Lying husband

[ratcatchernot]

My husband (of over ten years) and I share our finances. We have equal amount of spends for personal use. I’ve now found out he has been receiving an additional allowance from another role which he has hidden from me. Alongside that he’s been lying about his whereabouts to cover these earnings. It isn’t a great deal of money but it’s the deceit that concerns me. AIBU to think this means the trust has completely gone and I should walk away.?

Are you saying he lives in your house free of charge then keeps money back for himself? It’s a good deal for him if its true.

Either ALL earnings go into joint account, or you have separate finances. He’s been sneaky.

I am upset about the deceit. I am really hoping that is not the case with the house as it would be very unfair if it was.

You're married and you both live in the marital home. Why on earth do you think it wouldn't become an asset of the marriage?!

Yep I know 😩

Not really fair if he put more than you into the joint account but has no claim on the house you can’t have it both ways, i think he should keep his extra money. Its not right that he’s lied but If you want it that the house is solely yours then he should just pay for half the bills food etc and a token amount towards the rent, maintenance, improvements should be up to you.

So he pays more into the joint account but his contribution doesn’t cover the mortgage? How does that work? Why is he paying more if you feel you own the property alone?

That’s what I feel. Glad to hear you agree

I couldn’t get excited about £2k…. But if you really don’t have any separate fund of your own you really need to sort that out. You need a “fuck off fund” for self protection.

There’s no mortgage. The house was bought by me before I met him. He pays more because at the moment his income is more.

You do realise house became a joint asset when you married. You need to get some legal advise ASAP

I think it more telling that he didnt feel he could tell you - what communcation actually like in your relationship. Would you have insisted that the money go into the joint account or would you have listened when he said he wnted to keep bit overtime he earns

Are you serious?
He absolutely will get half that house after 10 years.
What has his money been spent on if he doesn't contribute to where he lives?
You cannot be that naive about marital assets?

Why does he not pay to live with you?

How can all finances be joint if you are paying some bills/mortgage independently?

I personally prefer spitting bills in accordance with salary and having similar fun money each.

His way is very deceitful even if you don't need your half of the 2k.

He has had side jobs before and I’ve always said to keep it himself. No reason why that wouldn’t have been the case this time. I think he must get a thrill from the deceit.

It’s pretty ridiculous to have him paying more than you for the bills in your home.

You can’t have it both ways, you want him to share every penny with you while you’re making him pay more for the bills in the house you think you can keep to yourself.

It almost certainly would be considered a marital asset if you divorced.

Once a property is lived in together as the family home, it can lose its ring-fenced status - especially over a long marriage of ten years. Maintaining the household, supporting the family, or contributing to day-to-day life are legally valued alongside direct financial contributions.

In a divorce settlement, the court's primary concern is meeting the housing and financial needs of both parties and any children, which can override who originally bought the house. So the court could award your husband a share of the property's value, or order a sale/transfer, to ensure both parties can rehouse, even if it is in your sole name.

So it’s wrong that he pays for half the food, half the heating costs, half the water bills etc when he’s living there?

To be honest OP that’s not a lot of money and maybe your sense of FairPlay is why he didn’t tell you , especially if he pays a lot more in than yourself - I would be more concerned with why he didn’t feel comfortable enough to mention it and hid it

What bothers me most about this isn't the amount, it's the deceit and the fact he gladly let you continue paying all of your earnings in while keeping his own spending money for himself. Very selfish and shows he doesn't respect you enough to even tell you that he wants a bit of something for himself, or suggest you do the same and keep a bit of yours for you.

It ultimately seems he doesn't want a joint- finance relationship. If that's the case and that is what you want, then yes I'd leave. All of this would just leave a very bitter taste in my mouth.

If you live in the UK and divorce the house will absolutely be considered a marital asset. Not paying into the house doesnt mean he won't be entitled to a share of it upon divorce.

You need legal advice before you do anything else. Don't tell him. Just do it quietly.

Im bring this up because you are paying for all the housing costs which he is benefitting from and he may also get part of your house on divorce.

Thank you. I should also say we both have our own separate savings -he has about double what I have. It’s the dishonesty that makes me wonder what else he is lying about.

I'd assume the house would be considered both of yours after this many years of sharing it as a home. I think I'd point out that he's benefitted from living mortgage-free thanks to you, which makes it feel very petty of him to hide this extra money.

The deceit is a tough one... It would certainly change the way I looked at him and how much I trusted him, but I probably wouldn't jump to a divorce over this, personally.

But he doesn’t pay half if you have already stated he contributes more than you.

House is a marital asset if you've been married and living in it together for 10 years - sorry OP. This is what marriage is - a legal joining of assets.

I'm not surprised you're pissed off tbh - he's been sneaky, keeping a little bit extra for himself on the sly.

I'm not sure really. I think I'd need to know how many hours you both work. If it's essentially that he works full time and already pays more than you, then it's essentially saying no matter how much extra work he does he can never enjoy that money and half of it always has to be yours.
I don't agree with the lying especially to the degree of hiding what he's been doing that would concern me most. And considering you've told him before he doesn't need to share extra money he's got no justification for doing that. It would make me wonder what else he lies about.