This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

For a long time, I couldn't see any point in living without DH.

I do find myself finding joy in some moments now - and then often feel sad that DH isn't with me.

Joining the gym has made much more of a difference to me than I ever thought possible. It gets me out and about and seeing other people - even if I don't know them.

I do get jealous when I see other women with their husbands/partners and children or grandchildren, but I just have to live with that.

I still have to shake myself up and get on with certain things. So long as I had DH, I knew that I could cope with anything.

I have joined a couple of online bereavement support groups recently and it really has helped. I'm at that awkward age to be widowed (59). Not young enough to be a young widow but too young to be a "normal" widow. There seems to be a lot of people my age in these forums so it is helpful.
I am going to go to a bereavement cafe on Saturday in Inverness. It's a huge step for me. It's also a hundred miles round trip. I am hoping that I will feel better or at least less alone.

I did try the bereavement cafés in Glenrothes three times. They seem to be linked to Cruse.

In the end, I didn't go back - I felt a bit out of it: I was 60 when I was widowed and I think it was a year after that I tried the cafés. I think I was the only childless person there.

However, that wasn't the problem. At the weekly one, I could hardly get parked.

At the monthly one, folk were friendly enough, and the organiser did chat with me. I agreed when she said that my language skills could be useful - according to her, they needed an interpreter for some people. I have experience of doing that at the school where I used to work, so knew that I could manage it.

Unfortunately, when Cruse got back in touch with me, they didn't want an interpreter - they were looking for me to translate leaflets for them: quite a skilled and laborious job.

I made a start on it, but then was contacted by someone who wanted to know was I registered with a company, etc? I told her no and that - regretfully - I would have to step back from translating for them.

I didn't want to be put in that position again, so didn't return.

I think you'll get on better than I did, @Roseshavethorns . I'm fairly socially awkward and it's just unfortunate that the language topic came up. (It was in the 'What do you?" stage of the conversation - I'm a retired teacher, though I did study in an Interpreting Faculty abroad for a while.)

I'm going to go with an open mind. Even if I never go back again I will at least have tried.
I made the classic mistake of letting friendships fade as life changed. My DH was my best friend and I didn't need anyone else. I'm lost now.
If nothing else it will give me an excuse to go to M and S and buy chocolate

Yes, that was pretty much the case with me. It wasn't helped by the fact that my job took up a great deal of my time - basically, it became my only social outlet - and the rest of the time I was caring for my parents and my husband.

An excuse to browse Markie's and get some nice chocolates is always good.

Am 62 and been widowed for a month. Today I collected DHs ashes and completely broke down. The person I have spent 40 years with reduced to a box of dust.
I joined a few online fora but they are too depressing and I can't relate to the emotion or sentiments being expressed. I dont feel married to " a husband in heaven" or a " husband with wings". I dont have a husband. He's dead. And in a fucking wooden box which I dont know what to do with and dont want in my house!

I'm afraid I instructed the undertaker to have DH's ashes scattered at the crem garden straight away. I didn't want to keep the ashes here and DH had told me to scatter hm there.

I did feel a bit guilty later: I had the weird experience of DH's ex turning up at my door (during lockdown) three days after the funeral, trying to persuade me to place him in a place of her choosing. DH and I were married 27 years and she's currently with her 4th man. (I wasn't the OW.)

She'd gone to the funeral to represent the kids. I got a phone call from her daughter the same night she turned up "Oh, she shouldn't have done that."

I'm assuming that the daughter had told her what was planned and the ex had thought she could forestall it since there's a 7 day grace period (which I didn't realise at the time).

i do have a granite kerbstone at the Garden of Remembrance for him, but to be honest I don't know exactly where he's been scattered. Maybe if I'd held onto the ashes for a while, I'd have taken more care, but I didn't want to think of him as ashes and I didn't want to go through an ash scattering ceremony - the funeral was enough.

I'm sorry @Hedjwitch.

DH ashes were interred with his family member (and his dog whose ashes had been kept for 15 years). Gave me a lot of comfort he was those who loved him.

DH originally wanted to be scattered on a hillside at the back of his grandparents' croft. He then changed his mind and said he wanted to be scattered in the same Garden of Remembrance that I would be in. [ETA He's in the winter garden, which is where I'll be going, though I've since realised that I should probably have selected the precise spot.]

His ex wanted him to go into his parents' grave, in the same cemetery as her family's grave - many miles away from our home together.

Even though I followed his wishes, her interference had me second-guessing myself.

I have DH ashes here ready to be scattered in a (difficult to get to) landmark from his childhood. I'm in no hurry. It's too final. Maybe next year, maybe not. It doesn't bother me having him here but it's no comfort either.
I am also going to hold a bit back to be mixed with a small amount of my ashes to be scattered in our happy place. I'm not having a funeral so I have told our children that's what I want. I will put the money aside (it's Boston so it won't be cheap) so they won't have to worry.

If you have Facebook you might like to follow Liliana Myers, the widow of Dave Myers the Hairy Biker. I have found some of her posts very helpful the last few weeks. This one today reminded me that I am probably asking too much of myself and probably should ask for some help

I found collecting DH's ashes quite hard, and they stayed with the undertaker for a couple of months after the funeral, but actually now I don't think about them much although I have them in a cupboard in our bedroom. They're not "him" to me but I am in no rush to scatter them just yet. I did think I might do them on his birthday in a favourite place of his but it was too soon, so they'll stay here for a while.

I'm with you @Hedjwitch regarding "a husband with wings", not my way of thinking at all.

I can’t subscribe to the “husband with wings” idea either.

I still haven’t collected the ashes from the funeral director. I can’t have the option I wanted for them, or even the second-best option, so I feel completely stuck.

My lovely, kind, generous, funny DH passed away in February after a long, hard fought battle with cancer. I thought I was strong and able to get on with things and I have to an extent. But today I feel I am falling apart. Since he passed I have been diagnosed with two health issues for which I am waiting for hospital referrals, because of this, this week I was refused travel insurance and cant go on holiday with my family. I have been dealing with solicitors regarding his estate and its all too much. I have turned off my phone, I cant cope with one more email or question or query. I know other people have/are going through the same. Cant stop crying. I miss him and need him so much

I'm sorry, @jeansgene. It's bad enough when it happens, but when you're dealing with health issues and legal matters on top of everything else... I do know the feeling of just wanting a hug from DH and having him there to say "It'll be fine."

Thinking of you.

Hi jeansgene
I am so sorry you find yourself here.
It's totally overwhelming. We are suddenly thrust into this world we don't want to be in. The one person who would normally help us navigate this new existence is gone. And at the same time we don't really know who we are anymore. It's no wonder we break.
One of my lowest points was when I had to go to the hospital for a scan. I don't think I have ever felt so completely alone.
There are specialist insurance companies that will provide travel insurance even when you are undergoing tests. It would be worth giving them a call.
I dealt with my husband's estate myself but we had a lawyer to deal with my mum's estate. It seemed like they made it much more complicated and drawn out than it should have been. They charged for every call or query even when they already had the information. It felt like I was talking to a brick wall. The bill was astronomical. (My DH died intestate and it took me 6 weeks start to finish. It was emotional and horrible but I did it for him).

Thankyou for replying, it means a lot to me. I feel for you and all of us in this situation

Thank you for replying to my post. I do feel so isolated without him, I don't feel like me and cant imagine ever feeling like me again. For nearly six months I've coped but today, after the week I've had, I just crumpled. I couldn't even get out of bed until lunchtime.
I'm not even undergoing tests yet, the hospital are taking its time dealing with my referrals, but maybe I'll try a couple more insurers.
I wish I had dealt with DHs estate myself now. I'm dreading the bill.

@jeansgene My DH died on 25 January so I am only slightly ahead of you. I really understand how you feel, although I don't think I have ever been strong. I found the 6 month point really hard. I don't know why.
I thought I was doing better then I read an article about a footballer's son who died of sads which was DH official cause of death. The article said it was rare (500 cases a year) but that they normally found an underlying cause. Not for DH they didn't. The article sent me spiralling again and, like you, I'm lost.
I went to a grief cafe today. They were lovely and very welcoming and I will go back. But it was just wrong, it's wrong that I qualify to go there and it's wrong that he is gone.
I hope the legal bill won't be too bad. You could always ask for an estimate.

I’m in the uk. I used an an accountant that did probate. It was a fee not based on the amount the estate was worth and cost thousands less than a solicitor would have charged.

as we had a business it was a bit complicated and took 12 months to get the grant of probate. I did a fair bit of it myself with their guidance and it wasn’t too bad.

Hello, jeansgene. I’m just a few weeks ahead of you.

I did huge amounts of admin in the weeks and months after my husband died, but just couldn’t do the probate. I think it was a mixture of the finality of it and fear of getting it wrong and being hunted to the ends of the earth by HMRC, so I’ve farmed that out to a solicitor.

Everything still feels so wrong. Spurred on by kind people here, I’m going to look for a local grief cafe.

Hello comeintothegardenmaud, all I've had this week are calls from the solicitor asking for more information, even though I this process was started in April. I've turned off my phone for some peace, I don't want to talk to anyone, even family.
I'm sorry for your loss and this position we find ourselves in. A grief cafe sounds like a good idea. Take care x

How is everyone doing? Finding it hard having to communicate with my DSS’s, the house can’t be sold till probate comes through but with help from a family member I am moving sooner to be nearer my family.

DSS’s are coming “some time in the next couple of months” to look through their Dad’s stuff and I may well have moved before then. I think I will have to designate a room and just stack the stuff in there, feeling very alone with it all and thinking I might ask my DD to stay for a bit for some company and a bit of help with all the decisions on what to take etc. I can’t even make a clean break as neither of DSS’s are near enough to keep an eye on things here or let the gardener in.

Missing DH so much 😔

Twelve months ago today I said goodbye to DH as he went into surgery - he never came round and died 5 days later. I keep picturing every last moment and it's torture and will be for the rest of this week.

I can't believe it's been a year, I have survived, just, but the thought of it being forever is so sad. My first full year cancer check up is due soon and whilst I have no reason to think anything is wrong it's like another black cloud on the horizon. Life is pretty bleak at the moment and I don't feel like there's any particular reason to go on - I mean what's the point, our future as we had imagined it has gone and my future is just more of the same sadness and stress. That doesn't mean I'm going to do anything about it, but it is how I feel and it's crap.

@Evenstar that sounds hard, I think making all the decisions on your own is one of the most difficult things to deal with, it's horrible not being able to talk things out and mull them over with someone else. I hope you manage a smooth move.