This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

@EvenstarWe watched a lot of police dramas and part of the pleasure for my husband was laughing at the more preposterous bits. One of his favourites was in Trigger Point, where they discovered a car bomb so drove the car through London, thus endangering thousands of people, until they reached a park, where it exploded. He’d be laughing now at Vigil, with unprepared people racing off into the tundra.

One of the reasons I asked about rings is that I’ve been pondering whether to buy the eternity ring which my husband wanted to buy years ago, but I never found one I liked enough. Perhaps now is the time to commission one.

Our car was bought in 2017. DH died early 2021. In all that time, I didn't realise that your car sound system can play the music on your phone. (Yes, I knew about the hands free, but that was all.)

Was driving one time and somehow the car system linked to the phone and randomly played John Denver singing "Lady, did you think I'd left you?"

I didn't even know that that was on the album. (I'm not great with tech these days.)

The next time it tapped into the system, it was the album of DH singing that came up.

He used to sing folk songs and as a youngish teacher would get some of the staff at school asking him to record cassette tapes to send to relatives in Canada and the like.

One of his pupils mum was a cleaner at the school and he'd recorded a cassette for her. Years later, the daughter was a mature student at the School of Scottish Studies at Edinburgh Uni.

She and her daughter (also a student at the uni) arranged to meet us at a local cafe and presented us with a memory stick to which the daughter had transferred the cassette. The pupil asked DH's permission to reference DH's singing in her dissertation and to deposit a copy of the music in hte SSS library.

Anyway, I'd copied it onto my phone - with a great deal of trial and error - and then the next time that the phone/car system went random on me, it was DH's singing that came up.

There were a few things that DH said. There was a discussion about bagpipe tunes for funerals one time and wanting me to write down 'the story of [his] life' for his eulogy, the same as a friend had done.

He also told me "I don't think the kids will come up to Scotland for my funeral."

I told him he was wrong. He was right.

Their reason for not coming was the pandemic, but they'd have been allowed to come up had they chosen to. (I get that they wouldn't have wanted to fly up as they usually did, but they could have driven up.)

I later realised that DH was telling me that they wouldn't be there to support me, though their reasoning did sound plausible at the time. I was asked to let their mother represent them instead.

I'm fairly certain that I organised his funeral the way he wanted. He told me he wanted a Humanist celebrant and that's what I did.

Only 20 were allowed at the funeral, but it was a very good service and yes - there was a bit of laughter, stemming from stories about his days working on a famous estate.

We were only allowed recorded music (which also had to be non-copyright because of the webcast) so I used three of the songs from recording that's now at Edinburgh Uni. I know that he'd have approved of that.

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Trigger Point was another of my DH’s favourites also because of the ludicrous events

It was fun, wasn’t it, Evenstar? We got hooked on Line of Duty and watched it all, as it got progressively more ludicrous, then watched Vigil (which he dubbed Line of Boaty) I thought because it was written by the same people, although looking at Wikipedia now I seem to have misremembered that, and then there was Trigger Point (dubbed Line of Bomby) because of the connection to Line of Duty through Vicky McClure. The ludicrousness was a large part of the attraction.

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud 😂 love your names for them

They were his titles - he liked (bad) puns and wordplay and making up ridiculous names for things.

It's my 60th birthday tomorrow.
I have asked that the children don't come up (they had all planned to arrive with cake presents etc). I just want to wallow. I told an acquaintance my non-plan she obviously disapproves. How do you explain that you don't want to pretend to be happy or grateful or celebrate. I am going to mourn what should have been. If the children were here I would have to try to be ok. I don't have that in me.
I am hoping it will be the final really hard thing. I have had our wedding anniversary and his 60th. Christmas will be different but I don't want it to be a sad day.

I understand. Sometimes the effort of pretending to be happy is overwhelming and one needs a day to be alone, and to be free to feel whatever one feels.

Family members have today started to ask about arrangements for Christmas. I can’t face a repeat of our usual (and usually lovely) Christmases with him missing. I want to do something radically different - having just seen the new Almodovar film, I fancy Lanzarote - but I don’t think I can get the rest of the family onboard with that.

Sorry I’m reading bits and pieces of this thread but that really struck a cord with me. I swear he knew he was going to die. He battled AML for only 4 weeks but I know, I just know he was ill for a few months before and it kills me that I didn’t speak to him sooner about the doctors. I wanted another dog, he was insistent that I could only manage one, before we knew the diagnosis, when we had been talking about how lovely it would be to get the dog a companion a yr b4.

He knew and I’m crying now as I write this. God I miss him

@Roseshavethorns I hope you get the birthday you want and find some peace in your day.

I found out my mother was trying to arrange a surprise party for my big birthday just 8 months after DH passed. I squashed it quick fortunately. DH and I had spoken about doing something special for that birthday but in the end I bought myself a piece of jewellery I loved and paid for it with the money I got from selling one of his hobby items.

We were supposed to go on holiday for my special birthday, but lockdown stopped that. The holiday was supposed to take place afterwards.

In the end, I also bought a piece of jewellery, using money that DH had given me.