Lying husband

[ratcatchernot]

My husband (of over ten years) and I share our finances. We have equal amount of spends for personal use. I’ve now found out he has been receiving an additional allowance from another role which he has hidden from me. Alongside that he’s been lying about his whereabouts to cover these earnings. It isn’t a great deal of money but it’s the deceit that concerns me. AIBU to think this means the trust has completely gone and I should walk away.?

As far as I am aware the house is now both of yours I’m afraid. Do you have kids before the marriage that you wanted it to pass to?

as for the rest why did he say he was embarrassed? The lying would be my problem, I do not have lies going on in my life.

My partners salary is known to me and a set amount goes into our joint account for all of the bills and the mortgage is paid. In the past I was the sole earner, then the higher earner, then lower earner and now can’t work due to my health. So all swings and roundabouts over a couple of decades.

He gets overtime and bonuses occasionally which is his free to spend as he pleases. But there’s definitely no sneaking around or lying.

How did you find out?

If your agreement was all earnings go into one pot and you take an equal allowance each, then yes this is bad and would kill the trust for me. I don't think it's the only reasonable financial set up to have and one that let either of you keep "extra" earning might be fine too, but since it's the one you had he's clearly been duplicitous. And if you have DC together and you were doing the childcare while he did the extra work then him keeping that money for himself is particularly egregious and even an agreement that he could wouldn't be that reasonable.

All savings will be marital assets.
Including your house.
Should you ever get an inheritance, keep it solely in your name.
He is not honest.
I wouldn't be impressed.

Yes that was the agreement and at times I’ve been bringing in more. There’s no child care involved. Thanks for your reply

I wouldn’t divorce over this, no. I would take the breakdown in communication very seriously and insist on marriage counselling.

So what's the problem? It's been established that anything he earns on the side is his to keep. Why are you so vexed?

For me, it wouldn’t be the amount that matters but the deceit. Why hasn’t he told you and if he can lie about this, what else might he lie about?

For some people, it’s the thrill of lying, not the amounts involved.

Divorce is much more expensive than £2k a year. But perhaps you should split your finances completely and only pay into a joint account for bills?

We have an agreement that any income goes into a joint account. When extra has been earned it’s been discussed and a decision made together which has always been for small amounts that it can be kept by the individual. On this occasion and for more than twelve months, no discussion was had and lies were told about his whereabouts to hide these earnings. It isn’t about the amount of money it’s about the deceit.

Exactly this!

I’m totally against the joint account and all money in one pot thing. Adults should have their own bank accounts and be allowed to keep their own money. All bills money should go into a joint account but what’s left should be for each person to keep in their respective accounts.

He’s done the extra hard work and earned that money so why do you assume half of it is yours? Yet you worked hard to buy your house and by the sounds of it you don’t believe he is entitled to half of it…. (which btw legally he almost definitely would be)

You’re missing the point. OP says that extra money has been discussed in the past and she’s always taken the view that small amounts like this should be kept by the person who earned them. The point here is that he lied about his whereabouts to cover up for the fact that he was earning extra, and didn’t let on about the money. That’s the problem. It’s deceit.

I suppose because when I did the extra hard work he expected to get half of my money! It was an agreement made as the best way for both of us to manage the finances and I kept the agreement. I don’t want to share half my house as I worked extra hard for thirty years to buy it before I knew him.

You need to understand how the property would be divided if you divorced before taking any decisions over undeclared income.

No wonder he didn't tell you. He worked extra, of course it's his money. This sounds controlling and touching on financial abuse.

Wow

This is a fair point but he had lied about it, that, for me, would be the sticking point.

My DH is being paid for a side gig he has just done and I’ve told him to blow it (not a huge amount) on something he wants. The point is, he told me about it and didn’t try to hide it.

Well it means you get to keep the equivalent for yourself really now, doesn't it?

Oh behave!

Of course its bitter since your profile suggests a very unpleasant bitter taste. Are you for real

From an outside perspective it seems he is not 100% onboard with the money in one pot thing but what you’ve said sounds reasonable and maybe he only became hesitant about it when he became the higher earner as he was no longer reaping the benefits from the situation 🤷‍♀️ that said, I’d feel massively uncomfortable not being allowed to keep my own money in my own account and it might be cynical but if anything happened like one person cheating and things turned nasty it would add to the mess trying to divide up the money out of a joint account.

I’m with you on the not splitting the house btw totally agree you worked for that, it should be yours, but unfortunately unless you did a prenup I think if it came to a divorce he’d be automatically entitled to half

But he also lied about where he was — not just once but consistently, for a whole year. I’d be mightily annoyed if my DH did that.

Do you work equal hours in your main jobs?

I.e if you both work 40 hours and put all income from those hours into a joint account, then he works an extra 3 hours a week on top, I think it's fair he keeps the extra money as he is giving up free time for it.

But if he is working 35 and you 40, then it should all go in joint until he's contributed 40 and can keep anything over that.

That way you both contribute the same work hours into the joint pot even if the money amounts differ, and you both have the same amount of free time.

If one chooses to swap free time for extra money I do think they should be allowed to keep it.

How did this additional work impact you? Do you have children and were left doing bath and bedtimes on your own? Caring for his relatives or animals? Missing out on events? If so the money should go into the pot imho.