This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

May I ask you all a question? Do you still wear your wedding ring (if you had one)? I do, because it hadn’t occurred to me to take if off, but I recently saw a thread here which suggested this was somehow weird or inappropriate because I am (don’t I know it) no longer married.

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud I still wear my wedding ring and plan to do so unless it gets too big. Like you it hasn't occurred to me to take it off.
I still feel married and my ring gives me comfort. I don't think it's wrong to take it off, it's just not right (at the moment) for me.

Thank you. That’s pretty much how I feel. I know that, in the eyes of the law and for the purposes of bureaucratic form-filling etc, I am widowed rather than married, but the ring is staying! Of course, others may feel differently.

When my first husband died my ring became too big and I nearly lost it, I decided to put it away thinking I could have it made smaller if I missed it. It just felt right not to put it back on in the end.

I can’t envisage not wearing my ring since my second DH died, it seems different somehow because I am over 60 and can’t imagine wanting to meet anyone else. When I was widowed at 43 I felt more open to that as there seemed to be so many years ahead.

I suppose to sum up there’s no rush to remove your ring, if you do and it doesn’t feel right you can change your mind. You probably will know when the time is right for you and stand firm if anyone else has an opinion, it’s your choice.

I still wear mine. Anyone who tries to tell me that I should take mine off can get raffled: it's up to the individual.

It's been five and a half years for me.

ETA No longer married? We're widowed, not divorced. Eff 'em.

I still feel married as well @WearyAuldWumman again I think that is very personal and that can change or not at different times for different people.

Yes, I totally agree - it's different for everyone.

I do find myself getting annoyed at the audacity of people who try to dictate to others.

I had a conversation with my vicar a few years ago and agreed that often all the people around the widowed person seem to know exactly what they should do and are not shy of sharing their opinion, whilst the widowed person is completely overwhelmed and unsure of their own way forward.

He had experienced a widowed parishioner’s family telling her just after the funeral that she needed to sell her home and downsize as soon as possible.

Still very much married. So much so I got quote of a poem I love tattooed down my arm

That’s beautiful. I’m also planning a tattoo, but can’t quite decide what or where.

I've had two people insisting that I should move home to a small house in an area with no decent public transport, so that I can be near family/near friends.

The family member is now looking to move to another area and - this is neither here nor there, I guess - when DH died I don't recall being invited to bubble up to spend the night at any point around DH's death (including the funeral).

The friend who wanted me to move to be 'near my friends' is overlooking the fact that she's my only friend in that area - the other friends she keeps referring to are her friends, people I don't know.

I still wear mine and I also wear DH’s slim wedding ring on my right hand. I am still married in my eyes and I always will be.

I don’t plan on not wearing it either. I love my rings they are beautiful and a great reminder of my fantastic DH and the fabulous life we had together.

Yes, I think that’s a large part of it; the rings symbolise the time we had together.

I dont wear my wedding ring. I bought a ring after dh died which to me represents our dcs and I wear that instead.
I did cry tonight. My dear sister,who got on so well with dh, finally closed on her first bought property after a lifetime of renting. In her 60s its a huge change. She sent me photos today after getting her keys and I so wanted to show them to dh, her beloved BIL. He would have been thrilled for her.

Thank you..😊 actually on the wedding ting thing, I got my own ring to wear as a symbol not just because my menopause is making my fingers swell 🙈🙈

I wear my wedding ring, my engagement ring and eternity ring. I still call myself Mrs Graciouslyungreatful.

Arghhhh. Those unseen coming triggers. Ended up very tearful when Monty Don announced his retirement but nothing to with Monty himself. More to do with DH, gardening and golden retrievers.

Yes, I wept when I saw Saving Lives at Sea was on. It was a programme we always watched together. DH loved it. I can’t watch it now.

I hear you. I’ve been watching Vigil, knowing that he would have enjoyed it, and enjoyed scoffing at its more ludicrous elements.

I get the same when there's a film where the underdog finally overcomes...I see DH pumping his fist and grinning at me.

DH unbeknown to many was a huuuuge EastEnders fan and this was revealed during the eulogy. He went out to the duff duffs which caused a big ripple of smiles across the congregation.

Yes to programmes you can’t watch anymore, there were some I could never watch again after my first husband died, so the viewing choices are quite limited at times. Do any of you feel that sometimes we get a message, it’s something I have always believed in and noticed a lot with other bereavements. It’s my birthday today, so very mixed emotions, I put the radio on when I went down to let the dogs out and my husband’s favourite Roxy Music song Avalon came on. You may not know the lyrics so have attached the first part of them, but it definitely seemed like a message, music was a huge part of our lives and there was a 12 hour playlist by the time we put all the favourites together for the wake!

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud my DH laughed at the previous series too

I can't watch sport on TV anymore. We used to spend hours with sports on in the background. Not even properly watching it - DH would fall asleep half the time.
I found out yesterday that my totally unromantic DH had been asking my DD for advice on an eternity ring for my birthday (I will be 60 on Saturday). He never thought about presents, never mind 8 months in advance. It makes me sad and so happy at the same time.
I know she has ordered a ring for me from him and I will wear it forever.
Although we don't really know why he died, I sometimes think he may have, subconsciously known (even though he wasn't ill) that he didn't have long. Does anyone else feel like that?

@Roseshavethorns My first husband died very suddenly, but there were many things that happened that made me think not that he knew but that somehow things had been put in order. My elder children had finished their exams, the youngest had his settling in day at secondary school (which I had to appeal so far from certain) He also had contact with old friends out of the blue and the night before he died a long telephone call with his brother who wasn’t close and a visit from someone he was fond of and hadn’t seen for a long time and my DD went to her prom and he saw her leave and the pictures when she came home. We also looked through many old photos together as we were putting together a memory card for my DM’s birthday gift of an electric photo frame. In the morning before he left he said something lovely to me and kissed our youngest goodbye.

In hindsight it seemed as though things were put in place that helped afterwards.

I am sure the ring will be beautiful and how lovely that he thought of that.