Second marriage etiquette...AIBU??

[weariedfromweddings]

One of my friends got married 10 years or so ago. For that wedding all the normal costs (to me) were the usual; hen party/ wedding day accomodation/ gifts for the bride and groom. Of course, not a problem.

Fast forward to now (first marriage ended in divorce), and her second marriage is later this year. And it is all the same costs again. Which is fair enough, it is totally the couples call on how they want their wedding day. However this is the part that gets me. They have included a gift list with their invite.

Now on one hand, it is the grooms first wedding, so people on his side of course will want to buy them gifts. But for the brides side, this is the second time she is asking her guests for gifts. I am attending the wedding so will of course buy something from the gift list, it would be rude not to.

But I still think it is incredibly rude of my friend to ask for gifts from her side again. It is not the cost so much as the etiquette? I cannot figure out if IABU? But is bugging me, so decided to put it the mn jury.

Be blunt.

Why have a list at all second time around already have a house?

I think an attached gift list to wedding invitation is poor manners. If people want to give you a gift they will. Some will ask, then fair game to give them ideas. But the way this bride is going about it sounds very transactional. YANBU but it doesn't matter whether it's a first or third wedding regarding the gift list.

Hi OP as others have said it is a bit of a minefield - lists not lists, first wedding / second wedding. When we got married 20+ years ago parents were aghast at us sending out a list and we were heavily criticised for it - and then when my younger siblings got married my parents advised them to send a list "as it was such a good idea"! I have no real advice but just wanted to say how this thread has been really quite friendly (for such a divisive topic!) and you have been incredibly kind and gracious in all your replies.

I got married for the second time and one of our aims was that It cost people the bare minimum to attend. We expressly said no gifts and had a meal at a local country pub which we paid for.

To us, the important thing was having a very small group of people who we loved there to celebrate with us. We have a house full of stuff and didn't need anything so saw gifts as an unnecessary expense for people.

It was exactly what we wanted and for me, much better than the first one where it was managed by my parents and relatives who I thought were dead were invited.

Hopefully the bride and groom are happy and enjoying married life - about to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary! Not sure how such an old thread was resurrected but here we all are!

If your friend has a baby - you buy a gift to celebrate baby Sarah’s birth.

if they have a 2nd baby - you buy a gift to celebrate the arrival of little Harry.

no one I know would say - I bought a gift for your first baby so I’m not getting anything for your second - it’s a one time offer…

Surely you celebrate the event in front of you????? Whether you did / didn’t buy a gift for the first wedding is irrelevant.

that marriage is over - it didn’t work out.

she has invited you to her 2nd wedding - convention dictates you buy a gift and card to celebrate. Most people do a wish list to avoid 29 toasters . Yes some people see them as grabby - but ultimately they are practical - but there is no law that says you can’t go off list and buy something else.. or give money / vouchers

If you love and care about your friend - go to her wedding - buy a new frock for yourself share in her day and buy her a gift.

if you don’t care for your friend - decline the invitation.

Seeing as this thread is 15 years old I’m fairly certain the OP has worked out whether or not to buy a gift or not by now.