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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not help my friend...

85 replies

OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 16:50

My friend's son has dance rehearsal this weekend.
But she has a driving lesson so can't go. She asked me a few days ago if I would mind taking him, and I said it's too early and I'n not feeling too well. Have a cold coming on, and period all at the same time! (This is the truth, I'm feeling lousy.)
Yesterday she said she has asked another friend to help but the other friend told her to cancel her driving lesson. She was outraged that her friend would suggest that. (I kind of agree with the friend). Now to prove to her friend that she has other people who can help her, she has asked me to take her son. I have a really bad cold. My son is 3 years old and its 3 hours of hanging about and a lot of hassle for me as it starts at 9am! I've been before to help out because she wanted moral support, but this time I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to go, but now feel guilty and feel sorry for her ds. Also, her dh will be in bed and is in the house but she doesn't want to ask him. (???!!!)

AIBU to think she should cancel her lesson (or get her dh to take ds) rather than ask friend to go quite a bit out of their way to take her son?

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 23:16

Yes, I feel sorry for her ds in this situation. He will be missing out on the show next week. (Again, I feel guilty) I don't know what's got into her with these driving lessons, maybe she feels it's time to concentrate on herself, or a car would be more useful in the long term? She is usually a good mum - and a good friend. We go running together, and my ds and her ds are really close. But I think because she is new in town, has no friends or family, she is relying on me a bit too much. I also have just discovered this new point scoring side against friends and find this quite

I explained at the last dance show that she should widen her network of friends, (because I was doing quite a lot of running around again, and she hadn't made any freinds with the dance pupil's mums). And also, I'm not that good at mornings or else I'd be putting my ds through dance myself. I don't mind helping, but when it becomes demanding, and especially to score points it's soo draining.
But you ladies think she is a bit of a user?
This has made me look at her in a different light.

OP posts:

StrawberriesandCherries · 22/01/2010 23:31

I dont think she is a bit of a user

She is a HUGE user

What does she put into this friendship?

fonduechinoise · 22/01/2010 23:35

Don't do it; suggest she cancels her lesson or get his husband out of bed (???!!!)
I have been there; and believe me when i asked for a little help (easy and stress free compared to when I helped her out) my so called friend did not return the favour.
Don't feel embarrassed
LOL at the affair!

Original poster

OprahWinfrey · 22/01/2010 23:59

Hi Strawberries - What does she put into the friendship? I do really enjoy her company (a lot). She's usually a positive, upbeat type of person. Also, my ds and her ds play together (which is such a huge relief as they are both so active). They both immediatley hit it off despite the age gap. We met at the mummy playgroup so she is a new ish friend. We've sort of helped eachother out during the baby years so become quite close. I babysit her ds a bit to give her a break. I have family and my dh is self employed so I don't need her to babysit my ds. It is quite unbalanced as I'm usually helping her, but I don't need her to help me as I have my own family around to help. My ds goes round to my mums when I need some Me time. But maybe I need to say no more often to her? I sort of enjoy babysitting her ds. He's so cute and a wonderful little boy. And I've become his 'Oprah' aunty! I just wish she would put on the brakes sometimes and not set herself with so many tasks in one day. Iykwim. Is that a user?

OP posts:

Original poster

OprahWinfrey · 23/01/2010 00:00

lol@ madamedeathstare

OP posts:

fonduechinoise · 23/01/2010 00:10

looks like a one way relationship to me but maybe she never offered because she knows you have support?
how about you ask her for a favour to see what the outcome is.
Looks also as if she spreads herself too thin perhaps?

am off to bed now; i am one hour ahead!
you feeling better? night night!

NotAPollyanna · 23/01/2010 00:33

I am just a bit astonished that she has cancelled her son's lesson meaning he will miss his show for a driving lesson? It seems horrifically selfish and I do understand how important having driving lessons are as a late learner myself (now passed hurrah). I laughed at Flight's comment that she may be having an affair with driving instructer but it is seriously strange to make her little boy miss a show for a lesson.

Feel better and enjoy your lie in. I hope your friends feels guilty.

WingedVictory · 23/01/2010 08:33

Good morning, all.

With regard to the driving lesson, may I just throw in that many driving instructors are part-time, and if so, are quite likely to only be able to work at the weekends.

I agree that cancelling her son's rehearsal - and the performance - for a driving lesson seems extreme. However, if she is stretching this way and that, with a "D"H who won't help, perhaps it's just not surprising that she has just lost the plot completely. Her fixation on the "solution" of your helping her (ignoring refusals and very good reasons) sounds like the narrowed focus of someone who is not really thinking clearly. Perhaps she needs to think out her decisions a bit more calmly, perhaps talk them out with you. She certainly needs to sort things out with her husband!

Hope you are enjoying your sleep-in and recuperation, OprahWinfrey.

fonduechinoise · 23/01/2010 08:53

morning all
so Oprah.... what have you chosen to do?
Yep WV, i agree with you... poor little chap
hope you are feeling better Oprah

Flightattendant · 23/01/2010 09:44

I don't think anything she has told you rings true.

I think the point scoring thing is frankly weird and she has got into a lying situation and made that up for your benefit, as an excuse. She wants this 'driving lesson' but can;t mention it to her DH because he is likely to find out it is a crock of sh*t. It isn't a driving lesson, she is going somewhere to see someone illicitly IMO and wants cover.

I can't think of any other rational explanation, and this sounds so so suspicious.

Just my thoughts

Flightattendant · 23/01/2010 09:46

Coldhands · 23/01/2010 10:54

Ohhh FA You have made me think now. I tend to believe what people say (I am a bit guillable) but yes, it does seem very suspicious.

MadamDeathstare · 23/01/2010 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberriesandCherries · 23/01/2010 15:18

Well I suppose if you are happy with the arrangement and your son's are friends then at least you are getting something out of it Oprah, you sound a very good friend.
I think it is a good thing so say NO once in a while as you have done, as it makes people appreciate it more when you can help them, rather than presuming.

Hope you feel better today

StealthPolarBear · 23/01/2010 15:33

otoh if she is doing something illicit, presumably she is now doing it with a 3yp in tow? does he go on her lessons?

Original poster

OprahWinfrey · 23/01/2010 18:22

FA
Sorry for late reply all. My mum's come round to stay for the weekend I didn't go to the rehearsal and haven't called my friend today. I feel so awful about this all - about her ds who will be missing the show. I mean....was that a last desperate attempt to make me take him by threatening to cancel the rehearsal and show unless I can go?

I'm still all bunged up and can't think that clearly but you lot have helped. I agree FlightAttendant, a lot of this does not ring true, as you are saying. WV She does sound like she has lost the plot a little.

I don't think I can just dump her you see. It's not that black and white. This is a strange manipulating side I've just started seeing, I wonder if I talked to her when I'm feeling better it might help her?

OP posts:

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:26

put your child first

say no

upandrunning · 23/01/2010 18:27

sorry

too late

Flightattendant · 23/01/2010 18:31

Stealth I was assuming she could leave ds with her DH iyswim...rather than dh having to get out of bed to take him somewhere...and still pretend she was going out for some important reason? DH might have put his foot down about getting up and dressed but OK to stay in house with ds.

I am still wondering what the issue is with her DH or did I miss that somewhere in the thread, i mean why it is he can't go to this rehearsal?

fonduechinoise · 23/01/2010 18:39

I am starting to think life FA too...
what must have been that important that "it" was chosen over her son
Speedy recovery OW

joben · 23/01/2010 18:43

I can sympathise with your (misplaced) feelings of guilt as I have often (in the past) been made to feel guilty by the selfish actions of others. But you shouldn't help your friend because you feel guilty but because you want to and if by doing so you are not compromising your own health! Otherwise you will become extremely resentful later on. I suspect your friend is taking advantage of your feelings of guilt (why did she not ask the other friend more than once?-probably becasue she knows it's not worth it. The other friend would still say no. Her children are her and her DP's responsibilty, you are responsible for your own child. If it's any help, when faced with similar situations, I often ask myself, what would I do in the same situation, so would you expect your friend to to this for you? I suspect not. I'm sorry to say it but I think she is manipulating your good nature!

Original poster

OprahWinfrey · 23/01/2010 18:58

her dh is not interested in the dance for his ds. and works late at restaurant. he has never gone to the rehearsals.

OP posts:

Flightattendant · 23/01/2010 19:07

Ah Ok.
That sounds plausible,

BUT it also sounds as though there could be major reasons why she might be seeing someone else.

Driving lessons a v good excuse on one hand

I dunno...it does sound very odd though.

Original poster

OprahWinfrey · 23/01/2010 20:14

I know that if I wasn't ill I would have had to have gone. Even though I wouldn't have wanted to.
I mean, I don't mind helping with babysitting and stuff, but I think the rehearsal needed her to be there, because there's a lot of clothes changing, lots of bags, hanging around waiting and cuddling and motivating, that only a mother (or father) can do. I have found her actions a little selfish in this whole situation. Why she has not cancelled her lesson and cancelled the whole show instead baffles me. Was it out of anger or lack of help from everyone (including her dh- I mean I don't know if she's asked him, she didn't say.) She was so proud of her ds at the last show and he's a wonderful dancer.

FA it's very odd to me too. I don't think she is having an affair though. Her dh is quite gorgeous and they are very much in love. They haven't been married long.

joben: I always seem to become a doormat for people. I'm working on it. The NO thing is a bit tricky because I do things sometimes thinking about e.g. her ds and that she's too much of a div to cancel her lesson but poor ds shouldn't miss out because his mums's a div. But then I just help her become a bigger div don't I?

OP posts:

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