This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

I have never been asked for that yet. Yet another horror that I will have to face.
I know it doesn't have to be an actual relative so if you have a close friend or even a neighbour you trust you can put them as nok. It's a hard one though (especially if you are like me and don't actually have any good friends - my DH was all I ever needed).

The same for me.

Fife NHS always claims that it's just in case someone needs to 'pop to the house for jammies'. Last time I put down the name and number of the 80 yr old cousin down south, on the grounds that Fife NHS can surely manage to give me a gown if I need it and they're not going to manage to bully the cousin to come up to Scotland.

Hi, I've just found this thread. My husband who I was with for 30 years, died this year after a short and aggressive illness. I'm only 52, and thrown into widowhood. It's not yet 5 months, and I'm finding it hard. My family and friends don't live close, and I feel a bit forgotten about where I live. I'm at work part time, feeling guilty about leaving the dog and feel like my future has been taken from me.

I'm sorry, @RoughSeas99. I never know exactly what to say to people who have found themselves in this position.

When @Hisredipad started the original thread, I don't think she could have realised how many of us would have been able to relate to it.

Sorry for your loss @RoughSeas99 it’s so hard, everyone else can go back to their own lives afterwards it is very hard as the loss is so complete, it’s your life and your home but it is all completely changed and the future you thought you had is gone. It will get better in as much as you can learn to live with it. I can only say that as I have just been widowed for the second time and after my first husband died I couldn’t feel a great deal of hope that I could get through it.

Take the time you need there isn’t a schedule for this and I hope you feel able to come and share here when you need to 💐

Hi RoughSeas99 I am so sorry you find yourself on this thread.
I have found that connecting with others who have experienced the death of a husband or partner such a comfort. No-one who hasn't experienced it can appreciate the depth of loss we are suffering.
There is nothing anyone can say to make it better but having a group of people who "get it" really does help

@RoughSeas99 welcome to the post that everybody that’s here would rather not be part of. I was 59 when DH passed. I’m now approaching my 61st birthday.

Everyone here has been amazingly supportive of each other and this is actually thread two which just goes to show how much love and support has been shown to each other through the multiple posts that there have been

Five months is no time at all and all I can say is just allow yourself to breathe, my dog broke his leg five weeks after DH passed away so it’s been a particularly tough time from the beginning. The only thing that I wish I’ve done differently was start grief counselling probably around the six month mark. I only started it a month or so ago and I’m actually finding it really helpful now. 💐💐💐

Thankyou, it's a shitty club!
I might well look into grief counselling. Not found anything helpful so far, so perhaps it was the wrong time. My reasoning was it's normal to feel awful, what can they do x

Hello, RoughSeas99.

For me, what my counsellor can do is listen and ask insightful questions. I find that really helpful, because she stands outside the situation and sometimes sees it in a way that I (and friends and family members) don’t. Of course, it’s not for everyone but I’m glad I see her.

I’m so sorry that you’re here @RoughSeas99 . This thread has helped me enormously to feel less alone and understood. I hope it helps you too. Look after yourself kindly.

Sadly I’m joining you all. I’m still in the very early stages and I’m definitely in denial. Just a week ago.

Hello, GardenSpade. The first few weeks are brutal. This is a safe space to offload, if you wish to.

I’m just over 18 months on. I’m struggling with feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I’m looking after myself, doing the housework, walking the dog but sometimes anything on top of that feels too much. I can’t cope with seeing people much. My family I’m ok with and my best friend but anyone else, it feels too much. I’m turning into a bit of a recluse but pottering about at home is ok for me at present.

@GardenSpade Just a week? I agree with @ComeIntoTheGardenMaud - it's brutal.

I was much the same as you at the 18 month stage, @Graciouslyungreatful - I found it very difficult to leave the house. Still do some days.

At some point I signed up for supply teaching two days a week, just to force myself out.

Sorry for your loss @GardenSpade. Do take care of yourself and use this safe space for any help you need 💐💐💐

Im having a huge issue with depersonalisation again. I thought it maybe worth mentioning it here because I spent a year feeling it but couldn’t understand my feelings. I did some of the suggested exercises I found online and found them helpful.

I think it’s because my work projects have suddenly reduced significantly and I feel a lot lost. I started grief counselling recently which I find is helping.

Depersonalization is a psychological experience where you feel detached from your own body, mind, or actions, as if you are an outside observer of your life. 1]
Key Symptoms

• Out-of-body feelings: Watching yourself from above or far away. 1]
• Feeling robotic: Moving, speaking, or acting without a sense of personal control. 1]
• Numbness: Feeling emotionally or physically cut off from the world and your senses. 1]
• Distorted perception: Feeling like your limbs are the wrong shape or size. 1]

The numbness is certainly something I recognise. I recall trying to feel something for other people and couldn't, if that makes any sense?

I still get that sometimes - I'm aware of it being weird.

I have been knocked for 6 this weekend.
It was my DD and sil first wedding anniversary. Their wedding was the last time we were all together and it was such a joyful day. The grief and realisation that I will never feel that way again is really hard.
I find I have been getting really overwhelmed really quickly. Any outstanding tasks feel like insurmountable obstacles. I try and break it down into little steps but it still feels like too much. Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes. I found it much easier to deal with things when DH was here.

Even now, I sometimes find myself in a position that I only rush to get things done when there's a imminent deadline. Maybe that's just me, though.

At one point, I was working full-time and caring for both my mum and my husband. I thought that I'd be on top of everything once I was retired, but I'm not. However, I have to admit that that might be a me problem.

Breaking things down does help a bit. Sometimes it's a case of starting on something and then just doing what I can. Maybe not a good example, but the latter is what I'm doing with the garden at the moment - have cut the boundary hedges and now I'm just strimming what I can. Yes, the garden is that bad.

The garden's easier to deal with because at least with that I can see the difference I've made.

I recall going through a manic phase in the first year (maybe two) where I ordered literally hundreds of bulbs without realising how many I'd ordered and then had to plant them all. (Those in the front largely fed the local squirrel population, I think.)

I've had various plumbing problems with the house and everything is just in a guddle. I need to sort out and throw out, but I had various health issues to deal with and then an unexpected legal matter hit me... I find myself only being able t do one thing at a time.

I'm still finding it difficult to deal with more than one thing at a time. I think that that might be because my husband really was my only family once my parents were gone. I do have cousins, but it's not the same.

I'm feeling guilty because I feel I spend time at the gym when I should be doing other things, but it helps me to keep my sanity. (I joined two years after DH died.) If I sign up for a class, then it means that I have to leave the house, because the instructors lose money for no shows.

When I'm in the class, it's easier just to focus on that. Same with going to back to an instrument lesson once a year after a 20 yr break. I have to do my half an hour practice a night and then I'm only focussing on the music.

Think I need to try the same focus on sorting out the house.

It's better than it was, @Roseshavethorns . I've been told I probably have ADSD and ADHD so maybe that has something to do with it all in my case. (It runs in the family, but my only diagnosis is OCD.)

Sorry. That's probably not very helpful.

Just to add that me memories of the first two years come and go - I’ll realise that I’ve forgotten some of the manic phases and then it comes back in a rush.

Example: we were getting the old house ready to sell or let. At one point, I was scraping and painting whilst crying and sometimes screaming.

Whilst I was sorting out the confrontation/probate, apart from the paperwork I found myself concentrating on untangling MIL’s jewellery and getting it repaired before sending it to the kids.

Got a call from the jeweller’s to say that some things were ready.

Jewller told me he’d found a pearl to replace a stone in a gold ring.

Paid the jeweller, went by a farm shop, got home.

That night, realised the ring was missing. Left a message for the jeweller.

Couldn’t settle. 10 at night , drove to the farm car park to look for the ring. It’s a wonder I wasn’t arrested.

Yes, the jeweller still had the ring…

PS Above was supposed to be "confirmation", not "confrontation"...

Eh dear. Auld age.

Thanks @WearyAuldWumman.
I seem to have a huge list of things I need to do with the house (it gets bigger every day). I spend so long thinking about tomorrow's task that I don't finish today's jobs.
Our (adult) children have been having a hard time too. I think the anniversary of the wedding has hit us all. Life was so good. I don't know how to help them.

Hello everyone. I've never posted on Mumsnet before but came across this thread. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack just over a month ago. I have two children, 12 and 9. On one level I'm coping with everyday life, but I feel like there's two bits of me living side by side, one coping, one not. I don't know anyone in person facing this, so although I have so much support from family and friends, I feel strangely isolated. Does this resonate with anyone here?

Yes, it does @Widowat41. I'm sorry that you've joined our sad club.

I did what I had to do in the early days, but later realised that some people didn't realise that I wasn't coping because I managed to do the admin that needed to be done. Indeed, they actually added to what I had to do.

I'm dreadfully sorry that you're going through this at such a young age.

Can any of you relate to this situation with stepchildren? Mine have still not been to look at any of their dad’s stuff even though I now have a provisional moving date only a few weeks away. This has put an enormous load on me and my children to sift through a huge quantity of stuff (it’s emerged that DH had low level hoarding of some things which I was totally unaware of). My children are resentful that this has all fallen on us, I have had to order and pay for a skip for the actual rubbish that was in the garage.

My stepsons are proposing a zoom call later this week to discuss “what we’re going to do about the house” they haven’t the first clue of all the stuff that will be involved in seeing an empty house through the winter as we are unlikely to get probate till next summer. I do have a plan for this and am wondering if it would be helpful to lay that out for them before our zoom call and notify the solicitor of the extent I can commit to helping with this, with an idea of costs to the estate in terms of insurance, council tax etc.

My children and several friends are encouraging me to lock it up, hand everything to them to deal with and walk away as I am not a beneficiary. That is hard to do as I know how much the house and garden will deteriorate as due to their work commitments they won’t be able to check on it regularly etc. I feel DH wouldn’t have wanted that.

I am actually wondering if the real reason behind it is that is just too soon for them, DH only died in May and I know they are both having counselling.

I am disappointed in them as they both said they would help sort the garage out and didn’t want me to organise returfing part of the garden as they were going to do that too.