This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

I have a DD as well who was 15, and we lost DH just as one finished A levels, another finished GCSE’s and the third was moving to secondary so it was already a crucial year. You look back and wonder how you did it, but you will somehow 💐

How much do your children remember their father? I think what saddens me the most is that I don't know how much DS, who was in primary school when DH died, will remember him.

@OldWave They remember a lot, they talk about him often. We have a little star with his picture on that still goes at the top of the Christmas tree.

I think it helps if you are open to talk about them and remember with them. I think you said your DS has some additional needs, my youngest does too and has certainly not forgotten.

I lost my father when I was 15 and I'm afraid I don't remember much about him. I have very few memories of doing specific things with him, although I remember his presence. He was in the army and away a lot which didn't help. Having said that it was a long time ago so hopefully there will be more photos and records of your DH for your son.

DH thought it would be a blessing if DS didn't remember him too much -- perhaps somehow less painful to lose him. But I disagree. And we do talk about him and look at photos/videos.
I think, @frostyfingers , that remembering the "presence" is perhaps the most important thing to preserve. And maybe that never goes away. Which is reassuring.

“I think I just wanted my old life back, the one in which I'm not a widow”.

This has been very much on my mind recently. I have been on a lovely holiday to a lovely place and a friend has said they’re jealous. I want to scream that I splurged on the holiday to distract myself from the pain of my husband dying suddenly and unexpectedly, long before his time. There’s really nothing to be jealous of. But I won’t say it and will just smile serenely.

im very much homesick for my old life.

i’m sure I’ve probably mentioned it on this thread before. It’s a statement I picked up sometime ago and feel it’s a good explanation for answering questions with people you can be honest with.

I’m having a particularly needy wanting to return to the past at the moment. I think it’s because I’m having cancer treatment myself and DH was my rock and I was his with his cancer. I feel very alone at the moment. I have lots of people around me, but I do feel very alone.

There was something in the news today that DH has been banging around for years now saying that school should have practical subjects for those that are not academic and when I read it, I knew that it would’ve kicked off a big discussion between us. But there’s only me and the dog and he wouldn’t have a clue about any of it.

What worries me a lot is that as I head towards the second anniversary and I know I’ve done good and I’ve sorted out lots of stuff there’s a big part of me that doesn’t really feel I’ve made any progress at all and I’m sure everyone expects you too have kind of got over it. But I’m not sure I ever will.

I often think of the lines from A E Housman about remembering a time when you were happy and not being able to return there.

I said in the first thread that an older relative counselled me that grief is like a burden that's always there, but gets lighter over time.

I think she's right, except that it unexpectedly becomes weighty at certain points - the sort of thing that you're talking about, I think @Hisredipad - you come across something that you know he'd want to talk about, or you get a bit of news that you want to share with him.

I took a bit of a slump over the past few months because I had an unexpected legal matter to deal with compounded by the fact that I had to read documents in a language that I don't know very well. (If you want someone to order domestic coffee or brandy, I'm your woman...)

At various points, I've been shaking my fist at Dad for refusing to teach me the language.

I think I'm at the conclusion now, but it's knocked me for six. A hug from DH would have made things much better.

I totally relate to the last part of your post. I’m 18 months on and most stuff has been sorted. I’ve also had some jobs done on the house. However I feel in a sort of frozen state. I’m having trouble with high BP. The GP has said it’s due to long term stress from DH dying. I don’t know how to move out of this limbo state I find myself in.

Because DH died so suddenly he left lots of unfinished jobs.
He left a half painted wall in the kitchen. Today I finished painting the wall. It's broken me. I don't know why I'm so upset. I feel like I have erased part of him.
It's so ridiculous. I know he wouldn't expect me to live with a half painted wall (although I'm sure he was laughing at the state of it). Why do I feel like this?

I think grief can be very unpredictable and not always logical, my youngest son became hysterical when I wanted to take him to the barbers after his Dad died. He found it upsetting as that was Dad’s thing. I guess finishing the painting felt like doing his job.

I get it. My DH also died suddenly and he had jobs on the go. Something that made me sob my heart out was finding his open note book in his shed, with written notes and a diagram.

The only thing I can think of is, don’t rush to get anything done if it’s not urgent. It doesn’t matter, nothing bad happens is you leave things. I’ve left things and it’s ok.

The very first thing that went wrong was the toilet leaking. This was a week after he died. I had to get that fixed and it felt like a monumental task and I was so angry with DH for leaving me.