A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

The love you have for Mia will not be diminished by time, and she will always be your son's big sister. Thinking of you x

GRW you are right, my love for my little red-head will always burn so very fiercely and proudly.

And having Finn allows me to be a mother again, and that brings much joy. I just wish my children could know one another.

Was thinking about you all this morning so thought I'd pop along to say hello and give you a virtual hug. Maybe it's from Mia. Xx

thanks tamdin, I think it is. Mia is still sending me signs to let us know she loves us... Saw some lovely cloud kisses in the sunshine the past couple of days, and a beautiful rust-coloured leaf flew into the kitchen when I opened the window yesterday, and her blackbird has returned, singing us some beautiful songs.

I love that Finn is fixated by Mia's photo on the bedside table.

Yes, Mia is still with us.

Today, her little friend who is 2 and a half told me how her "twinkle-star friend" picks her up when she falls over. She then looked at Mia's photo on my phone and told me that this was her "twinkle-star friend."

Such a beautiful, caring image from a child.

I've felt Mia a lot this week. Just in little things, perhaps it's the advent of spring that makes me feel her love. Her blackbird is back, trilling from the rooftop, and we are seeing cloud-kisses in the blue sky. I see her in Finn's magical smile.

I wondered today about whether we would have had them share a bedroom, or perhaps moved her upstairs...

I wondered if, like our some close friends with two children, if we would be sleep-deprived, getting up to two children each night...

I wondered if Mia would be like the sweet little 2-year-old red-head in Finn's singing class, who shyly brings across musical toys for him to try...

Such nice problems to have. If only.

May the pain in your heart ease a little each day.... Take comfort that Mia is there with you, shinning bright, shinning her love and light on so many xxxxxxxxx

everlong, thank you Blackbirds and robins, I always think of you and Oliver when our curious robin pops in to say hello.

pookie yes, the raw grief is easing, but there is such a deep, deep sadness in my heart forever. Sadness seems such an inadequate word for that feeling. I do see Mia everywhere. Yet, at the same time, there is such confusion and shock, knowing she is not growing up as she ought.

Thanks to a faulty skype connection, and a lot of family love, Finn and I will be off in June to visit Miasgrandad and the rest of the family overseas. It is exciting, but it will be hard too, as I will be seeing all the friends whom I have not seen since we proudly showed off 4-month-old Mia in Christmas 2010. As one of them wrote to me, not only are they looking forward to meeting my little boy, they want to give all the hugs we couldn't give you before.

I only imagine how your pain must be... You are are in my thoughts and I often think of your smiling girl... Hope you have a good time on holiday with little Finn x

Spent 2 hours reading your beautiful thread about your lovely family and beautiful big girl. Hope you don;t mind that I read the news articles, mainly as I wanted to see her face and for a brief moment enjoy her gorgeousness and her red-haired, joyful face. Congratulations on baby brother - her is honoured to be born into a family so full of love.

Looking forward to see how the wood grows and touches people and thank you.

The words will never be right , but they are my sincere thoughts, through tears after hours of reading your beautiful words.

mumble I am touched, not upset, that you cared enough to want to see the photos of Mia. I would happily show her off to the whole world, if I could.

A sad moment yesterday. MrMia is so in love with Finn, just as he is with Mia, and I know Finn's smile lights up his world. Yesterday, he came downstairs before leaving for work, and said "I need a hug", sounding very upset and tearful. As we held each other, I asked him what was the matter. "I just hate leaving Finn when he is being so gorgeous, and then I worry that something could happen and I might never see either of you again." It hurt so much that I couldn't give him a guarantee that we would be fine. Nothing is guaranteed in life.

Hi Mia's. I haven't posted for ages even though I read regularly, because there is nothing to be said.

I feel terribly inadequate to offer comfort when I haven't experienced what you have been through. Your most recent post underlined that even more. I would instinctively have reassured my DH if he had said what MrMias said - but you are absolutely right. There are no guaranteees, and life seems to be a random series of chance events.
Thinking of you, as always, and hoping that Finn continues to bring you great joy, and that somehow, somewhen, it will all be OK.
Lots of love. Xxx

I started this second thread about Mia a year ago today. I am amazed that so many of you continue to care, and continue to write to me. Please know that it helps.

I don't want to go back to re-read what I have written at the moment as it will bring up too many raw emotions - but this painful, terrible journey has brought me to a place of acceptance, and as ever, such love for my beautiful red-headed daughter.

That's not to say that things don't rise up and 'bite' me anymore, because they do... Last night was very confronting. I went to a first aid training course and I hadn't considered it properly. Upon entering, I saw three CPR dummies, an adult, a child, and a baby dressed in a babygrow. It was the babygrow which totally shocked me. It just took me back to that night when I saw the doctors pummelling Mia's limp, fragile little body. She looked like a doll then, and this dummy reminded me of her. But I had to do the course - I could not let fear overcome me, as I would never forgive myself if as a consequence, Finn or another child needed help I could otherwise have provided. So I stayed, and learnt - yet even now, the thought of those images makes me shiver.

And today, the beautiful stone with Mia's poem and floating leaves finally arrived at her playground. Admittedly, months after the original delivery date of September in time for her birthday. It is so beautiful, but so sad too.

Clutching a hand to complete the chain,
Love through a touch, simple and plain.
To twirl on the roundabout, slide down the slide,
A little finger pointing, please one more ride.
Enjoying a beauty for all to be seen
Mia, our child, our little queen.
The love that connects our hearts with that touch
Will always be there, we love you so much.

You are present every day, my darling girl.

Still here and always listening. Sending you love and hugs x

Still here too thinking and praying for you all.
You were just so brave doing that CPR course.

Mia's stone is just so perfect, so beautiful.
In years ahead children will read her words and say her name as they play there and Mia will carry on living through them.

What beautiful words for a beautiful girl, from a beautiful family who are so brave and stronger than they think... You are all in my thoughts and make me pause and take a breath and appreciate my dd when I forget to. xxxxxxx

I have been reading your thread in tears MiasMummy.

I just wanted to say how your love for your darling girl shines through each and every post.

I am absolutely sure that she had a wonderful, though sadly too brief, life with both you and your DH. She sounds like she was such a happy inquisitive playful little girl.

I wish you all the best for your family in the future XX

Thank you all - everlong, pookie, Tamdin, jmf, truly, and my new friends, mumble and onward. You all say such beautiful things about Mia.

Sometimes it's overwhelming to face the reality of life. Yet I have to. It hits me in the face every time I look at Finn, and feel how much I love him. It tells me that time has moved on, and Mia is not here. If Finn is here, then she is not. Not in a way that works for me.

Three times in two days I have had to tell people about Mia. They all asked how many children I have. I can say the words quite calmly now, without tears, but always conveying how much we love and miss Mia. The hardest part is watching their faces crumple with shock, horror and sympathy.

I remember reading about Mia at the beginning of your story. And I didn't post because I had nothing useful to say.

But now I have a red-head of my own, I just wanted to say that I think of you often. And I treasure every moment I have with my red-headed girl.

Wishing you strength in the days, weeks, months, years ahead.

x

MrMia and I are yet to collect Mia's ashes. We don't really know what to do with them. The natural thing would be to scatter them at Mia's Wood. However, he also suggested that there is a technique where ashes can be compressed into a diamond which I could have made into a piece of jewellery which I could always wear. I don't know whether this would be lovely or slightly creepy. So her ashes remain where they are...