To cancel activities 3 year old refuses?

[ApronSprings]

I think it's probably pretty normal for a 3.5 year old to refuse activities at an age where autonomy is so important to them.
But DD is winding me up something rotten with refusing activities we've already paid for.

We had weeks of crying on the way to one particular activity, sometimes enjoying it when she was there, other times clinging to me and not joining in. It got to the point she would scream and cry so much on the way that I couldn't justify making her do it because if she's not enjoying it what is the point?

After a solid four weeks of not going at all, I cancelled it. I asked DD beforehand and she said yes to cancelling. It was the first activity that she was needing to do independently so after giving it a good go I decided she just wasn't ready for it which is perfectly fine at her age.

Now, we've had it where she's refusing to go to swimming. We do the lessons together. I've squeezed my postpartum body into a pre-partum swimming costume during my first period since having a baby only for her to refuse to go as we are heading out the door.
We've had weeks of sickness in the house so have missed it, so I'm feeling rather resentful that I've paid £20 a lesson for us not to go when she's well. She's gone the last couple of weeks post sickness so it's not a case of being out of rhythm.

Wondering how many weeks of refusal before I knock this on the head? I was thinking cancelling if she refuses 2-3 weeks in a row - is that too harsh? I'm probably being unreasonable but money is tight and we are probably a bit too lenient. DD has been pushing boundaries a lot with us and with preschool. Developmentally normal but I think needs us to start being more firm.

Three of her friends are in the same lesson so it's not shyness.

AIBU to cancel activities if she doesn't go three weeks in a row (when well)?

My children are older primary and by about age 7 there was very little difference between those who had done swimming since they were babies and those who started around age 5. Just stop if it's not enjoyable. They can start proper lessons when they're school age.

OP, my DD did swimming lessons from 6 months because I agree, swimming is really important, and she went into lessons independently at 2.5. She also did ballet when she was three. My rule for extracurricular activities was that I would take her if she wanted to go but I wouldn't cajole or insist, and if she went, she went every week. I hate the 'are we going or not' feeling-it doesn't lead to a relaxed atmosphere in our house. She decided against ballet and all the other forms of dancing herself by Year 5 and picked up a load of other stuff.

My friend didn't start her boy at formal swimming lessons until school age. They both swim equally well. I was really keen for her to do it, and she liked it but I think in your position, if she is still unhappy, I might consider taking a break. There isn't the huge rush I thought there was in retrospect, and she got her 25 metres at the start of Reception and my friend's boy at the end.

Restart in spring or something. It's not sounding like fun and she won't make huge progress if she's upset. You might be better swimming for fun as a family for a bit and picking it back up.

Other extra curricular clubs were always up to DD. Other people very much insisted their kid did something and DD is now a teen and very much in charge of making her own decisions. I was really glad I let her pick what she wanted to do, and expected her to get ready for it without cajoling. It has paid off. Some of my friends are still running around after their teens to get them ready/motivated for sports. Mine does way more stuff than I would have chosen for her but I let her be the judge of that too. She's developed a good sense of what she can cram into a week without being exhausted and grumpy.

It can feel like if you don't do what everyone else is doing, you're missing out but there's plenty of time.

@ApronSpringswhat do you do when you go to the lessons?

My 3yo and I go on Friday mornings (my non working day). She does her lesson while I swim lengths nearby then we swim together for a while which she loves. After swimming is always a babyccino / hot chocolate and something to eat in the club house (David Lloyd) so she enjoys the whole morning, even if she doesn't fancy doing the lesson.

She can swim 10m without armbands (only on her front) so I'm glad we persisted.

Agree. My daughter didn’t start proper swimming lessons until 7 and she’s become amazing in six months.

This. Dds were swimming like baby dolphins well before 3, but there were no formal lessons until they were around 6, when they started to learn proper strokes.
IMO feeling happy and confident in the water is far more important than ‘proper’ strokes for very little ones. I was 😱 not long ago to hear that an ex colleague’s twin Gdds were having to learn butterfly at still only 4!

You can’t make young kids do activities if they don’t want to do them. Just cancel them and come back to it again in six months.

DC3 didn’t really like any structured activities at that age. We stuck to pay and play types things.
He hated swimming lessons at 5 so we stopped them and then due to Covid didn’t start them again until he was almost 8, he now in his teens he competes at national level. We just went swimming as often as we could as a family.

Swimming in non negotiable.

Other activities if I’ve paid up front then dd finished the course but if I felt she wasn’t enjoying it I wouldn’t sign her up again.

It does sound like you’re giving your dd a lot of power tbh. I would set an expectation so the morning of the lesson ‘it’s swimming later, that will be so much fun, I expect you to get ready nicely and listen to the swim teacher.’

In our house swimming is non negotiable because it's for safety.

That's brill. One of us does it in the pool with her