To be pissed off with DS’s school (long post sorry!)

[TryingNotToMakeItWorse]

I’m really pissed off with DS’s school and not sure if I’m being unreasonable or whether I need to calm down before I make things worse for him.

DS is 12 and in year 7. He has dyslexia and quite significant problems with his working memory which were picked up during an assessment last year. He’s always struggled with school and remembering instructions, getting written work done etc. He’s not a child who never does anything wrong and I know he can talk when he shouldnt but there’s a bit more to it than that.

On Friday he came home and told me he’d spent the whole day in isolation. I had absolutely no idea this was happening and was quite shocked as I thought something serious must have happened for him to be put in there all day. Apparently it was because he’d had 3 detentions in a day.

I’d had a message from school about a detention so rang them on Friday morning to ask what it was for as I assumed it was for being late earlier in the week. He’d had an orthodontist appointment and I’d completely forgotten to let the school know beforehand, so I accept that was my fault. I dropped him off late with a note explaining why and when I rang the school they agreed to cancel that detention. The message I’d received only mentioned one detention so I had no idea there were another 2 involved as well.

The other 2 were apparently for talking in 2 different lessons. DS says he was telling other pupils to stop talking to him and that he got the detention for talking back, although obviously I wasnt there so I can only go on what he’s told me. I know he’s not always an angel in class but I do think there’s a difference between deliberately disrupting a lesson and getting into trouble when he’s already struggling to manage what’s going on around him.

What has really annoyed me is finding out he was put in isolation without anyone contacting me, particularly when one of the detentions had actually been cancelled. The school say the decision had already been made based on the number he’d received and the Head of Year apparently wasnt aware that the other detention had been cancelled when she made the decision.

I rang again this morning and asked to speak to the Head of Year. She told me DS has one of the highest numbers of detentions in the year, which was news to me. Apparently I should have been called in for a meeting about this before now but nobody has contacted me about it. I knew he’d had some detentions for not doing homework and was dealing with that at home, but I wasnt aware it had got to this point.

The reason I’m particularly upset is that school know about his difficulties. He was assessed last year after years of struggling and the report explains the problems he has with memory and processing instructions. His primary school were very quick to label him naughty and lazy and it took a long time to get anyone to look properly at why he was struggling. I was determined that secondary school would be different so I contacted the SENCO before he even started there.

I had a meeting with the SENCO early in the term and we discussed putting him into a smaller teaching group for some lessons because he was finding the work difficult. They also said he’d attend a supported homework club after school as he was refusing to do some of the homework because he didnt understand it. I was happy with both of these things and thought they were being put in place.

DS has since told me he isnt in the smaller group and hasnt been going to the homework club either. I emailed the SENCO last week to ask when this was starting and only got a reply today saying the smaller group wouldnt be available until later in the term. Nobody had told me this before and I’d been under the impression that the extra support was being sorted.

When I raised this with the Head of Year she said the school has expectations about behaviour and DS still has to follow the rules. I agree with that! I’m not saying he should be allowed to do whatever he wants because he has dyslexia. But I dont understand how they’re making decisions about his behaviour without seeming to consider the difficulties we’ve already discussed with them, or why I’ve had to chase up support that was supposed to be happening.

The conversation got quite defensive and I felt like she was trying to make it all about his number of detentions rather than answer my questions about the isolation and the support. I asked to speak to the deputy head and have now got a meeting arranged for tomorrow.

I’m worried I’ve made an enemy of the Head of Year now and that DS will end up getting watched even more closely because I’ve complained. At the same time I’m really cross that he’s been punished like this and I’m only finding out afterwards, when the school have known for weeks that he needs some extra help.

I dont want to be the parent who blames the school for everything and I do expect him to behave himself, but I also dont want him going through the same thing he did at primary school where he was constantly in trouble and his confidence got worse and worse.

Am I being unreasonable to be this angry about it? And what would you actually raise with the deputy head tomorrow? I want to get somewhere with the school rather than just have an argument, but at the moment I feel like I’m going round in circles.

I would be asking why they are punishing rather than supporting your son and what will now change.

Agreed, talking, homework issues, that sounds like a talk as opposed to a whole day in isolation especially with the issues he has.

You need to request an urgent meeting to discuss appropriate support for SEN plus the school's behaviour concerns.

I'd escalate to Deputy Head for Pastoral and ask for urgent review + meeting.

-Detentions for talking in class are reasonable. He needs to learn not to do this however much he dislikes or struggles with the work. The excuse that "they were talking to me first" is a favourite of my 7 year old's and doesn't wash at secondary school.
-Detentions for not doing homework - I have more sympathy for this although he should at least be making an attempt so that teachers can assess where he is struggling. This should lead to better support/evidence of his needs. Are you monitoring his homework at all? Is he making any attempt? Could you make a note on the homework that you have tried together but he can't do it?
-Isolation without you being aware - ime this is standard practice when it's just a day, although less acceptable considering his SEN needs.
-General communication from the school, and attempts to meet his learning needs - this where it sounds like the school should do better. You should ask for notifications when he receives detentions and input from SENCO about how they intend to meet his needs going forward.

Jesus, what a palaver. Isolation for a day isn't that big of a deal. DS and his friends had a few in year 7. Let it go.

This is one of the reasons I left teaching. Parents won’t allow their kids to take any accountability you’re basically teaching your son he can do anything and mummy will step in

It’s not just the isolation though. theyve told me they were putting support in place for him and it hasnt happened, but he’s still getting punished for struggling with things they already know he finds difficult. Then nobody tells me that it’s got to the point where they think he needs a meeting.

Primary school was hard enough for him and I really dont want him going through the same thing all over again. I’m not saying he shouldnt have consequences for his behaviour but surely they need to actually do what they said they were going to do as well?

I would be asking your son why he isn’t telling you when he has a detention. You are asking for communication from the school, but at this age I think that the expectation is for your son to communicate with you.
Does your school use apps? My DC’s school has all of the homework and merits/demerits on a app that I can access, so I can check that they are doing everything that is expected of them, and how they are behaving. I also would expect them to tell me straight away if they had been sanctioned at school for talking/misbehaving or not handling in work.
I think that you are correct to have a meeting with school, but I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing. Maybe ask them how you can work together to improve the situation.

He's not getting punished for struggling though. He's punished for disrupting the class. You have to keep things apart. Your son needs to respect rules and behave. School needs to support his educational needs as per Senco.

There are TWO issues that both need attention - behaviour and appropriate SEN support.

In that case I would stop conflating the issues. Stop complaining about the isolation which seems due to talking in class rather than struggling with anything, accept it, move on and focus on the support that he needs. But he needs to step up too and actually attend the homework club. It's difficult to argue that school aren't doing enough if he isn't using what they are currently providing.

Hi OP, there are quite a few things going on here.
I was a teacher for three decades and sendco until I retired this year.
Your son needs to follow the normal behaviour rules, all rules apply to all students. Can you imagine how damaging it would be for your son to be told he doesnt need to follow normal rules as he has send?
The head of year doesnt hate you and nothing you do can make teachers pick on your son. If you are really extreme in your behaviour, even if you are banned from the school site, the staff won't take it out on him.
Don't escalate to the deputy head, that just drags another person into it who doesnt understand the problem.
Engage with the sendco and try to find out who runs the homework club, whoever they are try to get their contact details and communicate with them and tell your son to go there and make sure he does. Stay in constant communication with whoever runs that club.
Reward your son for going to the homework club.
Find out who is in charge of detentions get them to communicate with you when he gets one, email is better than a phone call for that person who will be insanely busy.
Find out from dyslexia charities some strategies to help him, maybe audio books maybe coloured filters on white pages.
Help him see life as fundamentally lawless and unfair but help him find things he enjoys in the chaos like Football or swimming or drama club.
Lastly secondary schools are terrible at communication, set your expectations low but keep persevering there will be someone who will work with you.
Good luck.

But he is getting punished for struggling. The child has got a detention for not doing homework (because he didn't understand it). The school are aware of the disabilities behind his academic struggles and told the parent that he would be going to a supported homework club, as well as smaller group work during school. That hasn't happened, which no one has communicated to the OP.

I did get a notification on the app about one detention but not the other 2, which were all set on the same day apparently. And nobody told me he was going into isolation, I only found out when he came home on Friday and told me he’d spent the whole day in there.

He is years behind in some subjects because of the lack of support at primary school. I have done a lot with him at home and obviously will keep doing so but there is still a gap there because of his learning difficulties. He struggles with processing information and remembering instructions, its not as simple as telling him to try harder.

And there ISNT a homework club for him to just step up and attend. Thats part of the problem, they told me he would be going to one and it hasnt happened. There is nothing for him to attend at the moment.

Did you actually read my OP? I’m not saying he should get away with everything, I’m asking why the support they said would be in place isnt there but the punishments are.

Wouldn’t phrase it this bluntly but I broadly agree. I’d be mortified if this was one of my children!

I think you need to let go of any ideas about being "liked" by school.

Both my children have additional needs. #1 was super well supported by school, had very high attendance, and had a generally decent experience.

#2's school (different from #1's) dug in their heels, refused to support the idea of a diagnosis, refused to even consider putting her on the SEN list, and dealt punishment after punishment until #2 started to develop EBSA. I had to go absolutely full throttle to get them to put any accommodations in, including referring myself to Early Help and going through CAMHS. She's now on an even keel, on meds, and projected to do quite well in GCSEs. But at school? They hate me. I used to care and now I don't. I document everything because they threatened to fine me (#2's attendance suffers due to a medical issue).

You will find a lot of posters in AIBU rabidly keen to blame your son for everything including breathing but the fact remains that some schools throw kids in isolation so much that it has little meaning. Bring the wrong set of pens? ISO! Kick off in class and/or fight? ISO too!

It doesn't make sense and that's why you need to be your son's best advocate. Good luck.

He was talking in two different classes so was given detention. He’s had the highest number of detentions in his year group despite presumably only starting at the school 6 weeks ago. As a parent this should feel rather embarrassing, mortifying even.

Most of the detentions appear to be for not doing homework. If he’s unable to do his homework on time, you need to meet again with SENCO and ask for a homework plan to be put in place. This doesn’t mean he gets out of doing it but a structured timetable might help him break it all down. Secondary is a big leap from primary and expectations are much higher.

I'd acknowledge that your son could not be allowed to break rules and disrupt learning and state my committment to work with them to address the problem.
I'd ask them in what way the detentions were thought to be helpful in preventing the behaviour. Because the sheer volume of them indicates they have failed to achieve the intended outcome.
I'd ask what other plans were in place for him and how you could best support them to implement them.

These are separate issues for me OP.

1. The support they should have been offering isn’t there, you are right to pull them on that and find out what the plan is.

BUT

2. He’s getting detentions because he is sat chatting, that has nothing to do with point 1 or his dyslexia.

The school can’t just put the small group support in place immediately. I’m sure they are working on it and remedial type groups need a lot of timetabling of staff, rooms, schemes of work and it may involve multiple children not just across the year but the whole school. Talk to them tomorrow but you might need to be patient for a bit longer!

DS says he was telling other pupils to stop talking to him and that he got the detention for talking back

To be fair OP, this is literally the age old equivalent of 'The dog ate my homework'.

I'm 57 and this was always my go-to excuse when I got caught talking!

Just to explain the detentions a bit more, the first was for being late which was my fault as I’d forgotten to let them know about his orthodontist appointment beforehand. I accept that and that detention was wiped anyway.

The second was for talking when the teacher had told the whole class to stop. DS says he was telling the person next to him to stop talking to him and ended up getting the detention himself. The third was also for talking. He says he didnt understand what he was supposed to be doing, the teacher told him to stop talking and when he tried to explain he got done for talking back. Obviously I can only go on what he’s told me but this is why I feel they need to look at the bigger picture a bit.

The smaller group was supposed to help him not fall even further behind and hopefully stop his confidence taking another hit. He’s still working at around year 2/3 level in most subjects and his reading is worse than anything else. He doesnt seem to take in the words or information, gets stuck and then doesnt want to carry on because he’s embarrassed.

The smaller group hasnt happened and I do understand staffing and timetables are difficult, I’m not expecting them to magic something up overnight. But I’ve also now been told the homework club wont start until later into next half term. So both things we discussed as support are still not happening.

It just feels like a repeat of primary school where he gets labelled as bad rather than anyone looking at why he’s struggling. I know he needs consequences and I’m not asking for him to have none, but the detentions clearly arent changing anything are they? He’s still struggling and now he’s been put in isolation as well.

The Head of Year said a meeting should have happened because of the number of detentions but nobody offered me one. I’ve got a meeting with the deputy head tomorrow and honestly I dont even know what to say to get them to listen rather than just tell me he needs to behave better.

Detentions don’t change anything. They are a deterrent to the kids who don’t generally get them.

I would not be particularly concerned about the occasional one but if he’s getting a lot that isn’t good.

None of this changes the fact he has 2 detentions for talking when he shouldn’t have been OP, and that has nothing to do with all the other issues you mention.