To be pissed off with DS’s school (long post sorry!)

[TryingNotToMakeItWorse]

I’m really pissed off with DS’s school and not sure if I’m being unreasonable or whether I need to calm down before I make things worse for him.

DS is 12 and in year 7. He has dyslexia and quite significant problems with his working memory which were picked up during an assessment last year. He’s always struggled with school and remembering instructions, getting written work done etc. He’s not a child who never does anything wrong and I know he can talk when he shouldnt but there’s a bit more to it than that.

On Friday he came home and told me he’d spent the whole day in isolation. I had absolutely no idea this was happening and was quite shocked as I thought something serious must have happened for him to be put in there all day. Apparently it was because he’d had 3 detentions in a day.

I’d had a message from school about a detention so rang them on Friday morning to ask what it was for as I assumed it was for being late earlier in the week. He’d had an orthodontist appointment and I’d completely forgotten to let the school know beforehand, so I accept that was my fault. I dropped him off late with a note explaining why and when I rang the school they agreed to cancel that detention. The message I’d received only mentioned one detention so I had no idea there were another 2 involved as well.

The other 2 were apparently for talking in 2 different lessons. DS says he was telling other pupils to stop talking to him and that he got the detention for talking back, although obviously I wasnt there so I can only go on what he’s told me. I know he’s not always an angel in class but I do think there’s a difference between deliberately disrupting a lesson and getting into trouble when he’s already struggling to manage what’s going on around him.

What has really annoyed me is finding out he was put in isolation without anyone contacting me, particularly when one of the detentions had actually been cancelled. The school say the decision had already been made based on the number he’d received and the Head of Year apparently wasnt aware that the other detention had been cancelled when she made the decision.

I rang again this morning and asked to speak to the Head of Year. She told me DS has one of the highest numbers of detentions in the year, which was news to me. Apparently I should have been called in for a meeting about this before now but nobody has contacted me about it. I knew he’d had some detentions for not doing homework and was dealing with that at home, but I wasnt aware it had got to this point.

The reason I’m particularly upset is that school know about his difficulties. He was assessed last year after years of struggling and the report explains the problems he has with memory and processing instructions. His primary school were very quick to label him naughty and lazy and it took a long time to get anyone to look properly at why he was struggling. I was determined that secondary school would be different so I contacted the SENCO before he even started there.

I had a meeting with the SENCO early in the term and we discussed putting him into a smaller teaching group for some lessons because he was finding the work difficult. They also said he’d attend a supported homework club after school as he was refusing to do some of the homework because he didnt understand it. I was happy with both of these things and thought they were being put in place.

DS has since told me he isnt in the smaller group and hasnt been going to the homework club either. I emailed the SENCO last week to ask when this was starting and only got a reply today saying the smaller group wouldnt be available until later in the term. Nobody had told me this before and I’d been under the impression that the extra support was being sorted.

When I raised this with the Head of Year she said the school has expectations about behaviour and DS still has to follow the rules. I agree with that! I’m not saying he should be allowed to do whatever he wants because he has dyslexia. But I dont understand how they’re making decisions about his behaviour without seeming to consider the difficulties we’ve already discussed with them, or why I’ve had to chase up support that was supposed to be happening.

The conversation got quite defensive and I felt like she was trying to make it all about his number of detentions rather than answer my questions about the isolation and the support. I asked to speak to the deputy head and have now got a meeting arranged for tomorrow.

I’m worried I’ve made an enemy of the Head of Year now and that DS will end up getting watched even more closely because I’ve complained. At the same time I’m really cross that he’s been punished like this and I’m only finding out afterwards, when the school have known for weeks that he needs some extra help.

I dont want to be the parent who blames the school for everything and I do expect him to behave himself, but I also dont want him going through the same thing he did at primary school where he was constantly in trouble and his confidence got worse and worse.

Am I being unreasonable to be this angry about it? And what would you actually raise with the deputy head tomorrow? I want to get somewhere with the school rather than just have an argument, but at the moment I feel like I’m going round in circles.

They do have an app and thats how I found out about the one detention, but the other 2 that were set on the same day never showed up on there. The one I did know about was for being late because I dropped him off at about 9.30 after his orthodontist appointment. I accept that was my fault for not letting them know beforehand and the school told me they’d wiped that one anyway after I explained.

He can write but its not very legible. His primary school were obsessed with joined up writing and he had to do that even though he struggled with it. Now he’s allowed to write how he wants and it’s still difficult to read, but he also struggles to tell me/school what his own writing says. I honestly dont know if he genuinely cant read it back or if he’s embarrassed.

Spelling is a big issue too. Even if you tell him how to spell something he seems to forget it by the next time he needs to write it.

Reading is difficult as well. He can read some things but doesnt necessarily take in what he’s just read or understand it, and he gets stuck on words often. When he was learning to read he would often just refuse to do it and it was taken as him being stubborn and difficult rather than actually struggling. Looking back I think a lot of the time he just couldnt do what was being asked of him and didnt know how to explain that.

I’ll definitely raise the EHCP and nurture group at the meeting tomorrow because I honestly dont know what else to do at this point. I just wish someone had taken it seriously years ago instead of everyone assuming he wasnt trying.

I work in a secondary school. ‘I was telling them to stop talking to me’ is a very old chestnut indeed!

Why couldn't he have done it even if it was wrong? Shows he had tried and they can't give him detention for getting it wrong

Ive said many many times now that I’m not saying he shouldnt be punished if he’s done something wrong. I know he got the detentions for talking in class, I’m not disputing that.

My issue is that nobody contacted me about the other detentions or the isolation, and the Head of Year herself said a meeting should have happened before now because of the amount of detentions he’s been getting. But nobody has offered me anything or got in touch to discuss it.

There is no support in place at the moment despite what was agreed with the SENCO. A child who’s working at a lower primary level in year 7 is obviously going to struggle in a secondary classroom and he’s not getting the help he needs to access the work.

I’m not saying that means he can talk whenever he wants, I’m saying there needs to be some support alongside the consequences because what they’re doing at the moment clearly isnt working. I dont understand why thats so difficult to get across.

I think to be fair to the OP she has been fobbed off at every turn and is feeling frustrated and helpless in how to help her son. The reaction to the detentions are a symptom of her frustration and overall sense that no one is actually helping her child. The talking in class and detention is red herring the OP probably knows that really but is at a loss. It's not really helpful for people to keep wanging on about the detentions and how he was talking in class there's a bigger issue that the OP needs support with.

@TryingNotToMakeItWorse do you know of they did baseline assessments at the start of year 7? If so, what did this show? Did the primary school do year 6 SATS and if so, what did this show?

Who did the dyslexia assessment? Was it purely for that? I’m wondering if he would benefit from more comprehensive assessment such as ASD?

As a mum of a severely SEN child, mainstream school was a nightmare. No understanding from the school at all.

Witt school tomorrow, ask to see any assessments they’ve done, say you want to do an EHCP application. They may say they don’t have the evidence in 7 weeks so the assessment will help here. If school won’t help, start the EHCP yourself .

Ok op. I think the big problem is he hasn’t learnt how to behave appropriately in class. The correct way to tell the teacher he isn’t getting it is to put his hand up and wait to be called on. Then tell teacher he’s stuck. He can’t be speaking to all round him telling them he’s stuck. So yes I agree he has an issue but here you are teaching him that it’s ok to cause low level disruption because he had dyslexia.

So what have you said to him OP? Have you spoken to him about his behaviour in. Lads and the correct way to communicate? Have you shown him his behaviour isn’t acceptable regardless of his condition?

Op what can you do to help your son. If the detentions aren’t working what have you put in place to stop
him talking when he shouldn’t be? Why did he feel the need to boss others about? What have you said about that? What were the consequence?

The school should have contacted you, and used the app to inform you about the detentions, and they should be putting support in place to advance his learning, you can support that too.

I just wish someone had taken it seriously years ago instead of everyone assuming he wasnt trying.

Only reason I didn't wait as long as school wanted so started helping KS2 with DD1- was becuase I was diagnosed still beat myself up we waited years for DD1 - assuming school knew what they were doing started earlier with younger kids.

Writing -try a writing slop - and pens types and grips see if they have any effect - and books like Speed Up!: a Kinaesthetic Programme to Develop Fluent Handwriting and various teen handwriting one - if it's really bad ask about using lap top in class and exams.

I'd look at Apple and pears - it's writing in sentences lots or repetition. If there a short term memory issue it often takes longer and much more practise to learn spelling and using them helps (helped my DC with maths as well).

Reading - try the dancing bears placement tests - but this is a huge hurdle - there are dsylexic books out there for teens so topics teens like but easy reading - comics with younger DS were a huge break through. As he speeds up with reaidng he may retain meaing more - he's working so hard to decode then forgetting idea conveyed epsailly with the memory issues.

If he can use a laptop in class - look at typing courses there are some that combine spelling practise and learning to type - but word has a read function in it meaning it will read what has been typed. Kindles can do this for books as well.

Likely will be a fight to get support with the school but EHCP application should help with that.

I rang again this morning and asked to speak to the Head of Year. She told me DS has one of the highest numbers of detentions in the year, which was news to me.

Clearly.

I honestly dont know what his year 7 baseline assessments showed, nobody has gone through any of that. Primary did do SATS but he failed them. He was given extra time but I dont think he answered many questions, and I think that knocked his confidence even more.

The dyslexia/learning difficulty assessment was done last year after years of struggling. I dont know if it was comprehensive enough or whether there could be something else going on as well, nobody has suggested anything else to me. I will ask about further assessment and the EHCP tomorrow. I just want to know what he needs and for someone to actually help him rather than him getting further behind.

I worry about his self esteem and the effect all of this is having on his mental health, especially as he has a brother in year 6 who is on track academically and will probably get good SATS results. I never compare them, but he probably does compare himself to others

I'm always shocked when I read about schools in the uk (I'm in Ireland). Isolation? It sounds more like a prison than a school.

If I were you I would be looking for another school that could better meet his needs.

I know he cant just behave how he likes, I’ve said that so many times now. I do understand he needs to put his hand up, but I think he’d be embarrassed to put his hand up in front of the whole class and admit he doesnt understand something that everyone else finds easy. His self esteem is already so low after primary school.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You don’t need the school to do it or to agree to you doing it.

Does DS have a SEN Support plan? These are called different things in different places e.g. SEN Support plan, IEP, ILP, My Plan, one page profile… but they should set out DS’s needs and the support he requries.

Do you have (or can work out) the email addresses of DS’s teachers? If so, email them directly rather than relying on the school to pass information about DS’s SEN on.

1. They should have sent a letter about isolation room.
2. There should be a way you can check behaviour and detention logs.
3. If your son has a detention he should do them. I find it hard to believe he is being sanctioned twice.
4. I expect he is playing up because he is struggling to access the curriculum.
5. Has he got a plan in place and a formal diagnosis?
6. Arrange a face to face meeting.

You seem quick to blame both the primary and secondary schools for failing your son, but what about your failure as a parent to ensure he adequate support in place years ago.
As parents, we are our children's greatest advocates and oftentimes have to steer, rather than rely upon schools to put things in place.

Yabu
The behaviour policy will be on their website
Three detentions is a day is very reasonable to be escalated to an isolation

I was lucky started to fly at secondary after finding my own coping technquies but I wouldn't have put my hand up and asked - not at least without checking with mates it wasn't just me not understanding - even then it would depend on class and teacher.

I spent years being made to feel stupid and lazy by teachers and other kids at primary - people telling you to just ask clearly do not get the fear of possibly more negative attention - it's hard.

I do think many UK systems are not great when kids do fall behind. I would also think early and look yourself and not rely on school for a post 16 route.

Do you have (or can work out) the email addresses of DS’s teachers? If so, email them directly rather than relying on the school to pass information about DS’s SEN on.

Good idea - also useful if he doen't get the homework so he can e-mail and ask questions without a class audience.

I think you need to look at changing schools. This school isn't supporting your son, is then punishing him and not communicating with you, as his parent.
Slightly different, but my son is dyslexic and really struggling at his previous school. Poor behaviour at times, not doing work etc. We decided to change schools (he's 9 now) and the difference in him in only a few weeks is fernominal. He's happy, engaged, getting awards, totally different child.
Your son has clearly struggled and his confidence is rock bottom because of labelling in his primary school. This school promises support and doesn't deliver - your poor son. It's also exhausting managing dyslexia and all the other processing that has to go on on a daily basis.
Keep on at the school - look at their policies and consider alternatives.

Unless you have been in that position, you can't possibly know - don't judge. As parents, my DH and I were doing our absolute best to support our children with various serious issues and yes school was the problem factor! Moved children to a new school and they are completely different!
I was labelled lazy all the way through primary and secondary school. Finally diagnosed dyslexic at 18.
My mum was a teacher and even she didn't spot the signs!