This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

Thankfully DH took retirement just before he turned 60 so he had just over three years, I am appalled by the constantly rising state pension age as I believe many people will just not live to have any retirement at all.

Honestly, I think that's the plan. Yes, I am cynical.

i am able to say no to things. The counselling was very clear in forming boundaries. With friends. Fellow dog walkers, work, so I think that is a positive. I had 6 weeks with cruse but I feel it’s the end of another thing related to DH and that made me sad. I’ve slept most of yesterday and today. I’m at the ‘I have children with me at home’ but they are young adults. I was given 2 weeks of zopiclone but the taste 🤢 I only ever used 2.

Oh yes - there is so much that we were going to do 'at some point'.
The irony is that we had finally started getting things sorted, as the plan was to sell up in 5 years and move elsewhere for retirement.

But of course DH didn't get to retire.

However, I am very glad that we did spend so much time together rather than doing chores separately.

Unfortunately I'm now in a house that I can't afford to run longterm on my own, and so am having to get things fixed so that I can move on my own. I just don't know where to go - so am not going to rush into anything for at least a year.

Do I stay here, where I have friends, a social life and a support network, or move closer to a sibling - with no guarantee that they will continue to stay in that area anyway?

And in the meantime I'm delaying my retirement plans - for both financial and social reasons.

This has just come up in my FB feed. I have no idea as to whether or not it's of any help, but putting the link here just in case.

https://www.thewidowedcollective.com/

Bereavement brings so much uncertainty. I do think if it all possible we should try and hold back from moving and doing anything that can’t be undone.

I told myself I wouldn’t do anything in the first year and I didn’t but here I am 18 months down the line. I’m now telling myself I’m not going to do anything prior to the five year mark and am fortunate that I can afford that. It will bring me a lot closer to retirement age and I will have been living alone and be more able to understand my life I think by then.

I have found a financial advisor I finally trust and that is actually making quite a big difference to understanding the way forwards living alone.

I had decided I was definitely moving away after a year but now I'm not so sure. My little village is safe, supportive and I have lovely neighbours. I can easily afford to stay here on my own even though it's too big.
What worries me (and this is probably stupid) is moving and ending up with horrible neighbours or not feeling safe. I don't have a town/ city I call home, home was always where DH was. My children are spread out and not yet settled. At least here I have people to chat to.

When I lost my first husband everyone advised me to wait before moving, the trouble with that in hindsight was that it was a sudden traumatic loss and whilst I was living in that house I was effectively being retraumatised every day with that memory. I moved around the two year mark and it made a huge difference.

This time round I have found myself having frequent flashbacks to DH’s illness and death and also my health has deteriorated to the point that I really need a smaller house, a bungalow and to be nearer my children if I need some help (though I am hopeful that my health may improve given some time). So for different and similar reasons I think it’s right to move sooner this time. I am retired already so don’t have work commitments or a need to find another job to factor into my decision.

In general I think it is wise to take your time, but you will know when the time is right, if you don’t have a strong urge or reason drawing you to another area, maybe a downsize in the same area to keep your support network might be best.

It's been 5 and bit years for me and it's taken all this time for my brain to begin to function normally - possibly exacerbated by the fact that I'm on my own apart from seeing cousins occasionally - and I'm meeting up with DH's lovely brother and SIL tonight: they live a good distance away.

The house is a bit big for me, already partially adapted and could be adapted more. The garden is definitely too big - or at least in need of sorting out - but I need to get the drains fixed first. shakes fist at extension contractor

The garden and the household bills were a huge factor for me moving after my first bereavement, it was very large and DS1 was leaving for university and he at least mowed the lawns for me , I couldn’t afford help in the garden and it was a very large house.

I'm feeling very weighed down by it all at the moment, and the final straw this weekend was being unable to unscrew the u bend in the kitchen sink, I ended up in tears on the floor with frustration and despair.

I desperately want to move, we'd started to talk about it before DH was ill (we rent) and I so want to have my own place which is smaller & more manageable - but I'm caught in the trap of not quite enough money to buy (I won't get a mortgage as I'm too old and self employed) and wasting money on rent. I can't see a way out of it, and there are no smaller cheaper places either - we have a good deal here because it's all a bit tatty.

I don't want to leave the area because it's where all my friends are, and the thought of starting afresh is terrifying but unfortunately prices here are not really coming down. I've widened my search, and lowered my requirements and expectations but there's nothing. I can't face a renovation either, cosmetic I'm fine with but building works and stuff would be too much for me.

At the moment, I intend to stay. I won't find a better location here - in terms of proximity to GP, shops, public transport - and could live in the downstairs area only if need be. However, I might install a stairlift at some point.

I need to get the drains sorted out first and then look at what I can do with the garden. Once DH had his stroke, all that we had planned suddenly became too difficult - he couldn't have tolerated the upheaval.

I didn't find out about the drain issue until after he'd died and after I'd already had the wet room floor replaced.

A cousin urged me to sell 'as seen', but I'd get sweeties for it in the current condition and certainly not enough to buy a decent place in a good location.

Hey ho.

So far as the garden is concerned, I had two big trees taken out - a willow that was too close to the drains and a Norway Spruce that had outgrown its place (plus a neighbour was complaining that it was blocking their view - it wasn't next to their garden, but opposite it).

It took a few thousand, but at least I'm no longer having to pay to have them pruned every two to three years.

I have a cherry on dwarf rooting stock round the front and I've managed to prune that myself - not sure what the stock is - it still gets as big as a single storey.

@frostyfingers apologies if this isn’t relevant but I have heard that social housing for over 55’s is more available than general social housing. Our council recently launched a small development of very nice flats which also had a qualifying local connection criteria. It might be worth looking into, as it would give you a secure tenancy too.

Today is my first 'proper' day at work since DH died.

I'm absolutely dreading it - we both worked in the same school, and the thought of spending today and tomorrow in a crowded hall listening to senior leaders talk - without DH next to me - is so daunting.

I know that I will be surrounded by supportive and kind colleagues who are also mourning DH - but I just want him there.

I don't want the endless concerned faces asking me how I'm doing, the people who want to hug me (I'm not really a hugging person unless it was DH), the offers of help that are meaningless ('let me know what I can do' - I have no idea of what I need from day to day - I'm in a permanent state of confusion and bewilderment).

I went in for the last day of term in July, and for GCSE results day in August, but this seems much more difficult.

I will be fine, and I'll get through it somehow - I just don't want to have to leave my house and face other people.

I tell myself that today will be harder than tomorrow, and next week, when students return, it will be much easier.

It doesn't help that I'm not in one subject area - I'm in 4 - so I don't really have a close team that I'll be with. But that does also mean that I can absent myself if necessary, and no one will notice.

@Jaffapaffa sending supportive big hugs for today. 💐💐💐💐💐

@Jaffapaffa you can do this
I hope it goes ok. Don't be afraid to tell people what will make it easier for you.
Hopefully since it's not the first day they have seen you the hugs and offers of help will be slightly muted.

Sending you a virtual hand hold, Jaffapaffa.

Oh @Jaffapaffa I feel for you, wishing you strength.

Wishing you well @Jaffapaffa .

I have an idea of how you feel. For many years, DH and I worked in the same school.

After he died I did a small amount of supply there. Once I got through the first day, I managed okay. The worse was the first time I went into what had been his classroom. After that, I coped.

Thinking of you.

I had my radiator fitted. It’s a modern tall one in graphite, it looks lovely.

I find it so incredibly stressful having workmen in the house. These two were lovely. A very polite youngster and an older man, who wanted to chat. He told me his son owns the heating company, and he works part time for him. He has three GC, although the oldest was adopted by his son when he married his DW. He told me the oldest had all his new school uniform ready for secondary school but when he tried it on ready for school the next day, he’d grown out of it. He told me his two GDs swim very well. He told me he’s separated and very domesticated. Gosh, there was more. I felt completely shattered when they left.

@Graciouslyungreatful im jealous of your new radiator. I need a couple of new shower doors, but not sure I could chat all day with a fitter. I went to the village fete with my best friend and dodged a few people I know because it felt so strange not being there with DH chatting to everyone (he would have been elated as I won 3rd prize on the raffle and would have been telling everyone I won).

I just realised today that it’s now two years since the going downhill fast of DH’s health started. I am still finding it extremely difficult to comprehend he’s been gone 18 months in a few days time. I know I am better but today for some odd reason was just plain hard, no idea really why, just sort of came out of nowhere and bang, I actually went to bed this afternoon hoping sleep would snap me out of it but it didn’t.

In the end I forced myself to get out my hobby things and focus on that and it did help a bit.

Yes I’m 18 months on, so I understand. 18 months feels like nothing really. I think about DH all the time. Some days are better than others but on the whole it all feels very fresh still.

I find being around being around people very tiring. You have to be polite with work people but I am so relieved when they’ve finally gone.

I had double glazing fitted this week.
I had a small local builder. It only took 3 days but after day 1 I went out each day and left the guys to it. ( The beauty of living in a tiny village - I can trust them all). Normally DH would deal with all of that so it really was a stressful experience. I suppose the next time will be easier. I thought I would feel great afterwards but I just feel flat.
The trouble with getting anything major work done is that it just highlights everything else that needs done.
I went to our nearest city for a mooch around the shops when they were here. I have lost a fair bit of weight so I had no idea what size I am. Well I still have no idea what size I am. I ended up buying a few tops, some medium, some large and a couple extra large (although they are too big I think) all from the same shop!
I have been offered some group counselling/ support starting in October. I find bereavement forums helpful so I am going to give it a go.