This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

@evenstar I have found the fatigue and fibromyalgia the hardest things to deal with. I'm exhausted after the simplest task and need to sleep all the time.

I am struggling with the stairs because of the fibromyalgia, I am moving to a bungalow nearer my children and my brother soon, but that is causing even more work and stuff to think about. I won’t inherit any of the house I am living in now (it’s complicated) but still feel responsible to keep an eye on things till it can be sold.

I also have my own former home with tenants in which I need to sell, (thanks Liz Truss 🤬) , thankfully a family member has been able to help me get the bungalow now and I think it’s urgent really, I fear getting to the point where I can’t get upstairs.

18 months in I have periods of good and even OK times but then small amounts where I get trigger by something. My cousin sent me a lovely message yesterday after meeting on Saturday about how lovely our newest family addition is and it had me howling for a while to think that two years ago at the same event it was me and DH there together.

I’ve tackled a big job with scaffolding and trades here, scary but needed doing. Yesterday I had a section of the edge of the conservatory apart to see if the box of spares we have that DH kept and said would probably come in useful one day will help me fix it without paying someone. I think it will. It’s a big job, and fortunately the bits slide or push in place then tighten with a simple screw. Trying not to fall in the tiny pond below one part is the biggest problem so far. Confidence from achieving these things helps but I suppose it only comes with time.

I think people feel that there is a point where they assume you are okay over it, et cetera but the reality is I always feel Home sick for my old life. The fact that I don’t talk about it to people probably gives the wrong impression.

those of you that are new here welcome to the most crappy club, I found it allows me to talk loud about my feelings and know that they are understood, or even worse you’ve been through it yourself. I recently started grief counselling and it has enabled me to stop worrying about members of my family who I know are still suffering badly with their grief. That I am allowed to move on with my life. I’ve been very careful about what I’ve done so was not to upset family members but realise that for my own sanity I have to stop worrying about their grief. I can be respectful of it, but I need to step away. Sometimes I wonder if this is what our friends do. It’s a lot easier to move on when you are not 100% in the environment like we are still living in the same house still dealing with the same bills still doing everything which not that long ago likely fell to the other half. I often said that DH and I were a whole, but now I’m only half the whole, and it’s hard to be becoming a whole on your own.

feel free to come here and say the things maybe you feel you can’t say out loud, when I started the first post, I collected what I considered to be useful phrases that meant a lot to me, a lovely gentleman called emptyandsad wrote “ I am not depressed, I am appropriately sad”.

I wrote phrases in a notebook and have since added useful notes from grief counselling to it; when I’m feeling particularly down, I take a look back through it and I realise that although life is hard I am making a tiny steps towards coping

I thought the whole thing about getting through the first year would be better once it passed but progressing through year two has been difficult in pockets I would say, the best thing that I can offer is that although I felt grief counselling probably wasn’t for me I really found that it helps, since starting it I have spoken to several friends who have been through the process and I realise that the lady that I speak with has a different process to others and I think if you find grief counselling isn’t for you, it’s not you it’s the style of the counsellor and it’s probably worth looking for a different one.

This weekend I hit the one year anniversary although today is the actual date and I'm so very sad. The enormity of it all, and the trauma of the whole period leading up to DH's death has been at the forefront of my mind for the last week, I keep having flashbacks and spent most of Saturday evening in a heap wondering if I had enough pills to take me away from it all.

How can a year have gone by already? People are being very kind and sending lovely messages that I then feel obliged to respond to in an appropriate manner and I really don't want to consider anyone else's feelings but my own right now. And when they ask how I am, or tell me how well I look/am coping I want to say you don't know the half of it, this is just a mask and my life is shot to pieces. But I don't because I don't want to be cruel and then have to deal with their feelings.

The whole thing is a neverending nightmare and I'm thankful that everyone here is able to understand. It's an awful club to be in, but it's also the best place to come and vent.

I think that’s a really important point about not letting how we are grieving be dictated by other people, of course we can be sensitive to their feelings but that shouldn’t mean we are not free to express ourselves or start building some kind of life for ourselves. I have seen the dynamic of people who are “stuck” with their own grieving process dragging others down with them and it is very unhelpful for everyone.

I can definitely relate to not sharing how we are really feeling. I especially don’t want to burden my family so I probably look like I’m doing really well.

One of the things I’m struggling with is food. I’ve always been a bit of a feeder. My DH loved my cooking, he was always very appreciative of every meal I made, even a sandwich. Now it’s just me, I’m adrift. Making a dinner for one feels like a massive chore, whereas I used to enjoy cooking for two. Consequently my diet isn’t great and I’ve put on weight. I find myself eating a lot of bread because it’s easy. And then there’s toast. Then I beat myself up for putting on weight and not eating healthily.

I agree so much about not prioritising other people’s feelings; I try to be mindful and respectful but I’m not willing to put them first.

I’m also dealing with food and diet issues. My husband was the cook and made lovely meals, but I now lack interest and motivation (I can cook pretty well if I put my mind to it). I’m losing weight, which is a good thing, but the GP now wants to put me on a hideous low carb diet at a time when cake is a great comfort. Ho hum.

@Graciouslyungreatful I'm struggling with food too. I can't really be bothered cooking or eating but I know I have to so end up eating rubbish. I have lost a fair amount of weight (I am overweight so not necessarily a bad thing) but I know I'm not healthy.
My eldest two children and my sister-in-law have turned into the food police questioning if I have eaten and what.
I'm not well just now. Probably just a virus but it is so scary on your own. I don't know if it's something or nothing. If DH were here he would at least be walking the dog and telling me to man up or go to the doctor (he wasn't the best nurse) but at least I wouldn't be on my own.

I won't nag you @Roseshavethorns , but will mention what happened to me.

I was more than 16 stones. I lost two stones in the first month.

When I started eating again, I just ate rubbish because I couldn't be bothered. Also, because I was on my own I was just sitting all day - apart from when I had to clear out and do repairs in a house.

I also had some health issues.

The end result was that I put all the weight back on, but I'd lost muscle and I couldn't get off the couch without using my arms.

I was referred to a physio after an operation and the physio got me back on track and referred me to an Active Class at the local gym.

I'm now doing much better and have built back the muscle I lost.

It's very early days for you indeed, I know. When you feel that you might cope with it, maybe try to get out and about to build up strength flexibility again.

Sorry. Don't mean to hector you. Just sharing what happened to me. (Maybe it was a bit more extreme in my case, because I don't have immediate family.)

Thanks @WearyAuldWumman .
I do try. I have to walk my dog every day so I do get out there. He's also the reason I force myself to eat at all ( walking a giant dog when you haven't eaten is not recommended - don't ask me how I know).
There's just no enjoyment in cooking or eating anymore. I never thought I would forget to eat but here I am. It gets to 8pm and it's too late to cook so it's toast or cereal. It's been nearly 7 months so I know I have to get into a routine that I can make work.

I can definitely relate. I also have a dog to walk, at least it gets us out and moving. I don’t have any advice on improving your diet, it’s so hard.

I had trouble eating much when DH was ill he was eating very limited amounts and not always the best, he really went off vegetables and most fruit. I often made a small meal between us and realised it wasn’t enough. I did have to force myself to eat more and made a rule that I had to have fruit and vegetables every day even if DH didn’t.

I have tried to carry that on, I find the individual frozen steam packs of vegetables good and eat a good variety of fruit. As I said earlier the Stocked products are very good but a little pricy. I tend to put a chop in the air fryer for protein or have a ready cooked chicken breast. Lunch is usually a plate of salady bits making sure to have some ham, cheese or tuna for protein.

It is hard and I really don’t want to bother some days, but having a few rules for some reasonable nutrition does help me. When my first husband died I lost stones in weight and my health really suffered.

I did the funeral planning today - or at least some of it. I have 2 DSD and 2 DC that all want to help so there are some debates to be had about the details. It’s tricky as their perception of what their dad would want isn’t quite the same as mine but I am trying to remember that he would want them all to be involved.

Bizarrely, my parents are being quite odd about it all. They are in their 80s and seem quite blasé about it all. They laughed at the idea that people had sent me sympathy cards today - as if this was some strange concept. I know their life has become smaller in recent years but they seem to be totally devoid of empathy - which is disappointing.

It’s hard trying to organise something by committee. I think they should have some input but you should make the final decisions. Perhaps make that clear to avoid any fall outs. It’s all hard enough, the last thing you need are disagreements.

Your parents sound like hard work. In my experience some people, as they age, become very inward looking and they no longer seem able to show any empathy.

Sending love and strength. ❤️💪

It’s hard trying to organise something by committee.

Totally agree.

DH's adult kids and adult grandchild chose not to travel up for the funeral (during lockdown)in person. Nevertheless, they wanted input and it did make things more awkward.

I was amenable as possible but - for example - had to correct the 'letter' they wanted read out at the service. They got some of his medical details wrong, for a start.

If I'd been in my right mind, I would have been firmer with them - they didn't seem to realise that I was barely holding myself together and there were little things that niggled.

When I sent off the music for them to check before I sent it to the undertaker, they didn't get back to me in time...and then wanted it changed when it was impossible. When I asked the daughter whether she'd listened to the files, the response was "Oh, I couldn't bear to listen to it yet." [It was a recording of my husband singing.]

She wanted some music that DH had apparently played to his granddaughter on his car's CD. It turned out that she didn't even know the name of the music she wanted played: "Oh, you'll know better than I do what Dad would have wanted."

I'd already explained that I didn't have the technical expertise to transfer a CD to the required file format, I didn't know what music she meant and the council wouldn't allow copyrighted music to be played during a webcast, but she wouldn't take no for an answer...And this was when I said "I'll see what I can do," but went ahead with the music I'd organised (with the help of friends who had kindly sorted out the files and sent them to me to pass on to the undertaker)

After the funeral, the daughter told me that the music had been 'perfect' and seemed to congratulate herself on helping me to organise the funeral.

I have found batch cooking works for me. (I watch the batch lady with Joe Squash on tv) I try and do it in the morning of days I feel better. I bought a lot of those clear tubs takeaway comes in and freezer labels from Lakeland.

Cook for four, eat one, freeze three.

I’ve a great selection of frozen veggies in the freezer to go with them now.

i keep a good number of large potatoes for jacket spuds with tuna and tinned sweetcorn or beans, cheese etc.

Ive just made myself a 14 day menu to try for a month or so.

some weeks it goes out the window but it means on the whole I have nutritious food when I can’t get off the sofa.

it took me a long time to realise I needed to change my shopping list. It bugs me every thing is pre packaged. I’ve given up buying fruit as it rots before I can eat it. Tinned mandarins, pears etc are a staple I buy now.
food makes me sad a lot, i cooked lovely meals for the two of us but I can’t be bothered now.

Funeral planning is a trauma I’d rather not do again. I’ve told the kids I want exactly the same as DH. Prayers, music, order of service layouts, the wake, the whole thing. They can choose the 25 photos and a short paragraph of text they’d like to say.

I wish I’d just gone it alone with the funeral planning. Too many cooks ……,,

My DD basically took over the organisation of the funeral because I was in no fit state. She was absolutely amazing. She took my irrational mumblings and turned it into a service he would have loved.
The music choices were made between the 5 of us (me and the children) and we all just picked the photos together.
We were incredibly lucky with the funeral director and the celebrant too. They were so gentle with us.
I didn't think to include his brother and sister or ask for their opinions.
To be honest I don't remember the funeral. I don't want to. But I'm glad it was one he would be proud of. It's only reading some of the posts above that I realised what a source of friction they can be.
I'm not having a funeral. I hate them.

I contributed on the first thread under a different username. I'm 2 years in now from losing DH. Since then I've had to learn to get on and deal with things myself, which has been scary at times. I'm gradually building a little network of trusted tradespeople, having done some research. I've had a bathroom re-done, a new consumer board and partial rewire, a boiler replaced and some landscaping in the garden - all long overdue jobs from the period DH was ill. I'm also finding, by trying things, that I'm not too bad at DIY. I've even managed to build a base for a shed and construct the shed itself. I've also completely redecorated my porch and built new furniture for it. I'm getting a dab hand with a drill and a circular saw. Not bad for a 62 year old 😅

It is all daunting at first, and scary, but hopefully others of you will be encouraged to do more things. It takes time to build your confidence, definitely, but once you've tried something and had a success, or even partial success, it gets easier.

With regards to funeral planning, I've sat down and written a long document for my DDs, starting with what to do when I die, depending on where I die, funeral planning, my wishes etc. I've also included practical things such as info on all my Direct Debits, account numbers, contact numbers for utilities/insurances/memberships etc so they can be easily cancelled or amended. There's passwords for devices and anything else I can think of to make the process just a bit easier for them. I keep thinking of things I struggled with after DH died, so it's an evolving document that I update periodically. They know it exists and where to find it.

I feel this so much. It’s just over 9 months for me and I’m already worried about November and the short period he was so ill and the hospital visits and Halloween and the funeral. How can it be nearly a year. I’ve sat with the meds too but something is stopping me. I just feel so terribly sad.

It was the same for me, re the meds. I was stopped by the fact that I didn't want my GP to feel bad about it.

Have my moments, even now, just trying to cope with things. Currently furious and worried that I'm dealing with an issue not of my making. Think I might be getting to the end of that particular tunnel now, but 6 years ago a hug from DH would have put it all right.

Yes the year anniversary was horrible. I was reliving it all, leading up to the day he died. It felt so fresh. Grief for me comes in waves. Some waves are shockers, others not so bad. Some waves keep coming back. Just when I think the tide has gone out, the waves start again.

My DH was very loud. I miss his booming laugh, and the sound of him coming downstairs. I used to say it was like living with a herd of elephants. I have the TV on a lot these days, as I can’t stand the quiet.

Oh yes - it’s so quiet now. I used to get a bit annoyed when my DH was always chatting away - generally when I had gone to another room and couldn’t hear him properly! But, I’d give anything to hear him wittering away now. I might need to get a dog or a cat as I can otherwise see myself just talking to myself!

I lost my partner in an accident 2yrs 4 months ago. Our son was 14 at the time.

I'm so sad today but thats self-inflicted as I got really drunk last night. Probably pissed off my son. DEFINITELY pissed off my lodger and fucked with her sleep.

I am so overwhelmed with sorrow that I didn't treat him well, I didn't give him the affection he needed. I was horrible, I was cold. I need to get some grief counselling don't I?

@Whatifitallgoesright so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself where you are at.
in my recent opinion I would say very much yes, grief counselling is a very good thing to do.

it’s allowed me to say things I can’t say to anyone I know and explore my feelings. I’m only a few sessions in so it’s all very new.

my DH passed early January 2025.

you also need to find the right person for you so if the first person doesn’t work look for another as they all work differently.

you may find it helpful to read some of the previous posts in both threads too. 💐💐💐