This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

Thank you @frostyfingers sorry to hear that things are so hard for you too. Bleak is a good way to sum it all up, but we will get through it, I was reading something this morning about giving yourself credit just for things like getting out of bed and making a decent meal even if you don’t want to.

I went to a talk by Simon Reeve - he's a traveller/adventurer and has done lots of programmes on the BBC which I love - and he talked about his early life which was very difficult. He said that his mantra was "step by step", don't look too far ahead and just deal with what is right in front of you, right this minute - which is so true for those of us on this particular journey.

Have given myself a bit of credit just now, came down to make breakfast, got a crumpet out and found it was mouldy, put some toast on and burnt it to a cinder, made coffee and the milk was off. I forced myself to make another coffee and something else to eat even though I felt sitting on the floor and crying!

Yes, I think step by step is a very good mantra.

I’m full of woe today. I have an injury which has been getting progressively worse and am missing DH who would have tried hard to cheer me up and offer practical help.

It's so hard. If it wasn't for my dog I don't think I would even get dressed. You can't ignore the needs of a 50kg dog.
I totally empathise with the mouldy bread situation. I have had to throw out so much food in the past 6 months. It's one more thing that I'm failing at.
ComeIntoTheGardenMaud I think when you are hurt/ unwell it just makes you feel so alone. Even though my DH was never very sympathetic he would always make me laugh and feel less sorry for myself.
I keep telling myself one foot in front of the other but it's such a depressing way to live. I miss my world of rainbows and unicorns.

@Roseshavethorns my pets definitely force me to get up, including a new kitten who has brought some joy back, equally I feel so tired and my fibromyalgia is bad (understandably) at the moment so having to keep going is a double edged sword.
Don’t feel you are failing with mouldy food, packets tend to come in sizes too big for one person to finish.

@frostyfingers I hope your checkup goes well. I have another six months to wait before I get a mammogram for my results. Being dealt the breast cancer card after DH died I felt was one of the most awful things. To navigate the road of surgery, et cetera pretty much alone without DH has been truly difficult. Not only that my treatment centre is basically where DH was treated towards the end of his life so it’s like a bloody double whammy.

I have a 36 kg dog who basically gets me out of bed in the morning or even in the middle of the night if he feels like going for a poo. Does my head in some day but it’s so nice to come through the door to somebody wagging their tail.

I threw quite a bit of food away yesterday and I chased as much as I could I thought I wouldn’t eat into the freezer if it was the sort of thing that could be frozen. Then I sat down and I wrote myself 14 meals which I’ve decided I can have on a two week rotation and I’m basically going to aim to have most of those things in my freezer. I hate the fact that it’s so difficult to buy stuff for one person. Nothing is loose anymore. DH used to munch his way through all sorts of fruit during the week and I still buy it. I’m pretty much throw it away in unopened packages so I’ve decided frozen fruit is the way forward now.

i’ve got a major project on at work and I must admit it’s been quite useful as a distraction from grief. I do miss coming home and not talking to DH about it though. He was a very big part of our family business and there are times when I wish I could just email him and get him to send me back the answer to some of the things it never occurred to me I should’ve written down.

@Hisredipad that’s actually a really good idea to do meal planning, I did always do that when the children were at home, I must get back into the habit.

I have found a company called Stocked which do stuff in frozen pre portioned blocks, it’s all fresh ingredients and means you don’t end up throwing veg and mushrooms etc out as you couldn’t finish a packet. There are some lovely things like Chicken Cacciatore that I know I wouldn’t want to bother cooking for one. My DD gave me a voucher and I have found it very helpful.

First post from me although I have been reading this thread and seeing the support and information sharing between you all.
Anyway, my DH died last week - he’d had a longstanding blood condition that, ultimately, led to his organs shutting down. So, although he was unwell for a few years, the final deterioration came quite quickly and he died within a week of his admission to hospital. That meant that the kids and I had some time with him before he died but it was till quite a shock.
i am still quite stunned by it all. I have been supporting the kids, my parents, his friends - but no-one is supporting me. But then, I am not asking for support - which is very me! I just don’t know what to do/think/feel 😢

I'm sorry @mummymacphee . There are no words to express what needs to be said.

Yes, you find that in most cases it's those of us who have been robbed of our husbands who find ourselves being expected to support everyone else - and because we do what we can for others, an assumption is made that we're strong and coping.

I wouldn't ever wish to go through the early days again, but if I could give myself from those days one piece of advice it would be not to choke out "I'm okay" whenever someone says "How are you?"

I'd tell the truth: "I feel awful. I feel as though my life has come to an end. I need help. I need another adult to help me."

I'm so so sorry. As we keep saying, no one wants to be in this club.

Hello, mummymcphee. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join.

Please find someone who will support you. It is draining to be supporting others without any incoming support. Also (and I say this with kindness) perhaps reevaluate who you are supporting - surely his friends, who cared for him, should be supporting you and the children?

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud @WearyAuldWumman Thank you both so much. It feels so good to hear from people who have actually been through this. No matter how well intentioned other people’s words are, they just don’t bloody get it! The only person who I want to talk to about it is my DH 🙁
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Definitely ask for some support @mummymacphee, I have had to ask DD to come up for a few days, I have had back pain and dog is going for an operation on Tuesday. It’s very easy to keep trying to put a brave face on, but it does catch up with you eventually, I haven’t had such a bad spell of back pain for several years. Sorry for your loss x

Thank you - the ‘doing stuff’ feels like the only thing that’s keeping me going - and stopping me from actually thinking about what’s happening. It’s hard to know what to ask for when people offer to help.
I’ve got two DC and two SDC and I’ve given them all a job as part of the funeral planning - which is tricky for a control freak like me!

It’s a known thing that people will say “Let me know if I can do anything” and that’s hard because it puts you on the spot to think of something when you don’t really know what you need. Could someone cook some meals for you to reheat, give you or the DC a lift somewhere? Maybe jot a few things down and ask for those things.

@Evenstar I know - it almost feels like yet another job for me - to think of a nice neat thing they can do! I know I sound ungrateful but my patience is just about done

Yes, I found (still find) the ‘let me know if I can do anything to help’ brigade very difficult and actually rather annoying. My brain has melted and I don’t have the capacity to think of something for you to do; I want you of your own accord to think of something and to do it without guidance from me. It doesn’t have to be anything heroic.

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Exactly! 👍

Yup! I really value those friends who check in and who make suggestions, however simple. I have no patience now with the others.

Really sorry for your loss, my husband died 17 days ago and really happy to connect if it helps.

Ps I have just asked people to spend time with me. I can cope alone for fairly short periods but find expanses of time harder. So when people ask I ask for being together, but that is me

My DH died very unexpectedly 18 months ago. This year is proving very difficult. Reality is setting in and I’m struggling on my own. Things need doing to the house, DH would have done most things. He was a wiz at DIY. I’m finding it hard not having anyone to discuss things with.

I think that I found the second year very hard indeed.

It's been more than 5 years for me now and I still want to discuss things with my husband, particularly when I hit a problem.

Yes, I’ve found as well that my support network has stepped back a bit. Friends and family are still around but not as much as in the early months.

@Sunnyphoenix sorry to hear you’re going through this too - would be good to link up so feel free to message me when you feel up to it 🙂