Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Second marriage etiquette...AIBU??

82 replies

weariedfromweddings · 25/06/2010 09:35

One of my friends got married 10 years or so ago. For that wedding all the normal costs (to me) were the usual; hen party/ wedding day accomodation/ gifts for the bride and groom. Of course, not a problem.

Fast forward to now (first marriage ended in divorce), and her second marriage is later this year. And it is all the same costs again. Which is fair enough, it is totally the couples call on how they want their wedding day. However this is the part that gets me. They have included a gift list with their invite.

Now on one hand, it is the grooms first wedding, so people on his side of course will want to buy them gifts. But for the brides side, this is the second time she is asking her guests for gifts. I am attending the wedding so will of course buy something from the gift list, it would be rude not to.

But I still think it is incredibly rude of my friend to ask for gifts from her side again. It is not the cost so much as the etiquette? I cannot figure out if IABU? But is bugging me, so decided to put it the mn jury.

Be blunt.

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 25/06/2010 13:25

I am feeling a bit now.

When dh (my second husband, but I am his first wife) got married a few years ago we put gift lists in with the invitations. Not to be greedy, but because this is what all of our friends/family had done when they go t married. I can't recall ever having an invitation without a gift list in it tbh.

(I am aware that this is an issue that is hotly debated on here)

Anyway, I am now a bit worried that lots of our friends would have thought I was being very greedy asking for presents that I had already had first time round.

I honestly never intended that. Obviously I can't ask people now whether they thought I was being greedy or rude.

FabIsGettingFit · 25/06/2010 13:43

We have been invited to a wedding and they don't want presents but they would like money towards a new kitchen. I hate it. I much prefer present list so you can chose something.

anyabanya · 25/06/2010 14:10

[waves at foureleven.. hi, honorary members welcome! ]

Anniebee, I am utterly at your story. 250 per couple? That has to get some sort of prize for sheer greed and chutzpah surely. You are a more patient woman than me, i think I would not have been able to restrain myself from saying something.

Anniebee65 · 25/06/2010 14:27

Anyabanya, I don't know about patient, chicken maybe.

I think most people gave it. And then bitched about them relentlessly throughout the day.

She has amazing front though, always has had, and I guarantee she wasn't one bit afraid to ask for so much.

accidentalchickenkeeper · 25/06/2010 14:46

i know TennantsGirl I was

The fact that they didnt offer to contribute wasn't a problem but to sit there and go "we paid x amount towards DHs first wedding" was a real kick in the teeth. I could maybe understand it if they'd divorced but she died ffs!

I didn't want their money anyway, whenever we argue they always mention their will ... I just tell them to fuck off and leave it to the donkey sanctuary for all I care!

...And then I wonder why they don't like me!

ManicMother7777 · 25/06/2010 15:09

i don't think the first/second marriage aspect is relevant really but I find it shockingly rude, presumptuous, greedy and ill-mannered to put details of the list, or requests for cash, in with the invitation. By all means have a list, but wait to be asked for it. I think asking for cash at all, contributions to honeymoon/kitchen etc is a complete no-no. This is all a very unwelcome trend in modern life, and when there are some couples who already have everything, why don't they just say 'no presents' or give a charity as an option? Ugh!

SloanyPony · 25/06/2010 15:09

"If guests really feel they need to give a gift then they can get in touch and request suggestions"

This is really complicated though. You have to make a different suggestion to each person and make sure you dont double up, and when making a suggestion, that is just as "grabby" as a gift list in a way because you are suggesting a price range along with it, more often than not. So you say "toaster" and they think to themselves, "well, that's at least £30, cheeky cow, I was thinking more along the lines of a garlic press"...

You can't bloody win. Include a gift list with a wide range of different priced appropriate gifts and you are grabby, say "presence not presents" and you end up with 32 toasters and ask for cash and you are "treating your guests like a cash machine". Make individual suggestions and you are still "demanding", technically, even if they have initiated the gift giving.

Is it really that wrong to just have a gift list with a bunch of different priced stuff for people who feel that way inclined? It is by no way demanding unless you choose to see it that way - at no point does it say you have to present your receipt to gain entry to the reception, does it? Does it? Huh? Hmm? Huh?

NestaFiesta · 25/06/2010 15:14

Sloany Pony is right. Its a bloody minefield! We should get back to basics. A nice couple won't mind if you get nothing, esp if you have had to fork out for overnight accommodation and travel.
Nothing is compulsory, and if all else fails, a bottle of champagen always goes down well.

Anniebee65 · 25/06/2010 15:28

I know someone who asked for gift vouchers to a really nice store in my home town when she got married (first wedding, not that it matters). I thought that was inspired, everyone could give what they felt was reasonable then.

Of course we were all asking each other how much the going rate was, but that was our problem I guess.

cat64 · 25/06/2010 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

minipie · 25/06/2010 16:29

"By all means have a list, but wait to be asked for it."

Problem with this solution is that:

a) if no list is mentioned in the invite, the guest will probably assume there isn't one

b) the guest doesn't want to bother the bride & groom by asking them for the list

c) the bride & groom don't want to be bothered by potentially 100 phone calls/emails asking for the list.

I think there is absolutely no problem including list details in the invitation, as long as it's made clear that no gifts are expected.

OrientCalf · 25/06/2010 16:35

god anniebee you wonder whether they made a profit from that wedding

FreeButtonBee · 25/06/2010 16:44

I am struggling with the gift list thing at the moment. Getting married in Oct. Invites have gone out - no mention of gifts. I come from massive Irish mafia style family who insist on giving gifts and have started to hassle my parents already for options.

But we've been together 7 years, so have all the house stuff we really need. Also the wedding is in Ireland and we live in London so carting 7 toasters back would be a nightmare. What we would love is a small contribution towards buying a painting. That way we could buy something we love and have it as a permanent memento of our wedding day.

But my mum (who is the prime target of the requests as they stupidly insisted on sending the invites out in the old fashioned "giving your daughter away as a some type of chattel" way) is struggling to get this across without sounding like we're money-grabbing. It's really just for people who can't think of something to buy us themselves but as soon as you try to put it in words, it seems grasping. Pah - at least I am not having to deal with it in person!

minipie · 25/06/2010 16:52

FreeButton - I think most people, these days, don't mind being asked for money as long as it's going towards a specific item.

It would be better if you could find an art gallery which sells stuff you like and ask them if they can run a wedding list? That way people could ring up the art gallery and effectively put some money "behind the till" for you IYSWIM. It makes it less like asking for cash.

tyler80 · 25/06/2010 17:35

"If guests really feel they need to give a gift then they can get in touch and request suggestions"

I would expect that someone could then direct them to a wedding list, not that the bride/groom would have to give separate suggestions to every person who asked.

I think as soon as you include a wedding list, you're suggesting that one should be given, even if you put 'none are expected'. To me that seems like a cop out, "we want presents but we don't want to seem too grabby, so we'll say none expected but still go to the trouble of picking out a list"

troublewithtalk · 25/06/2010 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 25/06/2010 20:46

This seems to have come away from the thread about if its appropriate to ask for gifts at a second marriage (and thank f**k for that cause second weddings are the real deal rather than the practise run ) and gone in to whether a list is right or not in general.

I will be asking for a contribution towards the honeymoon as and when the time comes myself. DP would be on his 2nd, my first (and last hopefully!)

pranma · 25/06/2010 20:50

I have been married 3 times-I never had a gift list[no mention of gifts on invitations]
Most people did give someting I think but I couldnt tell you who did and who didnt.We sent thank you cards to those with labels.Do what you want-your friend will be too happy to notice imho.

5DollarShake · 25/06/2010 21:06

Am also totally of the school of thought that lists should not be mentioned / included in the invitation.

If people then ask about it, they don't have to be given individual suggestions... They just have to be directed to the list, surely?

All very simple.

And if some people assume there is no list - so what? You miss out of a few presents - hardly the end of the world.

diplodoris · 25/06/2010 21:26

Completely agree. I think it is impolite to include a gift list with an invitation.

"If guests really feel they need to give a gift then they can get in touch and request suggestions"

MsHighwater · 25/06/2010 21:50

Well, tbh, it never occurred to me that I was being impolite (still less rude, presumptous, greedy & ill-mannered) by including gift list details with the invites to my wedding (my first, dh's 2nd). Based on my experience, it seemed likely to me that people would want to give gifts and, since we both had had households already, our reasoning was that it was better to give suggestions of things that we would use rather than leave them in the dark. It also never occurred to me to crosscheck the guest list with the gifts purchased to make sure that everyone gave a gift - I still don't know, nor do I care - or to check how much anyone spent.

If I had left my guests to ask if for a gift list or for suggestions, I would have felt uncomfortable. I did not want to discuss with people what gift they were going to give us. I wanted them to feel free to choose whether or not to give a gift and to choose what gift to give.

I also see nothing wrong with asking for money, as long as it's done in the right way. Stipulating an exact amount of money, though; I can't think of a single possible justification for that. I certainly would not have gone to that wedding (or given a gift at all) and I hope that I would have rapidly reconsidered the friendship (if friend it was).

auntpolly · 25/06/2010 21:57

YANBU. Gift lists are practical and I don't find them rude. However, if I was getting married for the second time I would definitely not include one in the invite. Wedding guests spend enough on hotels, outfits etc. The fact that they came to 2 of my weddings would be enough for me!

muminthemiddle · 25/06/2010 22:50

I agree with diplodoris.

Tis the height of bad manners to include a gift list even before you know whether the guests can attend.
Re the second marriage issue, mmm again it wouldn't upset me to buy a gift BUT I would like to offer to buy a gift, rather than be expected to buy iyswim.

MsHighwater · 26/06/2010 01:18

auntpolly, dh was getting married for the 2nd time but I wasn't. Should I have only sent gift lists details to the people on my side of the guest list?

muminthemiddle, having a gift list doesn't have to mean expecting people to buy a gift (in the sense of wanting them to, rather than in the sense of believing that they probably will, iyswim) and it doesn't not mean that the act of buying a gift is anything other than entirely voluntary. I don't for a moment believe that what dh and I did was "the height of bad manners".

Perhaps it depends on the kind of friends and family a person has. We've never had a whisper from anyone who was at (or who couldn't come to) our wedding that they felt insulted.

MsHighwater · 26/06/2010 01:19

"it doesn't mean that the act of buying a gift is anything other than entirely voluntary"

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread