To cancel activities 3 year old refuses?

[ApronSprings]

I think it's probably pretty normal for a 3.5 year old to refuse activities at an age where autonomy is so important to them.
But DD is winding me up something rotten with refusing activities we've already paid for.

We had weeks of crying on the way to one particular activity, sometimes enjoying it when she was there, other times clinging to me and not joining in. It got to the point she would scream and cry so much on the way that I couldn't justify making her do it because if she's not enjoying it what is the point?

After a solid four weeks of not going at all, I cancelled it. I asked DD beforehand and she said yes to cancelling. It was the first activity that she was needing to do independently so after giving it a good go I decided she just wasn't ready for it which is perfectly fine at her age.

Now, we've had it where she's refusing to go to swimming. We do the lessons together. I've squeezed my postpartum body into a pre-partum swimming costume during my first period since having a baby only for her to refuse to go as we are heading out the door.
We've had weeks of sickness in the house so have missed it, so I'm feeling rather resentful that I've paid £20 a lesson for us not to go when she's well. She's gone the last couple of weeks post sickness so it's not a case of being out of rhythm.

Wondering how many weeks of refusal before I knock this on the head? I was thinking cancelling if she refuses 2-3 weeks in a row - is that too harsh? I'm probably being unreasonable but money is tight and we are probably a bit too lenient. DD has been pushing boundaries a lot with us and with preschool. Developmentally normal but I think needs us to start being more firm.

Three of her friends are in the same lesson so it's not shyness.

AIBU to cancel activities if she doesn't go three weeks in a row (when well)?

She sounds like she’s too young and not ready for these activities. Why don’t you give it 6 months before booking her into anything else.

Swimming is a life skill so I make mine go even if they're not keen.

Other activities, if they're not enjoying it I would find something else

She's been swimming since she was a baby. We're doing parent and child ones so definitely don't think she's too young for it. Would agree if she was doing independently.

If she can swim does she need lessons ? Take her family swimming just ? Swimming is important but lessons are not

My kids went through a hating swimming phase slightly younger than yours. We persevered and now they are all happy swimmers. As PP said, it’s a life skill so please don’t give up too easily. Other clubs/activities can be stopped but I’d suggest you stick with it

This is a good way of looking at it although I think swimming is so important as a life skill that I am keen not to have a negative association which might happen if dragged kicking and screaming. Maybe one off today but next week will take her even if she's kicking off. I suspect as she has mates there that she'd probably cheer up.

Depends what it is. Swimming I would keep going with (yeah some people manage to teach their own kids wasn't for me as lessons made us go and I know my technique isn't good so didn't want to pass on bad habits). Other things I would stop.

I agree that swimming shouldn’t be optional and I don’t think a three year old should he allowed to refuse to go. But maybe you should just take her and teach her yourself rather than paying for expensive lessons? I don’t think any other activities are really necessary at that age so if she’s not enjoying them, I would just use the time to sit at home and play with her and her toys.

I’ve got one that age and I’d stop all of it and just do things for fun. They’re only tiny. Plenty of time for swimming lessons, my older one didn’t start till she was 5 and took to it quickly. It’s cost for you and stress for both of you, I’d stop fighting.

I think she's just not old enough for these activities yet. 3.5 is tiny, they have no logic or ability to remember they like the activity once they get there - it's all just vibes on the day.

We didn't do swimming lessons until school age, just family swim sessions to enjoy being in the water. Actually we didn't do any organised, regular activities until school age - just didn't seem any point.

Swimming lessons are a non-negotiable in our house, been at it for 11 years with 3 kids who have all gone through phases of hating it 😂. Other activities fine to cancel if they aren't enjoying, I don't think mine were doing anything other than swimming lessons at that age.

DD can swim round the pool with a noodle independently, kicking and paddling or doing breaststroke with support so she's making good progress so I think it has progressed beyond the singing splashing stage.

Cancel everything except the swimming and stick to activities you don't have to book in advance e g the park, soft play, walk in the woods etc.

On swimming days, don't tell her where you're going to avoid the leaving the house drama. She can figure it out when you get there.

She knows it's swimming on Saturday mornings, she's 3.5 lol. It's the age where they remember everything you say and hold you to it!

I would just cancel everything for now OP. Swimming is a life skill but it's fine just to take her swimming as a family and not to lessons at this age if it's going to become stressful. She can start swimming lessons when older. My DD age 8 can swim like a fish and she only started lessons when she was 5- we just took her swimming now and again to help her feel happy in the water etc.

I think I'll give it a couple of weeks and see. I think this is possibly a one off for swimming and that she'd be very upset if I cancelled it especially as it's with her little friendship group.

I'd probably cancel swimming lessons for now if your struggling and just try and take her to regular fun swimming seasons for a while. Lessons can start again later.

I had to do this with DD for a bit, but it didn't stop her from learning to swim properly later. She's 19 now and has been going to the local swimming club since she was 8. Learing to swim was a non negotiable for me to, but having a break from formal lessons early on hasn't stopped her.

That's is a pretty reasonable take thank you.
I was a good swimmer from a very young age and it made such a difference for holidays etc so I am keen to give it a bit longer but will keep your advice in mind!

A little update. About ten minutes after refusing to go, she's done a poo in her pants. I'm grateful it's not her swimming costume or in the car. It was good I didn't drag her on this occasion!

Mine didn't do any activities at this age I don't see the need. I think too many parents think they should be doing all sorts maybe it social media.

She sounds quite young for organised activities but swimming is different.
It’s such an important life skill can you link it to a treat afterwards - I know it’s bad but I gave mine a little bag of chicolate buttons in the changing room to keep them still whilst I got changed. They loved going swimming and tbh I think it was the changing room chocolate buttons as much as the swimming.

I don't think I've ever seen children doing swimming lessons on social media 😂
I did tumble tots, swimming and ballet at this age, and there was no internet.

DS was over 4 when we started workshop music and swimming. The first term of the swimming was tricky as he wasn't keen despite loving visits to pool with us. Parents sat poolside at the lesson. The reluctance passed and he loves surf and board holidays. The music workshop was more problematic. It was on a Saturday and after school started he was too tired for weekend lessons. Additionally, I felt the stated aim of preparation to play an instrument wasn't really emerging. The teacher was not suited to teaching young primary kids as she taught much older ones in her day job. She was also bossing them about and overstepping. We left, he went on to play brass and have music as a hobby of his choosing in older life. Another boy who left became a chorister. So that was just a duff class/money grab.

With swimming I’d pick them up and put them in the car as I feel it’s a non negotiable but at 3.5 and postpartum there’s no harm in a little break and trying again next year!

She is 3 not 13