Lying husband

[ratcatchernot]

My husband (of over ten years) and I share our finances. We have equal amount of spends for personal use. I’ve now found out he has been receiving an additional allowance from another role which he has hidden from me. Alongside that he’s been lying about his whereabouts to cover these earnings. It isn’t a great deal of money but it’s the deceit that concerns me. AIBU to think this means the trust has completely gone and I should walk away.?

It’s not as straight forward as just hours worked though. One might have a significantly more stressful job but slightly less hours. One might have a long commute, the other working from home.

Thank you. Just to add the joint accounts are just for bills. Any left over after bills is divided equally and paid into our separate accounts and an account for holidays. So complete autonomy over our own personal accounts.

But that is what he's done this time. He's kept the extra few quid from his side job. It's an extra £40 a week, literally pocket money, so I doubt he's got a thrill from not mentioning it to you.

That's so sneaky. Being able to work extra hours without you knowing menas thats he's also been lying about his whereabouts.
The money is insignificant to me. Its the deceit whether he openly lied or omitted to tell you, to me it would be the same.
To lie to your husband or wife is unforgivable. The trust from then on, for me, would be gone.
My ex used to tell so many small lies, some insignificant, usually because he knew I wouldn't agree with what he'd done rather than face me being annoyed. In the end I couldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. He destroyed my trust and ultimately the relationship.

No impact on me whatsoever other than realising my husband is a lying toad 😂

This is how I feel. I am sorry it happened to you. X

Just out of curiosity what did he spend the extra money on? You mentioned bikes? Did he buy bike crap with it? Has that been a point of contention in your relationship before?

I only ask because I have a friend whose partner was into cycling and used to get ridiculously priced cycling equipment on finance and lie to her about it. He had a £3000 bike stored at his parents for example which she had no idea about. Men tend to lie about things that they think might spark an argument because they want to avoid conflict without realising that the lie will inevitably cause even more conflict 🙄

Which is why I also mentioned equal free time, you can factor things like that in.

A fair partnership to me is when both people have roughly the same access to free time that they can spend as they wish as well as roughly equal access to disposable income. Commute time isn't proper free time. Neither is decompression time from a stressful job. But I'd expect things to be evened out. E.g one person has an hour commute and the other works from home, the one at home does an hours chores and all chores above that are split 50/50.

Life isn't simple and getting a fair split will look a bit different in every relationship, but free time and money should be balanced between each half. Anything else will lead to resentment.

No the bike was a joke. Someone asked if it was enough money to buy an expensive car and I said maybe a bike!! No idea what he spent it on though. No enough to buy much I suppose

Why should one adult take on an hour of extra chores because their partner has chosen to work a job with a long commute though?

Maybe he sells feet pics on OnlyFans?

Because you love each other want want to see each other have a full happy life where you both have access to the same amount of free time and disposable income?

Starting to think most married people on here hate their spouse tbh.

YANBU unless he was being deceitful for a good reason eg saving up to surprise you with a holiday etc

I don’t care how much money he made but if he’s lying about where he’s going then that is unforgivable.

As a husband, I'd expect to be divorced pulling this sh1t.

I share finances and truth, I don't see the point in a lifelong acting job and the deceit that would entail.

I can’t imagine expecting a partner to do more of my share of the domestic load because I chose a job that has a longer commute than them. That seems completely disrespectful of a partner’s time to think they need to pick up the slack of my choices. Anyone who thinks their partner should pick up more work at home based on the commute they chose is the one who clearly doesn’t respect their spouse!

I am my title

Hi @ratcatchernot

I completely understand why you are upset over your DH lying about his whereabouts whilst earning this extra money, as well as keeping that money separate.

However, the greater problem is that you didn't get a prenup regarding your ownership of your house.

I would be getting something drawn up immediately by a solicitor and get your DH to sign it, agreeing that he has no claim whatsoever to your house.

If he's feeling guilty about the extra money issue, and wants to stay married, he might just sign it.

But that's obviously not your agreement in full as you've now said that other extra income has been kept. Are you perhaps just looking for a way out of the marriage?

In a functional partnership the job should have been discussed and have approval of both parties beforehand with a mutual decision that the downside of the commute is worth the extra benefits the household gains such as increased income.

If you want your partner to give up more free time and still let you have the full benefit of their extra earnings then its you being unfair.

Back to my previous "Starting to think most married people on here hate their spouse tbh" statement.

I don't think there's much functional about this situation. The OP has apparently only just realised that 'her' house is actually 'their' house. I can't imagine she hasn't been lording that over him for a decade.

Yes I regret doing a prenup. When you marry you don’t think you’ll need it until it’s too late. I will get advice on where I stand though. Thank you.

I’d begrudge putting an occasional bonus £100 that I’d worked for in to a shared pot. I’d want it to treat myself or loved ones.

No big deal. Not a massive amount. But a bit sneaky. Maybe he felt as if he told you about it,you would insist on it going in joint account. I believe in trust but there are times when people like a bit of independence. Otherwise smothering.
But if huge amount then a different scenario. This is pocket money.

You’d end a marriage over that? Or you already want to end it and just need a reason?

We are forever advising women who don't won their marital homes, or just in general, to squirrel away and escape fund but when a bloke hides a couple K we kick off. Frankly, I'd tell him not to do it again and walk it off.