Lying husband

[ratcatchernot]

My husband (of over ten years) and I share our finances. We have equal amount of spends for personal use. I’ve now found out he has been receiving an additional allowance from another role which he has hidden from me. Alongside that he’s been lying about his whereabouts to cover these earnings. It isn’t a great deal of money but it’s the deceit that concerns me. AIBU to think this means the trust has completely gone and I should walk away.?

Do you know what it was spent on? Because if it was to buy your christmas gift, id be more forgiving than if it was beer float

I can't believe the number of replies saying it doesn't matter! The man's systematically lied to her for a whole year. How the hell does that not matter?

OP, it's very worrying that your husband apparently has so little respect for you, and that he's been living rent-free in your house for ten years. I'm sorry.

Glad you're going to get advice. Keep your tinder dry until you know where you stand

Have you legally protected the house you bought before you married? If not then it's 50% his by now. He should be paying towards the mortgage.

Thank you. So many replies seemed to think I was being unreasonable. Your response is appreciated. X

Unfortunately not. There hadn’t been a mortgage for him to contribute towards it’s was paid outright before we met and he contributed nothing.

Definitely not on me. More likely the beer 😂

That's often what I think reading these threads! People make their relationship sound so transactional and come across as obsessed with keeping score. Maybe that isn't how they actually live, but they often make it sound like they are forever on spreadsheets and abacuses, jealously measuring every penny and moment of free time. With my first husband, we measured out money like that, but it didn't lead to greater mutual trust and respect, it was a sign that those things were absent. It's important to understand each other's financial values and priorities, and ideally share them, or at least respect and not feel threatened by them, but that's not the same thing.

OP, you are probably best off talking to your husband, maybe with some skilled therapist involved, about money, what it represents to each of you, why he's so keen to hang onto £40 a week without you knowing, and why, when you are keen to retain sole control of your much more valuable asset, this £40 a week bothers you so much. And you would be sensible to hammer out an agreement about the division of assets in the event of a divorce, because you might find your house and pensions are marital assets, no matter who worked for them and when.

It is also mad that the money he has earned during the ten years of living mortgage free has not been going towards his own mortgage somewhere, because in the event the OP ever wanted to split, making her spouse homeless should not be an additional burden on her.

So you want HIM to have it both ways instead? He’s benefiting from OP’s past hard work and financial planning to the tune of probably £500-1000 a month their entire relationship already. So he’s been able to save a huge amount more money over that time, which he might otherwise not have done. But then he gets half of the house. And you want him to additionally benefit from happening to earn more now when the OP has in the past?

Anyway the OP has repeatedly emphasised it’s the deceit that has upset her not the money. I’d feel the same way. You had an agreement and he airily broke it and lied to you. I’m not sure divorce would be the initial option for me but I’d certainly be asking what else he’s been lying about and being very clear it was last chance saloon.

Has he said why he lied?

So for the sake of a couple of grand you’d leave, and risk losing half your home ?

It’s not automatically a 50/50 split. OP owns the house outright with no mortgage. Property bought or owned individually before the marriage starts is classed as non matrimonial property.

In England and Wales the courts apply the ‘Needs’ principle and their priority is meeting the housing and financial needs of both parties—especially if there are dependent children involved. Unless joint funds were used for the house purchase or major renovations, the stumbling block for OP will likely be the length of the marriage. In a long marriage where the house becomes the family home, a court is more likely to award a share to the spouse if it is necessary to make sure they are adequately rehoused on divorce.

And the fact that he lied about where he was while earning the extra ?

Thank you

Thank you that is my understanding also. I am hoping that with all my husbands other assets and me giving him a substantial payment that I will be able to keep the house I bought.

Not for a couple of grand but for a multitude of lies then yes. Rather have to sell the house than live with a compulsive liar I’m thinking.

Hasn’t really said why he lied. Just that he had been foolish and apologised.

Then make sure you protect your assets as much as possible. The courts in England and Wales use a ‘Needs First’ system so it’s not automatically a fifty fifty split. If the house was yours entirely before you were married then it’s not automatically considered matrimonial property. The main things that will affect it are the contributions (financial and non financial) he’s made to the household, any contributions towards major renovations, and the length of the marriage.

The court will make the split based on each partners’ ability to rehouse themselves and any children, and the length of the marriage will be looked at here because if it’s been absorbed into a long marriage as the sole matrimonial home, then they are more likely to award your husband a proportion of it to rehouse himself. Obviously other things like income and savings are considered but a house is a major asset and if the court deems it needs to be sold to facilitate both parties adequately rehousing themselves then it really doesn’t matter who owns it.

Thank you that is re-assuring. I appreciate your response.

So true . Marriage doesn't mean being joined at the hip. It doesn't mean having no personal pocket money. Thefe is always leeway in financial thinking. Women often squrrel a little away towards an emervency fund. They don't tell their partners.
I assume he didn't tell her because he is a coward who hates contrintation. Not a seasoned liar. Surely marriage doesn't mean you cannot retain a certain amount of privacy.

You’re very naive if you think you could keep the house without him challenging you for 50% in the case of a divorce. How long has he been earning his undeclared extra cash?

Then I think its reasonable to raging.

Theres a difference between a good secret and a bad one. I would have said over reaction if it was for a gift for you or a romantic or family experience.

But hes taking advantage of your generosity to financially benefit him. Which alone is a bit shit, added to all the lying to explain his time away. To me this would be minimally counselling or him looking for somewhere else to stay until he proves hes not a liar

Thank you

He worked hard for this money, now his DP wants half. This isn't from his normal salary