This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

The link. https://www.mygov.scot/register-death

Hello @Sunnyphoenix and I’m so sorry you find yourself here. My husband died 9 months after his cancer diagnosis. I have two older ‘children’. You have come to the right place. There is so much kindness and understanding on this thread as we all tread the same sad path.

Nothing needs done today.
Other than registering his death the only thing I did before DH funeral was taken his car off the road. (I kept being warned that the DVLA would cancel the road tax and it would be uninsured and illegal to drive).
Once you have registered his death you can use the tell us once service, it does make things easier.
I actually used a copy of DH bank statement to help make a list of organisations who had to be told (those he paid and those that paid him).

Thank you, I am really sorry you are in this place too xx

@Sunnyphoenix so sorry you find yourself needing to join our thread. It’s definitely the place to come and have a little shout if needed.

I’m 18 months in, but it seems like yesterday. Make sure you speak to HMRC if you live in the UK and claim the bereavement allowance..

I found going through the household filing cabinet gave me most of the things I needed to sort out. I purchased a pack of those plastic punched pockets and put each separate organisation in one and then put them all in one great big ring binder.

I then added an A5 sheet of paper with notes, et cetera, as I worked my way through.

I started a second folder for probate with the copies of the closing bank accounts, et cetera, his death certificate, his birth certificate, etc and this made everything a lot easier as I had it all in basically two places.

Hello @Sunnyphoenix - I'm so sorry that you have joined this club.

Register for Spousal Bereavement - it's very quick, and you can do it easily in your phone.

I had to take a copy of our marriage certificate to the nearest job centre, and the first payment was made 4 days later.

You have to apply within 3 months of the bereavement.

It's not masses of money, but for me it's proving invaluable

You do get more if you have children under 18, I applied online https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/how-to-claim

Thank you, these are really helpful. I had planned to make a list of 'what to do afterwards' but somehow never could bring myself to. I'd completely forgotten about the bereavement payment, thank you. The whole thing feels quite daunting and the thought of endless helplines and insensitve people is more than I can cope with just now.

@Sunnyphoenix theres a time limit to claim the bereavement payment. Several months I think. But definitely worth doing it. You will need a death certificate 💐

DH died a month ago. That doesn't seem possible but here we are.
Make a to do list. It doesn't even have to all death related stuff. I had " clean cooker" on mine!
Get extra copies of death cert.
The bereavement benefits is a god send. I applied the day after he died and the money was in the bank before the cremation!
Use Tell us Once,which is great. You input the death cert reference and it notifies a host of agencies.
Notify the car insurance people.
Delegate as much as you can. Let someone else arrange the wake,if you have one.
Keep breathing.

@Sunnyphoenix You can apply for the bereavement support payment before you get the death certificate. They really are quick. My eldest ds dealt with it for me. He did it by phone (I had to give permission) and then he took a copy of our marriage certificate to the job centre.
I didn't want to claim the bereavement allowance but I am glad I did. We don't like to talk about it but death is expensive and I don't just mean the funeral. That initial payment just meant that I had one less thing to worry about.
Don't feel that you have to do everything yourself. Don't be afraid to ask people to help. And don't expect to be your normal capable self.
Take care.

I'd forgotten about the bereavement payment. It helped a great deal.

I didn't know about it. I'd phoned the DWP when DH died to let them know to stop his pension.

After I got the death certificate, I discovered that his date of death had been certified for the morning following the night he'd actually died, so I phoned back to let the DWP know. (I have OCD and was worried that I'd be deemed to have given incorrect information.)

Of course, I got a different call handler this time and he asked whether I'd claimed the payment. I didn't even know about it.

He explained that it wasn't means tested and I think he must have handled it all for me.

Yes, the bereavement support payment was a revelation - I had done nothing with the form because I assumed (wrongly) that it was means-tested. It was a bit of a faff to get it because the local job centre took weeks to send my documents to BSP HQ but, once they did, the payment was processed very quickly.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I have done the bereavement support online form now and it was really easy, I had read about it somewhere but completely fogotten, and thought I couldn't do anything until it was registered. I did have a weird feeling about 'profiting' from his death, but I know that's completely ridiculous. A friend also helped me go to collect his things from the hospice, I was dreading going back. So I feel I've taken some useful baby steps. At the moment I've had people around almost all the time, so I've hardly had time to myself.

Well done. Baby steps are as much as we can do.

I felt the same - about 'profiting', I mean. I recall stammering to the lad at the end of the phone that I could put it towards the funeral. He very kindly replied that it was to be used for anything I wished.

I also experienced it last month when I finally got my state pension and discovered that I'd inherited a portion of DH's because he was old enough to fall under the old pension rules.

Apparently I will get a portion of DHs pension too when I reach 67. That will help.
It will be one month tomorrow. I have gone away for a few days on my own to try and process everything. I will walk beaches and sea swim and just try and live in the moment as these solo trips will be my future.

I hear you, but I think we have to banish any idea of ‘profiting’. Nothing about bereavement is a ‘profit’ but, looking just at the financial aspect, bereavement is costly. Because it’s taking so long to sort my pension, I’m currently living beyond my means. The bereavement support payment was a real help.

When I received the bereavement allowance I just thought of the tens of thousands of pounds DH had paid in NI towards his state pension and how he now would never benefit from it.

Gah! That thought really hadn’t occurred to me, but it’s absolutely true for my husband too.

DH2 and I are in the process of moving house, so unearthing things from the loft is bring up all sorts of feelings for me. Things like DH1's squash kit that I have always kept exactly how I found it - packed and ready for a game he never played. He died in a summer exactly like we've had in 2026, really hot, sunny and dry, so even the environment is set to remind me of the terrible shock of finding him at home in bed and asleep never to reawaken.

i feel for everyone on this thread.

Years later I can go back to the day as if it were yesterday, when it all went horribly wrong for me...that pain is still real and sharp, you do just get a little better at coping with the loss day by day. It never really goes away. In a way I'm glad it's still there.

It's fast approaching 12 months now since DH's death and I'm all over the place - it doesn't seem possible.

A few of his and my close friends are going to the pub to raise a glass in his memory which I know will be hard but I didn't want it to go un marked. It's awful as there are two anniversaries really, the day he had the surgery which is the last time I saw and spoke to him properly, and then when he actually died 5 days later - it's going to be a horrible week.

And then he's even further away from me, and I can't say "this time last year" any more.

@frostyfingers you may find the day itself is not as bad as you expect, unfortunately as I am doing this for the second time I know that certainly for me the time building up to an anniversary can be harder. Also, if you feel able mark it in a way that’s just for you, I have just been through what would have been my 12th wedding anniversary with my second husband who died in May. I had a really lovely large print of our wedding made as we had never got round to having one to put on the wall and that was very comforting.

@frostyfingers it’s quite unbelievable how the time just dashes by and all those things that you dreaded marking are coming round again.

I found the year mark quite hard but then somehow completely forgot the date of the funeral on the anniversary. In some ways, I think it’s probably better that I don’t know the date in my head and it was five or six weeks after he passed away as we needed to wait for family from abroad to be able to get here.

I go through pockets of time where I don’t really think much about anything in particular and have several quite good days, but those are normally when I’m busy with work. And then there are the days that something happens which just hits you straight between the eyes and you didn’t see it coming.

I decided recently to have grief counselling. I think it will help, but I need to do a bit more. I thought perhaps it was too late, but I was told it’s never too late. The thing of scary is that now I’m 18 months plus and heading for the second year anniversary. And it all seems like only yesterday when I think about it some days.

@frostyfingers I know what you mean, it doesn’t seem possible. It’s just the strangest thing isn’t it?
I do find it hard having to say that it happened last year. I am still so raw and wobbly. I have no words of wisdom I’m sorry. Just support that I know how you feel, I understand.
I’m questioning at the moment if we’re still a family if my dh is missing. I guess we must be, my son and I. But it doesn’t feel like it. And I feel bad for thinking that.