Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

How do I tell my daughter?

85 replies

paulaplumpbottom · 10/01/2007 16:31

I had a miscarriage on Monday and my Granny died on Monday night. We told my daughter at Christmas that I was pregnant and she has been soo excited. She was aware that my Granny was sick. I am having trouble coping at the moment and she keeps asking me loads of questions which is understandable. What do I say to her? She'll be devestated by both.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 10/01/2007 16:32

She is only 3

OP posts:
Califrau · 10/01/2007 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairyjay · 10/01/2007 16:44

I'm so sorry about both of your losses.

You need to talk to your daughter, and explain that you're feeling sad because you've lost your baby and your Granny.

It's lovely that you've got her to give you the cuddles you must need at the moment.

twoplusone · 10/01/2007 17:13

so sorry for your losses..

Maybe when you sit down and talkto her about it, tell her that Granny is looking after the baby in heaven, and they will always be together..

Sorry not much help I know.. so sorry for your losses

Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 10/01/2007 17:34

Thak you so much for your kind words. I really like that Twoplusome. I think the idea has even helped me a bit. Thanks.

OP posts:
andlittlelambmakesfour · 10/01/2007 17:43

I'm so sorry. I'm doing some research on this at the mo as my daughter lost both her grandmother and a nursery mate when she was three and had a strong reaction which her school didn't deal with all that well. I'm a primary teacher and I really want to help schools do it better. The advice you already have sounds good. I would avoid euphemisms and use dead and died as they are less likely to be misunderstood. Don't be afraid to show her you are upset. She may show no reaction or may be clingy or have tummy aches etc. She may return to this matter often which can be hard for you but she is processing it all. If you want any more info or pointing to some resources please say. I'll check back later.

Hope this helps.

Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 10/01/2007 19:16

Thank you, that would be lovely.

OP posts:
IamBlossom · 10/01/2007 20:30

So sorry for your losses Paula. big hugs to you sweetheart. {{{{}}}}}

twoplusone · 10/01/2007 20:33

paulaplumpbottom- glad I amanged to help you at this difficult time.. my heart goes out to you.

Take care of yourself.x

Jossiejump · 10/01/2007 20:35

It will probably be best to answer her questions as honestly as you feel she is ready for.
My two sons aged 3 and 6 witnessed me haemhorraging and collapsing with a miscarriage. For the next about 2.5 months they were asking me questions / talking about it everyday, the six year old was asking more detailed questions about where the blood came from etc (we didn't tell him about the baby), whereas my 3 year old was making comments such as the ambulance took you away, or you had red on your bottom.
I talked to my health visitor and she was great and agreed with me that answering their questions to as much as I wanted to let them understand was best for them, rather than hiding the fact and trying to sidestep them. The m/c happenned in August and suddenly in the middle of October they both stoppped asking things.
Hope this helps

PandaG · 10/01/2007 20:36

so sorry to hear this Paula. You have been given some good advice. Hugs x

Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 10/01/2007 21:07

Jossie were they upset?

OP posts:
andlittlelambmakesfour · 11/01/2007 18:16

I have been thinking of you all today - so sorry I didn't get back to you last night. Some books that might help:

Badger's parting Gifts by Susan Varley
Michael Rosen's Sad book
No Matter What by Debi Gliori

Hope your library has them!

and a brilliant website: winstonswish charity .

Hugs for you all!

uwila · 11/01/2007 18:24

Oh no,Paula. I'm so sorry.

PinkTulips · 11/01/2007 18:27

i'm so sorry for your losses paula

brilliant advice here though, hope telling her goes as well as can be expected.

Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 11/01/2007 18:30

Thanks Uwila. I can always use support from the clique.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 11/01/2007 18:32

Thanks Little lamb. I'll definatly search those out.

OP posts:
PeckaRolloverAgain · 11/01/2007 18:37

omg paula, Im really sad that you have lost the baby. You were on the August thread werent you? I was there briefly and then left for the same reason I had a miscarriage too.

I really am very sad for her and sorry that your Granny died as well What a sad time for you.

How old is your daughter?

Marina · 11/01/2007 18:42

Michael Rosen's Sad Book is beautiful and you might find it touching paula but I think your dd might be too young for it IMO. Badger's Parting Gift is a lovely book too.
I am so sorry about your two bereavements . What sad timing.
We had to tell 3 year old ds that the baby in my tummy had died - I was 21 weeks pregnant at the time, so had a bump etc - and he took it badly I'm afraid. Tbh me having to be away overnight, being induced, was probably what upset him more.
As others have said, be honest in reply to your dd's questions, don't use euphemisms and don't try to hide the fact from her that you are grieving.
I hope you are recovering physically from the M/C OK.

Cadbury · 11/01/2007 18:48

Really sorry to hear about your loss Paula.

I don't have anything more to add to the suggestions put forward already, but I do have a copy of Badger's Parting Gifts that I'd be happy to loan you if you like. Please feel free to CAT me and I'll send it to you.

Hang in there.

cori · 11/01/2007 18:51

I had amiscarriage at 17 weeks ,I told my 3 year old DS that the baby had gone away, I knew he couldnt understand the concept of death and its permenance. He asked many times for many months wether the baby had come back. His behaviour did go a bit odd for a while and I think he took it quite badly in his own way. When I got pregnant again, and eventually felt i could tell him, he said 'i know that mummy, I told you a baby would come back' [smiley],

ManchesterMum · 11/01/2007 19:20

So desperately sorry to hear your news. I can not imagine how you're coping with the compounded grief.

Our DD2 was stillborn at 35 weeks in August last year, shortly after DD1's 4th birthday. We explained that DD2 died because she had not grown properly in Mummy's tummy and that the doctors were unable to make her better. We also told DD1 how happy we were that she had grown properly and that she continues to make us happy, even at such a sad time. On those inevitable occasions when we found ourselves upset in DD1's company, we would stress that our sadness was because we had been looking forward to being a larger family, rather than saying that we missed DD2.

I've no idea if we did the right thing, we simply did what felt right at the time. However I feel that DD1 talking about DD2 quite matter-of-factly, as she sometimes does, is probably a good thing and a sign that she accepts what has happened as part of the cycle of life.

To be honest, DD1 has proved a tower of strength to both DH and me over the months, with a directness about death and dying that some find shocking but which I have found really refreshing when so many others are watching what they say, for fear of causing upset. I hope that you are able to find the same strength in your own daughter, family and friends in the days, weeks and months to come.

Will be thinking of you.

Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 11/01/2007 19:36

My husband doesn't want to tell her. I think we both are worried about how she will take it. He doesn't want to hurt her. I have to bring him around to I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulaplumpbottom · 11/01/2007 19:37

I was on there Pecka. How are you? Are you coping ok? DD is 3.

OP posts:
Aloha · 11/01/2007 19:53

You do have to tell her. I had to tell my ds that his grandpa had died just before Christmas. I just said, 'I have something very sad to tell you. Grandpa had an accident in his car and he died.' I do think you have to be very straightforward with young children so you don't confuse them.
IN your case it is harder as you have two sad things to tell her. I'd say (while cuddling her) 'I have two sad things to tell you. The baby in my tummy was poorly and has died, and Granny has died too." she might ask lots of questions or say nothing. The important thing is to be honest and give her lots of cuddles. Good luck, and I'm really sorry for your losses.