This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

It feels too soon for me too in many ways, but I can’t face a long dark winter here on my own and I know going forward it makes sense to be nearer my family, in a manageable bungalow.

@Evenstar My situation is a bit different, in that DH's kids have since gone NC with me. However...

I can tell you that there was no help whatsoever with sorting things out. The son and his partner worked from home. The daughter did have a career from which she retired early.

They were never very good at giving the kind of support that I've seen others giving to their parents (both DH and his ex, their mother). They always seemed to rely on their parents' partners or the children of a partner. (DH's ex had three partners after DH.)

DH's DIL was a bit more helpful when it came to DH's ex (which always made me wonder why she dealt with things instead of the son). One time when she couldn't deal with a hospital appointment (making me wonder why the daughter wasn't doing it) I offered to help.

No matter what they might think, Evenstar, your husband's adult children are no more bereft than you. I'm with your children - leave them to deal with it.

You could possibly give them the name of a local gardener prepared to take on the garden until it's sold.

You're telling me that they offered to help but have not followed through. I'd be given reasons (sometimes) as to why the kids wouldn't help.

When I actually asked for help advocating for DH, the son and DIL wrote a letter to the hospital doctor and copied it to me. It said that any further concerns should be referred to the son's stepmother...One of the only two times I'm aware they called me that. (The other - apparently - was when they told friends that the son's stepmother understood why he couldn't come to the funeral: he was shielding.)

When I told the daughter that DH would need care if anything happened to me, the response was "But you're all right, aren't you?" [I'd been given the all clear after a health concern.]

I've reached the conclusion that you believe what people show themselves to be and your husband's kids are unreliable.

If you're feeling charitable, you could send them links to local estate agents...but you've done enough.

So far as the garage is concerned, they need to get on with it. In the experience of my extended family, it's far too easy to leave them full.

I'm guilty of that...and I have a cousin who is only now going through the two garages full of his mother's things.

I can't remember exactly when she died, but it was prior to 2015...

I am sorry that sounds so difficult @WearyAuldWumman With regards to the garage I have had to sort it out because my stuff was all mixed up with it. There are things I need for my new house.

We have just stacked all their stuff to one side, youngest DSS is in the forces so a lot of his stuff is here too. His DM died when he was 2. He is only 23 and has no other home, I have offered to store things but have had no response.

Your youngest DSS being in the forces does give him a reason for not being able to be hands on, but he could at least answer.

Maybe send an email and ask him to tell you by such and such a date if he wants you store his things?

I am hoping to ask him on the zoom call, I will make a list. Otherwise he will have to arrange transport for it which is the time critical issue.

In the year after DH died my family put pressure on me to move closer to them and to find a bungalow. I viewed some properties and at one point I paid £1000 to secure a lovely new build bungalow.

The added stress of trying to move was just too much for me. Thankfully I got my deposit back and I’ve now drawn a line under moving.

Moving is very stressful. Just trying to sell currently is difficult. There are two properties on our road that have been for sale all year.

I understand about the long dark winters. I got through by lightning a candle when it got dark, having the TV on a lot with easy to watch programs and snuggling on the sofa with my dog and a heated throw. I’ve learned now to try and get through each day and not think about tomorrow.

Hello, Widowat41. This thread is a great source of solidarity and support.

I don’t have any experience with stepchildren, but recognise what’s been said about other people sometimes adding to the load (mental or actual). In the early days, I found it very draining when people said “let me know if there’s anything I can do” because that then added to my to do list; I had to think of what needed to be done and then assign the task. It was much easier when people volunteered things.

I have a friend who keeps insisting that I move 20 miles away 'where all your friends are'.

I've had point out that she's my only friend in that area, that house prices there are dearer and I at least have good transport links here.

Also, I'm actually closer to my cousins here.

Basically, the friend thinks that I'm in a 'bad area'. It's not really - it's mixed. The town she wants me to move to is a former market town which still has a 'posh' reputation and posh prices, but is gradually declining.

She tried to bully persuade me to move to the same Pilates class as her at one point...

What?! Pay 7 quid a class for class 20 miles away when I'm perfectly happy with my current class which is 10 minutes away and is covered by my gym membership of less than 6 quid a week?

@WearyAuldWumman that sounds like a really bad idea to move there, do you think your friend might actually be lonely herself?

@Graciouslyungreatful it sounds like that was the right decision for you, I don’t think it’s the right thing to stay here for me, I have fibromyalgia and the stairs can be difficult at times and having that accident last week made me realise I definitely need the children and my brother nearby. In theory they are only an hour away, but that can turn into two to three hours if there are traffic problems on the motorway.

A sad welcome to the group @Widowat41 and @GardenSpade , there is a lot of support here and it's probably one of the few/only places you can really say what you feel and be understood.

Trying to meet other people's expectations of grief (however well meant) is exhausting. I am finding life especially tough at the moment and have been hibernating from pretty much everyone for the last few weeks. I am exploring the possibility of moving, I am in rented and it's too big, and a few people have said "how exciting" - "just what you need" - no, I don't want to have to move, I don't want to have to make all the decisions, I don't want to have to downsize and so on. Unbelievable, and then I feel bad for being so grumpy because they are only trying to say the right thing.

@Evenstar

I understand but I would suggest you don’t do anything about moving yet. You have more than enough on your plate.

I think you are right really, am exhausted and have felt unwell since hurting my arm last week, but have committed now and am due to move week beginning 12 October all being well, hence needing some clarity with DSS’s over stuff they want storing if it’s large items that need to go with the removers.

This house won’t be sold till we get probate probably next summer, but I also have my own house down South that was let out after the disastrous Truss budget that stopped it selling, the tenants leave in December and that will be going on the market after that. Because of that house not selling in 2022 although on paper I own 50% of this house I never paid my share. A family member is helping me purchase the bungalow till I can sort it all out.

I am having a full packing service and the house I am moving to is immaculate turnkey condition so intend to just rest when I get there and get my family to help me with settling in. I know if I am really struggling before the move I could get my DD to come and stay.

Hi @Widowat41
I am so sorry you find yourself here.
Grief is very isolating. It's a path we all walk alone whether we are surrounded by people or not.
I find that only other widows/ widowers really understand. I am older than you (just turned 60) but like you, none of my friends or siblings have been widowed so they really don't understand. They keep wanting to make it better. But nobody can.
A sudden, unexpected death brings it's own horrors. I think I was genuinely in shock for the first few months. I got through each day, did what had to be done but really I was just waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
Please don't hesitate to reach out on this thread for support. It does help having people who understand.

Hi @Evenstar
Your stepchildren are still very young. It maybe that actually physically sorting their dad's stuff makes it more real and they just can't bring themselves to do it.
I know my youngest 3 children (25, 22 and 21) wouldn't be able to go through their dad's things (nor can I to be honest). It has been nearly 8 months but it's just too soon. I'm lucky as I'm not in any hurry so it's in the "when I'm ready" box.

Thank you @Roseshavethorns the older one is 30, but of course remembers his mum. There is a lot going for all of us due to all the previous bereavements.

I think clearing up another big mess is hard for me as when my first DH died suddenly I was left with a garage of stuff stacked to the ceiling and huge quantities of obsolete tech and associated wires. It’s bringing up the feeling of unfairness that I felt then of having to sort it all out when it wasn’t my stuff. Both DH’s were children of older parents who were young adults during WW2 and I think had learnt a reluctance to let things go.

@Evenstar I understand what you mean. It's just so unfair that we are left to sort everything out.
For me it is tackling all the household maintenance jobs that DH would normally have done. Last year was incredibly busy for us and a lot of the winter jobs were left undone. I am left to try and work out what requires attention. I haven't got a clue what I am doing. I have never had to do it before and it just feels so unfair.

It is really hard as we still have all our “own” jobs to do as well, and it is so expensive if you have to call in tradesmen to do anything.

My neighbour's sons would be willing to do various jobs about the house and definitely my garden for not that much, but I keep making excuses not to avail myself of their services.

One of them did work for a few years but lost his job - I suspect because of alcoholism. The other lad is much more pleasant but has never worked (except for cash in hand jobs) - he has a drug problem.

On the one hand, my neighbour doesn't trust her own sons - she's had a bank card stolen, etc; on the other hand she wants me to pay them cash in hand to do jobs for me!

They don't live with their mother - they're middle-aged and each have their own rented flat. I'm always polite to them, but I cannot forget that the alcoholic son was rude and aggressive towards my husband one time, after DH had had his stroke.

I've told the neighbour that I prefer to do jobs myself, since I find it 'therapeutic'.

I posted 3 weeks ago about going back to work full time.

I ignored all the advice about taking it easy - I felt guilty about having already had time off after DH died. And I thought I could cope.

The first 2 weeks of term were fine - but on Monday I couldn't keep masking any more and cried during a full staff meeting - I miss DH so much at work - I keep expecting to see him come round a corner, or be loitering near a photocopier.

After a discussion with HR, in which I asserted repeatedly that I'm fine, I've been asked to get a fit note with a recommendation for adjusted hours for 6 weeks, which I now have, and I'm strangely happy that someone else made the decision for me.

So for everyone who has recently joined the worst club in the world - take it slowly and be kind to yourself.

Interestingly the GP states on my fit note that I should aim to do 5 hours only in the first week - rather than the full teaching role I ambitiously thought I could do - and build up gradually.

I think I just wanted my old life back, the one in which I'm not a widow

Hi @Jaffapaffa

I think I just wanted my old life back, the one in which I'm not a widow

Oh that sentence just echoes how I feel.
I can't imagine how hard it is working in the same place you worked with your DH. It must be so hard just to walk through those doors in the morning.
Try to take care of yourself and put yourself first. If that means being signed off again or a longer phased return then so be it.

Hello all, I was on the old thread but then missed the new one. I've been trying to catch up now. Sorry to all the new people who have to join this horrible club.

I've been struggling with DS, who has SN and is going through puberty and I have to think about male things like shaving and whatnot. How am I supposed to teach him? I'm terrible at shaving and I've never used an electric razor (which is what everyone suggests).I just want a few days or maybe months or years where I have no responsibilities so that I can properly grieve.

@OldWave do you have a male friend or relative who could show him, or would he not be open to that? I wonder if there might be a video somewhere like YouTube that would help.

It’s really hard having a male teenager as a widow, I know when my first DH died my sons were 11 and 17 and I had to have a conversation about contraception with the eldest and he said “I don’t want to talk to you about this” but as I pointed out to him there wasn’t anyone else to do it.

Thank you, @Evenstar . It must have been quite difficult with two boys. I don't really have anyone close by. His barber has offered, which I suppose might be the best option, but I'd rather someone who could come to our house more than once -- he will need practice. I'd rather have nothing to do with it, but, as you say, there is no other option really!