Second marriage etiquette...AIBU??

[weariedfromweddings]

One of my friends got married 10 years or so ago. For that wedding all the normal costs (to me) were the usual; hen party/ wedding day accomodation/ gifts for the bride and groom. Of course, not a problem.

Fast forward to now (first marriage ended in divorce), and her second marriage is later this year. And it is all the same costs again. Which is fair enough, it is totally the couples call on how they want their wedding day. However this is the part that gets me. They have included a gift list with their invite.

Now on one hand, it is the grooms first wedding, so people on his side of course will want to buy them gifts. But for the brides side, this is the second time she is asking her guests for gifts. I am attending the wedding so will of course buy something from the gift list, it would be rude not to.

But I still think it is incredibly rude of my friend to ask for gifts from her side again. It is not the cost so much as the etiquette? I cannot figure out if IABU? But is bugging me, so decided to put it the mn jury.

Be blunt.

This is something else that has popped up to make me sad about being the second wife (not that im married yet but we will be one day, she says, hoping)

I do hope that all our family and friends on both sides look at it as a first wedding and not begrudge buying a gift. Not that Id care if they didnt get us a gift... but not for that reason.

It was 10 years ago... not like it was year or so... or shes on her 5th wedding.

silverfrog, i have sometimes thought that I would like to start a thread of gripes of second wives, because I so hear you! (Don;t ge me started on the friends of DH and 1st DW who refuse to even acknowledge me... despite me not being the OW!).

mini hijack over, wearied, sorry.

I dont like getting a wedding list without having asked for it first. Dont care whether this is first or forty first marriage.

On the whole when people marry when young the gifts are to help them set up home for the first time. Hence the traditional toasters and towels. Once the bride and groom are older they should have managed to deal with all of these things for themselves. Therefore if bride and groom are older I think that it is a bit rude to send out a gift list. They should be tending towards the presence not presents line.

Of course this is just an opinion and this is the first time I have expressed it in public as I normally just bite my lip!

foureleven -exactly. it was dh's second wedding, but it was also the start of our future - a new beginning for us.

anya - oh, I'm with you all the way - dh's family don't even accept me as I am the second wife, let alone half his friends (and I wasn't the OW either!)

Once again thank you to all the replies.

I can see that the overwhelming response is IABU.

Btw - didnt meant to open a can of worms over second wives. Anya & Silver - thank you for a perspective I hadn't even considered. And foureleven - I wouldnt be too sad, it is clear from this thread that people who have thoughts along the same lines as myself are very much in the minority.

Its not nice sometimes is it silverfrog. Lucky for me though DPs family hate his ex so arent hostile to me.

oh, we get by, foureleven - dh's family are all mad as a box of frogs, so probably a blessign really

weariedfrom weddings - you're welcome. I wasn't sure howto phrase it so that it didn't sound as htough I was footstamping over not getting presents.

I couldn't give a stuff about that - it was just quite clear when we were writing the thankyou letters that 90% of the gifts had come form my friends/family, and that 90% of dh's friends/family hadn't bothered. seemed more thana coincidence, and so I assumed it was due to the second wedding thing.

[nod nod wink speaks from corner of mouth] anyone want to come over to 'chat' for a thread about 2nd wives?

(feeling shy)

floopy - is that why you should buy a gift? Because you are eating food at the table of someone who wants you to attend?

Do people only invite to receive gifts?

I fling money in a card then they can buy whatever they choose...I think a gift/token should always be provided unless your friend is a serial marrier or something

Not at all. I was using it as an example to highlight a point. Please don't take it out of context. The second wedding should be regarded in the same light as the first, presents & all.

Out of interest though, do you take a bottle of wine/bunch of flowers or something round to peoples' houses when going for dinner? Just got myself thinking now about the whole giving/receiving thing...off to muse.

Ha ha, be grateful it's just a gift list. We recently got invited to a second marriage (for both of them). In the corner of the invite was written:

"€250 per couple. No Coast dresses please"

Nice.

Yes I always do but that's a smaller and more intimate affair.

Perhaps you should just take a bottle of wine to the wedding op!

Annie

really!

-OF COURSE you should buy them a gift! it's their wedding!

• it doesn't matter what the gift is, just try to buy them something they'd like and you can afford. it doesn't have to be from the list.

I don't understand all the objections to gift lists. They are a suggestion NOT an order but mostly they are GREEN.

In our highly commercial world where most of our homes are already overstuffed with crap, god forbid you get married and everyone gives you a whole new bunch of stuff you neither want or need to stuff into your home.

Gift lists are CONSIDERATE and GREEN - if you want to buy a gift at least the couple have taken the time & effort to let you know what they want or need - better for them & better for the planet, and if I was the guest better for me too (at least I'd be very easily pointed in the right direction). If you know the couple really really well you might be happy to buy something off the list, as you know enough about them to do that.

SILVER how strange for you. So you DH's mates were happy to celebrate the wedding with you (at your expense no doubt), but too cheap to buy a gift, which would be for YOU and DH!

LOL at bottle of wine. Could you imagine?

Annie - . Did / are you going? Ans what is wrong with coast? I love coast!

Anniebee - you're joking, aren't you?

How is providing a wedding list more green than asking for no gifts/donations to charity?

YABU and a bit snidey. If a friend invites me to something, be it a wedding or just a pizza at their house, I take something along - it isn't dependent on the circumstances or how much I might have spent on them in the past.

I personally like gift lists. I would much rather buy something that I know the couple actually want, and I have never seen a list where there wasn't a wide range of prices. I also don't think that receiving a gift list is the same as a demand for a present. I don't think everyone at our wedding bought us a gift - although I couldn't say who didn't because it really didn't matter to me. I'd like to think that it wasn't based on it being my second marriage though.

Anniebee really?

apart from the cheek, how would you police that?

anyabanya Id love to join you.. but not actually married yet. Can I be an honourary member?

Yeah I went, and gave €250 like an eejit. The reason for the no Coast dresses dictat was the bridesmaids were in Coast.

One of my friend asked her why she asked for cash instead of gifts and she said "Well we have everything" With no sense of irony either might I add.

They spent a fortune on the do and wanted some money back obviously.

Not on topic, but AccidentalChickenKeeper - I am totally at your MIL keeping all the receipts for her sons' wedding expenses in the albums!! Frankly, if I were you, that would have made me glad she'd refused to pay towards my wedding. She sounds as though she knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

OP - I think the idea of giving them something like a rose bush is a nice one - as silverfrog says, it says congratulations and so on.