A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Lily, I'm glad that my posts help you. I know I also found strength from others who were further down the "crappy path", as we call it on the bereaved mothers' thread.

Everlong - thank you for saying hello to Mia. Not mad at all.

I am sitting here, holding my little niece, watching over her tonight while her mother gets some much-needed sleep. She is home after four days in hospital, and while the diagnosis is not great, it is not life-limiting if managed properly. It does mean a change in life for us all, especially these next few weeks as we all adjust and get the support in place that she needs.

It was hard watching her on the oxygen and heart-rate monitor though. Really hard.

[trulymadlydeeply]

Lots of love to you all, Mia's. So glad that it is not as grim as it could be, but so sad it's not straightforward, either. Xxx

[cjbk1]

I have no business on this thread (other than that I remember you) but just wanted to send you hugs and hope you have a lovely Christmas with Finn and love to your niece x

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi Mia's. Very glad to hear that your niece is out of danger and that things will be controllable. It's just learning how to deal with things as you said. I remember when ds3 was only 6 months old he had pneumonia and a collapsed lung and I had to learn to nebulise him during the night to help him breathe..... us mums find the strength to deal with things that previously were unimaginable. (And you and I have also dealt with other things that were previously unimaginable - and we dealt with it in some way, shape or form - and we're still standing). I am sure your SIL (?) will manage to find the strength to look after Mia's little cousin too.
Enjoy your cuddles with little niece and sniff and smell and squidge those little arms and legs and that soft snuggly bit between her neck and head.... you know exactly where I mean.
XX

[jmf294]

Sorry to hear about your niece- I hope she gets all the care she needs and everyone gets the support in looking after her.
Thinking of you all at Christmas time, and special Christmas prayers for your precious Mia and Finn xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Nearly Christmas, and cards from just a few people who remember Mia. I didn't expect many to do so, but the ones that do mean so much... A card with three angels on it, chosen by a little friend because the redhead is Mia, the blonde is the little friend, and the third is a mutual friend... Another friend who wrote this "in meeting Finn, it made me sad to realise again, but really realise, that I had never met Mia, except for in your belly. A big loss to me, especially given what a charmer her brother is." Just little things, and they mean so much.

[janey68]

I can understand that sentiment because I'm sure many of us feel that we 'know' Mia, through your words and her photos. Every time I see a little red headed person, Mia springs to mind, though I have to say I don't think I've ever seen quite such striking glorious red curls on any other child!

[Pidgy]

Merry Christmas to Mia and Finn.
Thinking of you both and hope Santa visits you. Xxx

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Thinking of your beautiful Mia. May your Christmas be gentle and filled with love. Biggest hugs. X

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

I think of you often, especially when the leaves were turning red :) and on the day Mia died (which I will always remember as it's a noteable day for us too). Your posts break my heart - I wish I could bring Mia back to you all - it's so unfair. I'm sending more love and strength to help you to walk this path you are on and find joy in Finn, DH and your lovely family and friends. Merry Christmas to all, especially little twinkling star Mia & all of our loved ones we wish were here with us, who should be here with us xxx

[trulymadlydeeply]

Lots of love to you all on what must be such a bittersweet day for you, Mia's. Thinking of you.

Xxx

[jmf294]

Happy Christmas to you all - thinking of you and your darling Mia and of all those parents who can't be with their children today xx

[LilyTheSavage]

Thought of you when I was taking flowers to my DS last night. We lit candles to burn around his grave all night and I thought of Mia too. Our bright sparks. Our angels.
Sending you love. xx

[wishingyouwell]

This is my first ever post on mumsnet. Oddly I started reading after becoming an Aunt this year. After reading your post I am helpless but to join and send you this message. Miasmummy I am so inspired by your love courage and dignity I cannot tell you. I read you have dedicated a wood to your beloved daughter Mia and I would love to make a donation albeit humble if there is an opportunity. Please could you post or send me the details.
Thank you in advance.

[trulymadlydeeply]

Happy New Year, Mia's. I hope you've had a lovely Christmas and that you go from strength to strength in 2014, building on all the work you have done in Mia's name.
Love to you all. Xxx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Hello everyone. Thank you for all your lovely thoughts of Mia, and I am very honoured to be part of your first MN post "wishingyouwell."

We enter another new year, and it is yet another, and another, when Mia is not with us. Yet I could not help compare this year to the one two years ago, with such fresh, painful, heart-rending grief I really didn't know what to do with myself. I really felt I was leaving Mia behind, while we all moved forward.

There is always the grief and sorrow, but I know Mia is tucked into my heart, and she comes with me wherever I go. Time and space mean nothing. And I am so, so thankful, that the knife-edge pain has receded. Or perhaps it hasn't. Maybe I just have learnt to live with it better.

Yet these days around the new year herald a nervous time. Mia was with us for 400 days. That milestone for Finn is nearly here. Finn is now 13 months today, and I am conscious that in a week's time, we will be entering a new stage of parenthood. It is an illogical fear, and I don't know if MrMia will notice the significance of the date. But I will know.

[meeliesmum]

Wishing you a peaceful week. It will be a little easier when it is over. Try to enjoy these moments with Finn. I hope Mia will send a message to help.

[janey68]

Echoing those thoughts for a peaceful week ahead. It must be a period of mixed emotions, setting out on uncharted waters of parenting as Finn grows up, but I hope you feel Mia very close, continuing to be a part of shaping your family. I don't think we really leave those who are precious to us behind. When we think of them every day, and love them for every minute of every day, that bond is part of who we are and how we live.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

So today, we are in those uncharted waters. One year, one month, one week and one day. Finn is now one day older than Mia. It does feel weird, but he is so much his own little person, that I can only be thankful that we are sharing this adventure with him.

And MrMia did remember.

janey, yes, Mia is such a part of our life. Finn often points to her photo and then smiles, and we always tell him it is his big sister Mia, and we love her very much. We have Mia stars, Mia cloud kisses, and Mia leaves ; Mia's blackbird sings to us ; and her friends tell us stories about her. We are planning our year's activities at Mia's Wood too. Finn reads her books and plays with her puzzle and toys. She is carried in our hearts and minds every second of every day.

Meelie I can't honestly say it was a peaceful week, as I heard from a friend that her lovely son has been diagnosed with a horrible disease, and she and her husband were doing 24-hour vigils by his bedside. I feel so sad for her, and yet admiring at the same time, because in the midst of her own anguish, she still asked to see a photo of Mia, and asked what I did to cope after she died. My heart hurt for her, having the courage to ask these questions, but hating that she was in a position where she needed such answers. She needed the truth. I told her that I cried a lot, how important Mia's Wood was to us, and how I wrote on here.

And without you all, I am quite sure I would not be where I am today.

[GranddadofMiaAlexandra]

As Finn, the younger child, becomes the older brother, he and Mia both carry our love, which is multiplied, not diminished, by sharing.

[Astralabe]

I imagine them passing at twin age.. High fiving somehow, as my older daughter dies to my younger son. Take it from me she would be / is bossing him about - you WILL do this Fin' etc'
Xxx

[trulymadlydeeply]

Lovely, wise words, GrandadofMiaAlexandra. A new adventure amidst a continuing story of love and devotion that will last for lifetimes.
Love to you all.
Xxx

[rach2713]

Hi mias mummy I have been reading your posts you have been writing and they have brought me to tears I have a 13 month old little girl and I have been looking ather and my heart has been hurting. You have so much strength and such powerful words. I know your little Angel is right by your side with her arms wrapped around you she is the wind on your face the brightest star in the sky x