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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not help my friend...

85 replies

OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 16:50

My friend's son has dance rehearsal this weekend.
But she has a driving lesson so can't go. She asked me a few days ago if I would mind taking him, and I said it's too early and I'n not feeling too well. Have a cold coming on, and period all at the same time! (This is the truth, I'm feeling lousy.)
Yesterday she said she has asked another friend to help but the other friend told her to cancel her driving lesson. She was outraged that her friend would suggest that. (I kind of agree with the friend). Now to prove to her friend that she has other people who can help her, she has asked me to take her son. I have a really bad cold. My son is 3 years old and its 3 hours of hanging about and a lot of hassle for me as it starts at 9am! I've been before to help out because she wanted moral support, but this time I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to go, but now feel guilty and feel sorry for her ds. Also, her dh will be in bed and is in the house but she doesn't want to ask him. (???!!!)

AIBU to think she should cancel her lesson (or get her dh to take ds) rather than ask friend to go quite a bit out of their way to take her son?

OP posts:
2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 22/01/2010 16:52

Tell her to cancel her driving lesson.
She is pretty selfish if she demands this of other people. And it is really sad that she does not want to be there for her son.

Lulumama · 22/01/2010 16:52

YANBU

if it is that important then her DH should take him, rather than you hanging aroudn for 3 hours with a toddler. why can't she rearrang her her lesson?

you said no, she asked someone else, who said no, so she's asked you again?!?

why can't her DH get out of bed?

MummyDoIt · 22/01/2010 16:52

YANBU. Unless it's an actual test and not just a lesson, it's no big thing to cancel it or rearrange it. I wouldn't ask friends to put themselves out for something so trivial.

Amandoh · 22/01/2010 16:55

You are definitely not being unreasonable in not putting yourself out for her this time.

Just be blunt and say "I'm sorry but I'm just not feeling up to it."

Asking you is not her only option. As suggested by her other friend she could postpone her driving lesson or as you say, she could ask her husband to take him along.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 16:59

She explained that because of the snow and everything, she has not had a lesson for a while and is looking forward to lesson. Beacuse of my runny nose and foggy head I couldn't really get into it. I think the biggest thing is that she would like to show the other friend that she has me. She wants to see her face when I take her son. :-( I said I don't mind helping, but I don't really care about the other woman and what she thinks. Main thing is her ds needs to get to the rehearsal.

I don't know why I feel like my cold is not a good enough excuse. I feel like lying and saying something bigger.

OP posts:
muggglewump · 22/01/2010 17:03

YANBU.

She is being bloody weird by trying to use you to get back at other friend.

I'd tell her to do one.

Lulumama · 22/01/2010 17:05

she sounds a bit of a user really.

she needs to get her priorities in order

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 22/01/2010 17:08

She was looking forward to her driving lesson?

Why is your cold less important than her friggin driving lesson?

dont be a doormat. tell her to cancel her lesson, she needs to get her priorities straight.

Her child is most likely looking forward to her being at the rehearsal?
You are doing HIM a favour by refusing to pander to this silly bints needs.

diddl · 22/01/2010 17:09

Well if she hasn´t had a lesson for a while, one more week won´t hurt will it?

Is neither parent interested in this poor boy?

The father would rather stay in bed & the mother would rather a driving lesson?

MrsVidic · 22/01/2010 17:09

tell her you are feeling awful and don't want to give it to her ds. Suggest she asks her dh

MorrisZapp · 22/01/2010 17:10

YANBU and I have no time whatsoever for women who want their friends to help them while their DPs sit on the sofa.

My friend was always saying things like 'Is your DP any good at fixing cars?' or 'What I really need is for a man to come round and fix this' in a mega-hinting way, but she had a DP of her own who she just didn't want to bother with requests for help.

I love my friend but why the feck should I or my DP go round and do her household tasks when her own DP can't be arsed?

Sorry to hijack. No, YANBU.

drloves8 · 22/01/2010 17:13

YANBU .

mazzystartled · 22/01/2010 17:24

she has got two good options for getting her son to his rehearsal

  1. ask her dh (why will he be in bed?)
or, if he is working silly hours and actually it is a bit unreasonable ask him
  1. postpone her driving lesson till later on or another day.

i'm sure if she needed you to take her to A&E or something you'd get over your cold, but she is being unreasonable to even ask you IMO (3 hours waiting with a 3 year old in tow?!)

trefusis · 22/01/2010 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 22/01/2010 17:30

Dont tell me she has a husband who wont do "childcare" at the weekend.

alicet · 22/01/2010 17:36

You were not being unreasonable when I presumed she was a single mum (or had a dp who was working / away) at the start of the OP

YA def NBU when it transpires her dh is in bed. Of course he may have been working night shifts and need his sleep but she can either cancel the lesson or ask him to take their ds

Not unreasonable of her to ask you once but to ask you repeatedly when you have said no is well out of order. And actually this is not a small favour - to babysit her ds for 3 hours at the weekend - so even if you didn't have a cold you would not BU to just say no because you had other plans / wanted to have quality time with your family / whatever.

If you give in then she will just presume that all she has to do to get a favour is badger you to death and you will give in. hold firm and tell her no!

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 18:02

thank you ladies. I was thinking that I've become a selfish unhelpful moo. I think maybe she does not understand re-arranging driving lesson would have been the best thing for her. She doesn't work all week so could have it any time, e.g. while her ds is at school?

I'm usually a doormat for friends. New year. New me. I'm saying No more often. Just wish I didn't feel guilty.

OP posts:
maristella · 22/01/2010 18:04

yanbu!! i absolutely wouldn't sacrifice a lazy first lie in of the week, even more so if i felt ill, even more so if it meant waiting around for 3 hours!
she is trying to guilt trip you into this.
this is a situation which can be solved within her family.
i like mrsvidic's idea
enjoy a nice calm saturday, and i hope you feel better soon

LisaD1 · 22/01/2010 18:05

I would say no and not feel one ounce of guilt! Your friend is taking the piss! It's her son, her responsibility, well her's and her sleeping DH (what is that all about?!)

If she had a genuine emergency then of course any friend would help out if they could but tbh they would have to be a good friend for me to want to give up my lie in and 3 hours of my Saturday morning!

Say no, enjoy your lie in and let her sort her self out.

crankytwanky · 22/01/2010 18:07

Say no, you're ill and so is your DC. (A wee fib to soften the blow, not that you should have to.)

Just be firm and say, laughing "Your DH will have to take his own son 'cause we're sick and don't want to be hanging arround."

YANBU

paisleyleaf · 22/01/2010 18:08

yanbu
Don't do it.

Littlefish · 22/01/2010 18:08

Please tell me about her dh. Does he work nights or something?

Bloody hell- I've just read that she could have her lesson during the week. She definitely needs to either cancel her lesson, or get her dh to cover the rehearsal.

Do not, under any circumstances agree to take her ds!

skidoodle · 22/01/2010 18:09

YANBU

Get a new friend. She sounds horrendous.

Flightattendant · 22/01/2010 18:13

Is she having an affair with the driving instructor?

Coldhands · 22/01/2010 19:34

YANBU. Tell her to fuck off ask her DH.

She is taking the piss. Her driving lesson is not more important. Why should you hang around, for 3 hours, whilst feeling ill, with a 3 year old for someone, who quite frankly, sounds like an arse. There is no reason why her DH can't get up. Don't you dare go , lay on your sofa with a nice blanket and DVDs.