This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

Hello, whatifitallgoesright.

I’m also very much in favour of counselling. I think I started too early (I mistook the number of months it’s usually considered best to wait for the number of weeks) but I’m finding it helpful for all the reasons Hisredipad lists.

There was an interview with Richard E Grant at the weekend and it touched upon the death of his wife and grieving. He responded to the "time is a healer" question with this, "it isn't, it only habituates you to accept what is incomprehensible" which nails it for me. I haven't read his book that describes his last year with his wife, I don't think I could but what he says really resonates.

In time, at best, you just get used to the pain. 18 months on, the shock has receded somewhat. DH died very unexpectedly.

I follow Richard E Grant on Instagram, but haven’t read his book. I agree very much with what he says there; he said recently (perhaps in the same interview) that, although at one level, he knows his wife has gone, his mind still hasn’t really accepted it. I feel similarly, there are daily reminders that my husband isn’t here and I’ve dealt with a ton of admin to do with that, but I’m still incredulous.

I’m feeling very low this week. My best friend was coming to town for an event, gave me very little notice so I rejigged my diary so we could meet, and then she cancelled on me. That’s life, I know, but it stings.

I have completely crashed this week. I thought I was doing really well but the fall has been brutal. It's a combination of a number of things I think but it's really just that I want DH back.
I met up with an old friend last week. It was nice seeing him. But I think it really brought home to me (again) just how much I have lost. How truly beautiful our marriage actually was.

Yes, it still hits me like that sometimes @Roseshavethorns. I might have said this on one of the previous threads: sometimes I feel as though DH is just on the other side of a curtain and if I reach past it I'll be able to pull him through.

I don't want other people: I just want him.

My last counselling session was yesterday. I’m ashamed to say I put on an act because I’m just as sad as when I started. I just think you can’t help me, it’s feels so lonely, I don’t like this person I am now. It’ll be a year in November and I’m dreading the one yr mark. I’m sorry we are all here

I find that my counselling sessions don't stop me being sad - far from it - but I am gradually developing skills to manage the sadness, and to start forgiving myself. I've also started to say 'no' to people with whom I just dong want to spend any time - the counselling sessions have helped me to put myself first instead of trying to please others.

There's still so far to go, but I'm glad that I have spent time talking to a completely neutral person.

But I would far far rather be chatting to DH about how I feel - the cruel irony that the one person I need to be here with me just can't be.

I feel the same, Jaffapaffa. My counsellor is helping me feel more confident in saying yes or no to things and, more generally, in facing up to this future which I don’t want but have to adapt to.

I am so bloody tired. Beyond tired,but not sleeping . DH died last month and I have coped with everything bar this crushing fatigue. If I could spend the rest of my.life in bed I probably would.

@TakeThon i feel similar but 18 months in. But I am only on counselling session two. I don’t see me being over it at the last session. I’m not sure I ever will be but as @Jaffapaffa says I hope it will lesson and skills learned will help 💐💐💐

I’m not surprised you feel the way you do. I’m sure at similar time scale I felt the same. If you can, I would give into it. Try and make sure you are hydrated and that you eat properly. I did that mainly by batch cooking when I felt okay and then been able to whip something out of the freezer when I didn’t. I bought a teasmade to make the tea as I was so shattered I couldn’t stand there waiting for the kettle to boil.

I think I gave myself something like two months to start feeling better and then I decided that if that hadn’t happened, I would actually go to the GP. My body was physically burnt out as much as it was mentally burnt out.

I really don’t think it’s worrying at the moment, but you do need to look after yourself 💐💐💐

I’m further in than you, Hedjwitch, and am still exhausted, both mentally and physically. I echo Hisredipad’s suggestions.

I’m sleeping better, which has helped a bit, and am trying to eat well. I’m supposed to be following a strict low-carb diet, which will supposedly do wonders for my health, but I do miss the consolation of cake!

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned it on this post as I’m caught up on some cancer posts but one of the things that I found really helpful for major fatigue is eating oily fish

Smash
Sardines, mackerel, anchovy salmon herring

I watched a program with BBC’s Clive myrie which was off the back of Michael Mosley’s health program called just one thing. It advocated eating salmon or oily fish three times a week.

I started doing that
A bit of scrambled egg and salmon for breakfast, another day having it as a lunch, or as a sandwich with some cream cheese, I would then also have a salmon steak with some of the batch ladies egg fried rice recipe which is great for freezing. I mentioned this to my cancer nutrition lady and she told me that cancer suffers actually need five portions a week. Now I do find it difficult to do five portions a week but on the week that I do more of oily fish I do feel so much better.

Hope that might help xx

My GP prescribed me some sleeping tablets. I’ve used them sensibly and only taken one when I’m desperate. They have definitely helped me through some very dark times. It’s like having a security blanket, knowing if I’m desperate I can take one and sleep.

I go through phases of needing to go back on the sleeping tablets when stressed, but I find that half a Zoplicone (half of a 3.75 mg tablet) is enough.

I was prescribed sleeping pills after my husband died, but then the GP wouldn’t prescribe more of the same “because they were addictive”. I pointed out that they could be addictive if taken for more than a month, and we were talking about a second week (and, frankly, addiction to sleeping pills would have been the least of my problems) but she wouldn’t budge and then prescribed something completely ineffective. Hey ho.

I'm exhausted too but I think it's more the quality of sleep and the 4am wake up rather than the inability to sleep at all. I'm so completely sluggish even my resting heart rate has dropped to 46 ( I have a Garmin watch, I'm not checking my health stats).
I am having double glazing fitted this week and my anxiety is through the roof. Normally if we were getting work done I would go and visit one of the children and leave DH to deal with everything. Now there's only me.

That sense of “it’s only me” is itself exhausting, I think. There’s a lot of work to be done to the house and, although it was only ever me who found people and got quotes etc, it now somehow weighs more heavily because there’s no second opinion.

Yes, absolutely. I miss the opportunity to discuss even the most banal decisions with someone else.

I've had some work done, but have stalled at the relatively simple task of getting a plumber in to faff about with radiators, despite having had contact details for 2 plumbers for over a month. It's as if my brain needs to reboot.

Unfortunately I'm back at work on Thursday for the first time since DH passed away, so the plumber situation will stay unresolved now for several more weeks.

18 months on I’m gradually finding I can face having people in to fix up the house. Just after DH died my toilet was leaking and it felt like an absolutely monumental task to find someone and get it fixed.

I need a new radiator in the kitchen and I’m having it done tomorrow. It feels much more doable.

I'm still having to force myself to see to things about the house.

I should have had a major job done this year, but then discovered that I had a legal problem to tackle - one not of my making, but in need of being resolved nevertheless. I'm still trying to sort it out.

Last week, I did manage to make myself phone BT to sort out the business with the phone line - I'm no longer allowed to have separate providers for my wifi and my landline, apparently and an engineer needs to fit the new type of phone access.

I have also realised how many jobs are outstanding in the house or started and not finished. I hate the feeling that people will be judging DH because of it.
The simple truth is we didn't know that there was a time limit and we kept finding better things to spend our money on.

@Roseshavethorns that’s the thing you think there is time and then there isn’t 😔 this was supposed to be our forever home. It’s only three and a half years since we moved here.

We both had our own houses as we had both been widowed before, on paper I own half of this house, but I never paid for it as I couldn’t sell my house. I now have tenants in that till the end of the year as the market was still so bad last year and we had no idea that DH was about to get his diagnosis.

I am moving nearer my brother and adult children soon as a family member has been able to help me get a new home as they felt I couldn’t wait for this whole mess to be sorted out.

Life can change in an instant and sometimes it just comes out of a clear blue sky and takes away all the hopes and dreams you had for a shared future.

Yes. The sympathy card that meant the most to me was the one from a former colleague that said something along the lines of "I'm sorry that you didn't have a longer retirement together." (We were luckier than many - I retired at 58, so we had two years.)