To cancel activities 3 year old refuses?

[ApronSprings]

I think it's probably pretty normal for a 3.5 year old to refuse activities at an age where autonomy is so important to them.
But DD is winding me up something rotten with refusing activities we've already paid for.

We had weeks of crying on the way to one particular activity, sometimes enjoying it when she was there, other times clinging to me and not joining in. It got to the point she would scream and cry so much on the way that I couldn't justify making her do it because if she's not enjoying it what is the point?

After a solid four weeks of not going at all, I cancelled it. I asked DD beforehand and she said yes to cancelling. It was the first activity that she was needing to do independently so after giving it a good go I decided she just wasn't ready for it which is perfectly fine at her age.

Now, we've had it where she's refusing to go to swimming. We do the lessons together. I've squeezed my postpartum body into a pre-partum swimming costume during my first period since having a baby only for her to refuse to go as we are heading out the door.
We've had weeks of sickness in the house so have missed it, so I'm feeling rather resentful that I've paid £20 a lesson for us not to go when she's well. She's gone the last couple of weeks post sickness so it's not a case of being out of rhythm.

Wondering how many weeks of refusal before I knock this on the head? I was thinking cancelling if she refuses 2-3 weeks in a row - is that too harsh? I'm probably being unreasonable but money is tight and we are probably a bit too lenient. DD has been pushing boundaries a lot with us and with preschool. Developmentally normal but I think needs us to start being more firm.

Three of her friends are in the same lesson so it's not shyness.

AIBU to cancel activities if she doesn't go three weeks in a row (when well)?

We would go to a café for hot chocolate after swimming in the winter to warm up, never any complaints once that became a tradition 😁

Some of the stress (for her) may come from the fact that she knows that a big fuss may mean not going. Life is simpler with rock-solid boundaries - swimming is a thing that happens, not a "maybe we will, maybe we won't" thing decided at the last minute.

Agree with a PP that snacks afterwards are useful, not least because it's a lot of work mentally and physically for small children.

Is she ND?

I agree swimming is a life skill but my DS was so awful about going that I stopped him age 4 and we restarted age 6. He still wasn’t keen but I was able to reason with him more at that age.

Does your council or similar do an intensive half term course? Half hour every day for a week say? That really helped my DS although he made an awful fuss about going.

Mine are older now and we stop activities if they don’t enjoy them. Not immediately but after a while. Unless it’s swimming, it’s not essential and it’s too expensive!

LOL WHAT 😂

I think three is too young to be making them do any activities they don’t want to do.

I’d cancel everything (including the swimming lessons, you can still take her yourself and make it fun).

Agree with this. Swimming is the only non negotiable activity in my house. I’m often heard saying “if you don’t like it then learn faster!”

Half term courses sound great but both of us work and DD's preschool isn't term time only (thank God, we've got until next year to have the school holiday scramble).
Maybe one for next October if this goes to shit!

She's 3.5!!

Just leave her be, let her play, she's so tiny

Yes she's kept locked in her room outside of swimming lessons 🙄

How old is your baby OP, you mention being post partum? Just wondering if having a new sibling might be having an effect? Even if she doesn't seem jealous or upset, it can come out in other ways, especially emotional regression and dysregulation. I would ease off on the organised activities for now and just concentrate on having fun with her at the park or splash pool. Plenty of time in the future for her to do classes etc.

Thank you for all the mostly sensible answers.

We'll give it a couple of weeks and possibly see if I can take her in the week to see if that helps her get used to it a bit more.

She's said to DH she was feeling a bit nervous about going as last week when he took her he dunked her under without any warning 🙃

I think mummy will be on swimming lesson duty from now on.

DS is 1, and if anything this is giving her 1:1 time with mummy or daddy each week so has felt particularly important for us as a family.

No jealousy but yes a lot of change. She thinks DS hung the moon and is absolutely obsessed. Swimming is one of those activities we've tried to keep up to make sure she gets that time without DS.

Oh forget the activities .... have fun family time together!

She's barely born ... only been on this earth a few years... 4 years ago she was just a bundle of cells!

Embrace her within the family ... this is what she needs.... she is telling you loud and clear! .... and it will save you money!

And before the doom-mongers arrive telling you that she will never learn to socialise ... ignore! She will be fine!

At 3 1/2 she is certainly old enough for an explanation as to why she needs to learn to swim. You have pointed out that she remembers everything that you say so she’s clearly able to understand a simple reasoned discussion. I would explain that you NEED her to go to swimming without a fuss but that you are happy to stop other activities that she doesn’t like as long as she’s given them a go - but that said, I don’t think any age of child needs too much of their time in structured classes.

using NEED rather than want or like implies a greater authority

Swimming is important, my 4 year old has private lessons and started saying he didn’t want to go, like you I didn’t want negative associations so I did things like make sure he had his favourite treat to eat in the car on the way to his weekly swimming lesson and he chose some new goggles etc, little positive things like that.

Yes cancel it all. She’s still very young and she’s clearly not ready. Yes swimming is an essential life skill but for the most part 3YOs aren’t capable of learning actual strokes yet, because they lack the strength, coordination and concentration required. Pick it up when she’s in reception, and then bonus, you won’t need to get in the water. Doing toddler/preschooler lessons doesn’t give any advantage whatsoever. Im the meantime take her swimming yourself to just play and get used to the water as when suits so definitely not when she’s in a bad mood and you’ve just had a baby!

If she was 5 I would insist on the swimming as a life skill, but at 3.5 most children cannot physically learn to swim proper strokes anyway, they are not able to coordinate turning their head to the side or lifting it to breathe. I would just take her swimming myself for fun to practise floating & keeping her used to putting her face in the water but hold off independent lessons til she is nearer 5.

We had kids who joined our swim class at 5/6 who had never swum before, they caught up the kids who had had years of baby/toddler classes in a term.

I completely agree with this. Mine didn't start lessons til aged 5/6 and learnt to swim really quickly. Not worth pushing it at this age imo. Plenty of time yet for it.

They change their mind so much, she will find something she loves and settle to it when she's a bit older I'm sure. She's really little yet.

If it's causing you all this much stress and it's financially difficult then stop.

You say she can swim independently with a pool noodle, a lot of 3 year olds that get taken regularly can already do this at that age even without having lessons. We tried starting DS when he was 4, he messed around and wasn't mature enough to listen. Started him again at 5 and he's now flying through the stages. Prior to this we did family swims most weekends which works out cheaper than your £20 a session, taught the basics with a lot of fun I.e floats, blow up balls, sinkers etc. He was in the first stage for a couple of weeks because we'd already covered it all as a family.

They are so little at this stage and have no idea about persevering with anything. Sometimes I think it's more about parents thinking the kids need to be doing activities than actually the kids needing or wanting to be doing it.

3.5 year olds don’t need structured group activities.

Some children do enjoy them and get a lot out of them and that’s absolutely fine. But it’s not some kind of universal need so if your child isn’t enjoying them just stop.

Swimming is an important life skill, yes, but that doesn’t have to mean preschool swimming lessons. Neither of my children had more than a few swimming lessons (due to a combination of disability and financial reasons) but we took them as often as we could and they essentially figured it out in their own way through weekend swims and holidays.

Is their stroke technique perfect? No. But they are very confident in the water and never panic, can float well on their backs and could swim to the side if they fell in somewhere accidentally, and then some. You can always try structured lessons again later and just swim as a family for now.

Mine always have an after swimming snack, could be a cereal bar, bear fruit yoyos, little sweets…..
Never had any complaints. It started to keep them busy whilst I changed but became tradition!!

But they don’t need to learn that from the womb. Plenty of opportunities for that later in childhood.

@ApronSprings don’t force it. Kids don’t have to be doing activities every week, joining groups, getting involved. Go at her pace and let her tell you whether she enjoys it or not. We made this mistake early on (because nobody likes a quitter, and kids need to learn to persevere, it’s good for them, yadda, yadda) and it was hell for all of us. Years later we realised what the actual problem was and no amount of pushing her would have made any difference.

She picked her activities, she decided if she wanted to continue, before we pay anything up front, she understood she either continued with it to see if it got better, or had to wait for a bit to try something else. This is the same as we do as adults, she’s really good at making those sorts of choices now she is 17. More importantly she knows she is not expected to put up with anything she is uncomfortable with, just because she decided in the beginning it was what she wanted.

I wouldn’t do any booked activities with a 3 year old. Everything is too unpredictable at that age.

The problem with small children being forced to do stuff like this is that some simply won’t engage or join in when there.

My eldest used to be anxious about activities but once actually started she’d love it and join in. My youngest would literally just stand on the side. He would never ‘swim’ in swimming lessons and I ended up taking him myself twice a week to teach him. All kids are different.