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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not help my friend...

85 replies

OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 16:50

My friend's son has dance rehearsal this weekend.
But she has a driving lesson so can't go. She asked me a few days ago if I would mind taking him, and I said it's too early and I'n not feeling too well. Have a cold coming on, and period all at the same time! (This is the truth, I'm feeling lousy.)
Yesterday she said she has asked another friend to help but the other friend told her to cancel her driving lesson. She was outraged that her friend would suggest that. (I kind of agree with the friend). Now to prove to her friend that she has other people who can help her, she has asked me to take her son. I have a really bad cold. My son is 3 years old and its 3 hours of hanging about and a lot of hassle for me as it starts at 9am! I've been before to help out because she wanted moral support, but this time I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to go, but now feel guilty and feel sorry for her ds. Also, her dh will be in bed and is in the house but she doesn't want to ask him. (???!!!)

AIBU to think she should cancel her lesson (or get her dh to take ds) rather than ask friend to go quite a bit out of their way to take her son?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2010 19:34

she is a user

dump her

and sort out how you need to learn how to say no

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 22/01/2010 19:35

YANBU but if you have already said no why has she asked again?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 22/01/2010 19:38

the usual solution in this situation would be for her dh to take him. Why on earth is he in bed? Bizarre. I would ask her why he isn't taking him. And refuse.

verytellytubby · 22/01/2010 19:39

She sounds like a user and selfish.

YANBU.

LoveBeingAMummy · 22/01/2010 19:44

Instead of trying to prove a point to her friend by using other frieds she should be concentrating on her dh and why he can't be arsed to get out of bed and take his ds/dss.

Do not take him.

differentID · 22/01/2010 19:44

she can either cancel her lesson or get her dh to doit. if she was completely n her own with no other support I would think about it, but nope, I wouldn't do it.

LoveBeingAMummy · 22/01/2010 19:44

Its not your problem.

Coldhands · 22/01/2010 19:46

Damn, strike out didn't work. I agree with Fab, why did she ask again? Tell her you said no the first time and the reason hasn't changed.

hatesponge · 22/01/2010 19:48

I was going to say whilst YANBU in not wanting to help when you are already feeling ill, I could understand the friends reasoning if she worked all week so could only have Sat lessons (& some instructors only offer these am), plus also an unhelpful DP...then I read that she doesnt work so am much less sympathetic to the friend now.

just to add there are a lot of men who wouldnt bother to give their wife/child a lift in these situations, whether or not she had asked for one & irrespective of whether there were any alternatives - I know this because I was with one for 8 years. I would ask for a lift to whereever, whether for me or the DCs benefit - mostly he would agree, but not always, and if he refused (which would often be for the most arbitrary reasons) I had to fall back on friends/public transport. Or not go.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 20:16

Her dh is working nights. But not that late that he can't get up for a one off rehearsal thing.

I feel bad that you all think she is a bad friend. I think she is more trying to prove that she can do it all?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twolittlemonkeys · 22/01/2010 20:32

Ridiculous IMO. She should sort out her schedule. If other families can make sure commitments don't clash why can't she? She's being very unreasonable, however YANBU in the slightest by saying no. She sounds like a bit of a crap friend if she thinks her driving lesson is more important than the fact you're feeling ill.

LoveMyGirls · 22/01/2010 20:36

I wouldn't do it. YANBU.

NorbertDentressangle · 22/01/2010 20:39

If this dance rehearsal is that important then she should cancel her driving lesson or her lazy-arsed DH should get out of bed and take him.

YANBU

vanimal · 22/01/2010 20:40

YANBU. Cheeky bint and lazy bugger of a DP.

ArizonaBarker · 22/01/2010 20:44

But she isn't "doing it all" is she, OP?

She's trying to get you to do it.

Bigpants1 · 22/01/2010 20:57

Sorry to hijack thread, but, ms hatesponge and others in same position, WHY would you put up with such a situation? A dh/dp that wont offer lifts for his supposedly loved ones?? Are these men also not doing child-care at weekends cos theyve worked all week?! Grrrrrr.
YANBU OP, look after yourself-you have nothing to feel guilty about.

MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 21:21

update: I've just spoken to my friend to tell her I'm still not feeling well and to make other plans. But she has decided to cancel the rehearsal and show. She made me feel a bit lightweight really, that she has runny nose also but is too busy to be ill. Hmmmnnn... I haven't been ill for a very long time-years I think! I feel like I'm at work trying to take a sicky.

hatesponge, I agree. Her dh is like this and doesn't really care if his son goes to dance or not. He didn't go to the last show either. Because she is my friend, I support that she has taken it upon herself to take him to dance classes and is trying her best, without her dh's help. I don't advise her to do it without her dh, but he just doesn't seem to be interested and finds it all a bit naff I guess. So I've always gone with her for moral support.

So I'm not going tomorrow. Hoooray. I'm off to have another lemsip and then an early night. xx Thanks everyone for your help.

OP posts:
leavingonajetplane · 22/01/2010 21:26

Your friend is prioritising her wants above her sons. She is prioritising her wants over what you need to do (take care of yourself). And she is prioritising point-scoring at another of her friends over you and her son.

I would take a long hard look at your relationship with her to be honest, as the attitude she is displaying towards other people would not suggest she is someone you would want to trust - a fairly essential component of friendship.

She sounds like someone who likes to feel supported and helped by other people (and her relationship with her DH may have something to do with that) but the more you let yourself be the one to fulfil those needs of hers, the more she will expect from you.

I would consider steering clear

MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 22/01/2010 21:39

This whole thing is bizarre.

And you're friends with her because....?

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 21:49

clam, why is this all bizarre?

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 22/01/2010 21:55

She cancelled her son going to the rehearsal - I find that bizzare!

If her ds is at school she could have her driving lesson at any time whilst he is at school surely.

Very odd for her to arrange it weekend when she must know it might clash with other things

I agree it sounds like she is trying to use you and score points against her other 'friend'

I feel sorry for her son who might be gutted at missing his rehearsal

And her dh should get out of bed!

Coldhands · 22/01/2010 22:37

What a shame for her DS!! Missing his rehersal etc because she won't change a driving lesson, or his dad won't take him and shows no interest in it! Its the poor child I feel really sorry for. He seems to be an afterthought.

OP, hope you feel better. How dare you "find the time to be ill" .

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