A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Another difficult and unwanted decision for you both to have to make. Fwiw I am sure that you are doing the right thing by giving yourselves time until you feel ready. Both of those ideas are lovely. And whatever you decide, you already carry Mia in your heart all the time.

Whatever you choose to do in the end will be the right thing for you.

Thinking of you with love. Xx

Thank you for understanding. I'm not sure many would.

It is now over 19 months since Mia died. So long, but so recent too. Yet on the 24th of May, for the first time, I did not mark the day. I felt guilty afterwards, when I remembered.

A recent kind question from another MN-er asking how I am has made me think. The question made me realise just how very much Mia is part of my present. Finn plays with her toys, and her little milestones are discussed alongside his, and we say she has taught him her high-pitched scream!! She fits in naturally into our conversations. She has shaped so many of my friendships, on MN and in RL. We have Mia's Wood and Mothers Instinct as part of her legacy. Mia has changed my life, not in ways that I ever expected or wanted, yet still, I are strangely grateful...

Lovely Mia's: the four of you are all indelibly woven together, covered by your gossamer shawl of love, memories and loss.

What a tribute to her that you have done so much in her name, and what a tribute to you and your parenting that she is so very much alive and such a natural part of Finn's present.

Her legacy should have been otherwise, but the fact that you have done such incredible and life-changing things in her name says so much about the bond between you all: still there, and still very much alive.

Lots of love. XXX

Repetition can bring superstition these days. Very conscious that I am repeating history with this visit with Finn to see family and friends. Other similar events evoke memories which jar - a supper with family after a perfect, happy day; showing Finn off at an afternoon tea; even the flight over - they all bring back Mia and our trip with her. I can't help but be a little scared that things could all end the same way... I know that my parents and MrMia have the same fear, despite all of us knowing it is not logical.

It is autumn here. She is here with us. I have seen the Mia irises in bloom on my parents' garden, along with the special orange-tinged Mia rose. This morning, Mia's blackbird hopped near the kitchen window to say hello. And the glorious red leaves in the sunshine emphatically declared a "Mia day" as we walked around the town with her little brother.

Love you, my darling child.

The last few days have been a whirl - catching up with so many friends and family. I am so aware of how much love is directed towards me, and how special and generous all these people are. They adore Finn, and want to celebrate and mourn Mia with me too.

It was Mia's Cousin Brown Hair's 3rd birthday party on Sunday. Chatter, noise and chaos with excited children running about, and coos as people cuddled the various new additions to the family. It was a happy time. As she blew out the candles, someone said "Isn't it lovely that Cousin Brown Hair has all her cousins here with her today?" And it was... except that she didn't. A little stab in the heart, but it was not meant unkindly. Yet as I have said just before, I do think Mia travels with us, so perhaps it is truer than I initially thought.

Love and Light to you all

My trip is nearly over. It has been busy and wonderful, spending time with so many people who love me, Mia and Finn. I don't think I could have been back earlier than this, but it was the right time to make the journey now. Much laughter,a few tears, and many discussions about both my children. It has been good to reconnect face-to-face.

These two weeks have reinforced in my mind just how much Mia's death affected the whole family and their circles of friends. It also showed me the strength of the friendships we have - so many people have supported the whole family, and they did really need that bolster of love throughout these months of pain and confusion. For their kindness, I am forever grateful.

Mia's death affected more people than you'll ever know, Mia's. Its quite extraordinary. To be as young as she was, and yet leave such a legacy behind. She will never be forgotten x

Thinking of you all xxxx

MrMia greeted us at the airport on our return, with both joy and relief we were back safe with him again. He then shyly admitted that somehow he had been hoping i would walk through with both Mia and Finn. That perhaps I had found her somewhere on my 24-hour journey while we had been flying, and not in contact. Now that would be a journey I would do any day.

Oh Miasmummy.
How brave of MrMia to cope without you and Finn, particularly during a long journey where you couldn't be in contact.
I still believe Mia is with you both, not in the way you want, but her spark shines on. She was with you in the autumn leaves the other side of the world, and she's with you in the summer sunshine here.

I see regularly see the group of friends who have children the same age as Mia. They all adore Finn. I think they feel some ownership of him, like he is their little brother. And they are all lovely big sisters and brothers to him, giving him the everyday love denied from Mia. One little girl was most indignant that her mother had seen us without her, as she had been at nursery at the time. "But I want to see baby Finn!"

When asked about how she knew what a shooting star was, another little girl earnestly told her mother that "her twinkle star friend" had explained it to her.

I'm glad that both our children are so loved by our friends.

Lots of Mia moments welling up at present...

...The little red-headed girl in Finn's songs and rhymes class looked at me today and said "Mia" very clearly. There isn't a Mia in the class.

...Finn is now wearing the same size nappies as Mia was, due to the wide range of weight they covers. I had kept the unused packets just for this moment, but it still feels very weird.

... hardest of all is having the highchair back in the kitchen as we start Finn on food. So many happy memories of Mia enjoying her the rainbow of morsels I loved to prepare for her, watching her enthusiasm for food.

I miss her so. I love Finn dearly, but it is hard as he grows and starts to sneak up on the definitive Mia memories I have etched in my head.

I agree with eighty twenty it's totally natural for you to compare your two children. The heartbreaking part is that for every comparison you make you understandably feel Mia's abscence all the more :(
I truly believe Mia is with you though and tries very hard to send you signs and make you feel her love. x

Look for the signs, they are all around you, Mia is there with you all. Your words flow with the love you have for Mia. xxxxx

Hey mias,
It's been a long time since I've written here (sounds like we have boys of similar age and I'm enjoying the weaning process with Ridley too) - but I still read and have such immense sympathy - your trip sounds really touching and must have been wonderful to talk about Mia with family x
The reason I am writing today is I read a review for a collection of poems called 'Her Birth' by Rebecca Goss - the review was in today's Observer. The background to the poems struck me as so similar to Mia - her daughter died at 18 months from a heart condition - they did know about it already I think - but the emotions and quality of writing in the poetry (her poem about the room for bad news in the hospital has drawn attention from health professionals) sounded like something you may want to at least be aware of as she's up for some quite prestigious prize so I imagine, even if you didn't want to read them, you should be aware of in case you get a load of 'you should read this.. Etc' and it blindsides you.
Sorry - v rambly!!
Sending love xx

astralabe thank you for thinking of me with that book. It's very kind. No-one has yet mentioned it to me, but I might have a look at the review so I can be prepared, just in case.

I was blindsided by another little incident over the weekend. We had friends over, and one of the little 2-year-old girls who doesn't talk much about Mia, suddenly looked up at me, with her earnest, blue eyes, and said "When is Mia going to get better?" Such a hard question to answer. And I had to find a way she would comprehend.

Mia's little twinkle-star friend was outside playing with her mother this evening, and they saw a unique phenomenon - an upside down rainbow. She called it a "rainbow smile from Mia." Touching in so many ways.

Mia is all around you... Look for the signs brave lady xxxxxxx

Thanks pookie. A big cloud kiss today in the sky too.

But a sad discovery tonight. Mia's Wood was broken into sometime over the last 24 hours. The gate had been smashed through, a car driven through the top of the field, and various bits of detritus left. Fortunately, only a few trees were run over. Nasty people.

But still, small fry really. We've suffered worse.

xxx