To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

I'm with you OP. It's the cheeky fuckery of it all. Why the hell isn't your mum and her partner paying for them? No way in hell my mum would expect me to pay for one of my siblings. She'd pay for everyone rather than risk it being called off and she would never in a million years expect me to cook xmas dinner for everyone, especially when that's not what had been planned or offered.
I get that its Christmas and all but for them to expect you to pay the lot is out of order. Are you the oldest by any chance? And do your family have form for taking the absolute piss?
Or you could say yes we'll pay for them as long as they pay for us when its your turn to host.

And she’s hoping that everyone will offer to pay for her.
Then you’ll be paying for her every year.

She’s had plenty of notice tbh.
She can join you later if she can’t go.

There is no way I’d be cooking, paying for her or changing my plans.

£140 per adult is eyewateringly expensive! I'm surprised any of your family said yes to that!

Damn right. Way to ruin the meal before it’s even December, Ma!

Completely out of order on their part.

So last year when they 'hosted' you went out for lunch and all paid your way.

This year I guess you're expected to foot the bill for all the food as you're no longer going out.

Thanks but no thanks.

Is your mum's partner your half sisters dad? If so they need to step in and pay for it and she can pay them back.

The bloody cheek of it.

Tell them you don't plan on cooking, so if they want a home cooked dinner they are welcome to bring it all and cook it, but you'll be having no part in it because that's why you always choose to eat out...

Someone else has to miss xmas dinner with their family. It shouldn't be cheap.

It doesn't matter what it costs - the point is her half sister knew the plan and the cost and agreed to the arrangement.

She can't expect for everyone to change an agreed meal out and change everyone's Christmas plans because she has now decided she can't afford it.

The OP said, she doesn't see the half sister every Christmas sometimes she goes elsewhere. I suggest she goes elsewhere again this year rather than expect lots of other people to accommodate her preference to do something different to what they have planned.

If OP's mum wants her there she can pay. To expect OP to fund her is cheeky fuckery.

OP just tell everyone it's all booked and deposits paid so there can be no change of plan. Stick to your lovely meal out.

Maybe they’re just chancers.

Hosting Christmas dinner is a massive expense so what your mother and sister are saying is, she can't afford to pay for a meal out so you have to fork out for the meal (plus doing all the other stuff that is involved). Hold firm on this one, whatever your mother says.

Have you pointed that out?
The entitlement is almost unbelievable.

Hosting/cooking a big dinner is my idea of hell. I would genuinely, by far, rather spend the day on my own than have to do that. I'll contribute if someone else wants to do it of course, but I would never expect it and am more than happy to say we'd all just meet up for a carvery on the closest Sunday, or maybe have a curry (which I've done a few times), or do a big buffet table.

Cook beans on toast. And you & your sister can go out properly on Boxing Day 😄

Honestly i couldnt imagine excluding family on Christmas over money
i would ask how much they can afford and then either chip in the rest or find a restaurant closer to their budget. Christmas is about being together, not wear you eat.

As someone who had hosted Christmas dinner at home before do not assume it wouldnbe cheaper for you than paying a slightly bigger share at a restaurant

Hi op Christmas equals family and drama. Could you not suggest anyone who doesn’t want to pay to eat out arrive Boxing Day. Explain it’s not your idea of a relaxing Christmas doing a meal for everyone and that’s why you prefer to eat out, you can’t be expected to pay for your half sister and her family so she has to miss out and if your mum sides with her next year go back to just your immediate family and tell them this year that going forward you will do your own thing. Like you say you are already paying out for them to eat and drink when they stay with you so no put your foot down.

Definitely.
I am reeling at DM insisting that it’s on OP to pay for that whole family’s meals at the restaurant because this year she (OP) is hosting them ALL at her home.
I hope to God Ma is not a High Court judge.

Cheeky fuck!!! If she agrees with your sis SHE can pay!

They're taking the piss. Either cancel, or offer a passive aggressive compromise - like offering to cook whatever they bring or saying that it's going to be difficult to cater for everyone given you only had a budget of X, which was the cost of your family's spaces at the restaurant, therefore it will be very basic i.e. a ready meal and Xmas pud, no booze, nuts, chocolates etc.

What and waste even more money on one meal?

The time to find a restaurant closer to the budget has long gone. There's no way you will be able to book a table for 15 people for Christmas day now

I agree, I was replying to a poster who said a Christmas dinner at home can be as expensive as OP’s restaurant meal.

@TeaCupTinsel
This happened to a friend of mine when her MIL said she didn't agree/like the restaurant chosen
So phoned and cancelled saying she'd now done so on her sons behalf
To this day my friend has never spoken to her MIL as she ended up being stuck in the kitchen with no true help and constant carping about the food served
Whilst DH hates how he got dragged into it all and is rather cool towards his mum
Who in turn blames DIL
When she should've left well alone

The price of laziness. Just because it's Christmas day dosent mean you have to eat. an Xmas meal either.
Brainwashing over the years again.

Huh? Is the meal supposed to be in a certain type of environment? The plan here was for the whole gang to have a luscious, labour-free celebration, enjoying each other’s company.
What Christmas ‘point’ is that missing, bar the traditional requirement for one person to be sweating buckets in the kitchen for hours?

If your sister can’t afford it then maybe this year she should have Christmas at her house, just her and her family - sometimes it’s nice to do that. Maybe she and her family can join everyone on Boxing Day?

If you can’t afford it, you can’t go but it doesn’t mean everyone else should miss out.

Be welcoming to half sister.
Speak to her privately and offer to pay half of their family's meals.
Advise your mother and ask her if she, also, wishes to contribute to the cash that you will hand over to DHS before the meal.

Giving DHS cash is less abstract; it might help her save cash ready for next year and it shows her that a magical invisible Christmas fairy is not paying for her meal.