with her. No idea why I felt the need to say it to her but I did 🤷🏽‍♀️

When my son died he was living in Australia, and was brought home to Scotland

I desperately wanted to see him, but was told no due to his injuries and "mother nature"

I needed to make sure it was him even though he was identified by dental records and one of the funeral directors who dressed him, knew him personally.

I still regret that I didn't see him and I'll always have these moments of "what if it wasn't him and it was a mistake"

I think for me I needed a sort of closure, and ill never have it. So I totally understand why people need to see loved ones but also understand tat it isnt for everyone.

I saw my parents, dad was looking good, but mum...

It's such an individual choice. I didn't go and see my dad after he died. He died suddenly and I wanted to remember him as he was. I might have felt differently if he'd been ill beforehand.

I am so sorry that happened to you OP. I think it is entirely a personal choice, and nothing is right or wrong.

Having said that, you couldn't pay me to do it. My dm saw her mum shortly after she had died and said it looked nothing like her. She later told me that her mum had actually advised her, years before, not to see anyone after they had died, but she felt she had to, which was why she did. She was sorry she had because that was her last memory. Dm said to me that she would echo her mum's advice of not, so I haven't. I have never felt the need to (I have lost a number of people I was very close to). I know of many others who felt seeing the person gave them a real sense of peace of closure.

I went to see him today ( closed coffin) played him his entrance song. ( funeral is Friday) said my goodbyes..he was my little brother only 55.😭💔.

I think it’s highly personal. After my father died I was called to attend as my mother had found him. I instinctively asked the paramedic if I could see him. I wanted to know he was gone, I think. It was quite shocking, but he had also bled out a fair bit so there was very much smells and fluids to contend with. But I am glad I saw him.

I have my pets see other pets when one passes. It helps them process instead of just thinking they’ve vanished - brains are funny things, and we work so much on habit and routine that it does take a while to really understand someone has gone if we don’t see them.

I'm sorry for your loss op

My dm passed away 6 weeks ago. She was ill in a care home but normally she bounces back. She was 67. I didn't make it up there in time but went to see her an hour after she passed. I wanted to see her as I was in complete denial it happened. It didn't really help me accept thats shes really gone tbh. Only one other sibling went to see her, the other 3 chose not too

She looked like she was asleep but she was cool to touch. I don't regret seeing her. I did have her randomly popping in my head as I tried to sleep laying on the bed dead for a few weeks which kept me awake at night but I would do it all over again to see her one last time

I watched my mother die. It was in hospital and wasn't traumatic. I sat for a few minutes but gave my siblings the opportunity to have their own few minutes. I wish it had been longer.

I wasn't there when my dad died and chose not to see him. I just wanted to remember him the way he was when he was fit and healthy.

I’ve now seen three bodies, and I was only with one of them when they died. That one was less bad than the others. But I hated it every time. If by some horrible chance ds dies before me I will want to see his body but otherwise I will only do it if there is some major reason like having to identify them.

I have been there when several relatives have died, or very soon after, in hospital. I found that okay but seeing a friends partner at the funeral home was awful - I could cope as he was not close to me.
I am haunted by how awful one person close to me looked in his last few days before he died.

Personal decision.

This is pretty much exactly how I felt after my parents died. I was there when my mum died, and that was bad enough. When my dad died we were called in the middle of the night and went to see him. It already didn’t look like him and I kind of feel like I wish I hadn’t. My best friend didn’t seem like her anymore either. I’ve even felt like that when pets have died.
i very much prefer to remember them all as they were.