Second marriage etiquette...AIBU??

[weariedfromweddings]

One of my friends got married 10 years or so ago. For that wedding all the normal costs (to me) were the usual; hen party/ wedding day accomodation/ gifts for the bride and groom. Of course, not a problem.

Fast forward to now (first marriage ended in divorce), and her second marriage is later this year. And it is all the same costs again. Which is fair enough, it is totally the couples call on how they want their wedding day. However this is the part that gets me. They have included a gift list with their invite.

Now on one hand, it is the grooms first wedding, so people on his side of course will want to buy them gifts. But for the brides side, this is the second time she is asking her guests for gifts. I am attending the wedding so will of course buy something from the gift list, it would be rude not to.

But I still think it is incredibly rude of my friend to ask for gifts from her side again. It is not the cost so much as the etiquette? I cannot figure out if IABU? But is bugging me, so decided to put it the mn jury.

Be blunt.

You are sounding a bit unpleasant, sorry if that is harsh.

I got married once, it didn't work out for reasons that only my close friends know.

I remarried almost 10 years later. Obviously some of my friends/family attended both weddings. I wouldn't have cared if friends didn't buy me a present. But I would have cared if they opted not to purely because they had already paid out first time round.

You do sound a bit judgmental. It is fairly standard to include a gift list, no worse to do it second time round than first imo.

Personally I hate gift lists anyway, I think they are one step up from begging. I think she should have put under gifts: Many of you bought me a gift first time around so I'm not having a gift list this time...

Is this one issue or two?

Is the main issue that they/she included a gift list and you think that part is rude?

Or is the main issue that you have already bought her a wedding present first time round and if it was her first wedding you would have been happy to receive a gift list?

Perhaps you could buy something just for her ffuture dh? After all he "missed out" on your generosity first time round!

Think in this day and age gift lists are a bit vulgar. All the recent weddings (all first time marriages) I've attended have requested 'your presence not presents'

If guests really feel they need to give a gift then they can get in touch and request suggestions.

Do you buy her a birthday present every year despite having bought her a present last year?

Sorry but I do think YABU.

I got married for the second time two years ago and we did have a wedding list. Though nothing on it was hideously expensive because actually we didnt need anything, having merged two houses because it was second-time around for both of us.

We had such things on it as a night's babysitting so it didn't cost anything as some of our friends are skint.

Its a wedding, a celebration and you are invited to share that.

Don't get bitter about the present and dwell on the previous marriage.

onepiece - not harsh at all. just honest and honesty is what I wanted. To answer your question, it was the fact that gifts were asked asked for again.

When I got married the first time we had a gift list. When I got married the second time (7 years later) we didn't have a gift list and expressly said to anyone who asked that we didn't want any. That said a few people did give gifts, we were rather surprised and most guest had been to either my first or dh's first weddings.

Possibly different because we'd both been married before, but I would have felt very grasping asking for gifts.

Reverse AIBU Reality?

A gift list is a suggestion of things people could get if they want to give you a present. It is not specifically a request for gifts. Because we would all (I assume) rather give a present that was wanted than have to guess.

YABU.

Firstly, perhaps her exDH ended up with the gifts from first time or she didn't want to use her first wedding china with her new DH.

belly- I think you can't expect her to refer to your first wedding in the invites to the second so "opting out" due to a previous wedding would draw attention to that.

Its been 10 years since her last wedding, she's hardly being greedy.

My DH is my 2nd DH, but I am his first wife. I could hardly say "due to the fact I got married 14 years ago, no need to get either of us gifts this time" Why should DH miss out?

Just be happy for your friend. You don't know why she had to split up from DH1. It might have been awful for her.

I'm in exactly this position now, getting married in August for second time but DP's first. We are asking for optional donations to charity (have included a list of the charities and what they do in the invitations). I think ALL wedding lists are optional, some people always buy a hidious lovely ornament type thing anyway.

It is entirely up to you whether you buy a gift or not. Is your friend really going to go down her guest list marking who gave and who did not? I doubt it.

So as you ate all the free food & booze ten years ago, I guess you'll be sitting the wedding breakfast out too?

My husbands first wife died 11 years before we got married.

It never crossed my mind to not have a gift list because he had been married before.

My PILs were very odd about our wedding though. They had paid for all their sons evening receptions and the drinks during the wedding breakfast. They never offered to pay anything towards our wedding...which was not a problem until MIL started showing me all her childrens wedding albums (including DHs first weding) and then pointed out the RECIEPTS she had kept showing exactly what she'd paid for

Not quite sure what my point is...I think I'm saying that it's a shame second marriages are seen as second best.

Anyway I think YABU, just buy them a toaster and be done with it

sorry that should read "refer to her first wedding" not "your first wedding".

Ignore the gift list if you like and buy her a lovely rose bush or something.

I am DH'ssecond wife. The first time around they had a huge glitzy and expensive wedding, because that was the first wife's style. For us, we had a very small wedding, with no gifts, because that is my style. (Not judging, just different approaches). Some people gave us plants and vases, which I loved. But, DH felt really guilty because we did not have the huge registry etc, he thought people would interpret it as me not meaning as much as the first wife, if you know what I mean? I have no idea how people interpreted it, did not care. My (badly made) point is, that it is the groom's first time... maybe your friend does not want there to be any suggestion that this marriage does not mean as much as the first one, or somehow is different from the first one. To say 'well I gave a gift the first time' means that you think the groom is irrelevant or interchangeable. I think I am not explaining myself well, but do you see what i am trying to say?

Is really interesting to get the different perspectives. Thank you all. To answer some questions;

Tomliboob - nope would feel the same.

Floopy - no, I will be attending the wedding and eating free food (not free booze). Although am not going near that can of worms as that has absolutely no bearing on this topic. . And am (per my OP) definitely getting them a gift. I have no intention of not buying them a gift. I was just coming on here to see if how I felt was narrow minded of me.

Accidental - I see your point about second weddings being seen as second best. A wedding is a celebration and should be seen as just that - and a new start for the couple.

I think you are maybe being a bit U to be honest. Her first wedding was 10 years ago, and I don't think gift lists are requests or expectations for gifts, more like suggestions for those who don't know what to get.

Buying a gift is part of a guest's recognition and celebration of the start of new couple's life together. Therefore for me it would be kind of irrelevant whether I had bought a gift for a previous wedding.

I buy a gift for Christenings of second, third and fourth children as well, it's really much the same thing - celebrating something new and wonderful for a friend.

D

anya - you have explained yourself very well.

rubyrubyruby - I put birthday presents in a different camp to wedding gifts.

Why do you buy a wedding gift?

Is it because someone is owed one wedding gift during their lifetime, so you fork out once and then you're done?

Or is it as an expression of goodwill and support towards the newlyweds?

Personally I'd go with the second. So, YABU.

(Mind you I think that gift lists should ALWAYS come with the caveat that presents are not expected.)

as a second wife, I would like to give my perspective.

when dh & I got married, we did have a list - only handed out if asked.

it was pretty clear that a lot of dh's friends had a similar attitude, which I still, to this day, cannot understand.

MOst of them did not bother with a present at all, presumably becaus ethey had "already" given dh a wedding present.

I do find this odd, and it did leave me feeling that, somehow, they did not see our wedding as "equal" to his frst wedding.

or maybe they weren't expecting htis one to last either and so thoght they wouldn't waste their money.

Seems bizarre to me. wedding presents are not really about what the couple need anymore (since many live together and hvae most household stuff, etc) but to me, they are, like birthday presents, about saying "congratulations, have a lovely day, all the best" etc.

why would anyone not want to say that?

Agree with minipie and nice reasoning .

D

Judging by some of the responses here wedding gifts are a 'payment' so you can attend the wedding and eat the free food.