To cancel activities 3 year old refuses?

[ApronSprings]

I think it's probably pretty normal for a 3.5 year old to refuse activities at an age where autonomy is so important to them.
But DD is winding me up something rotten with refusing activities we've already paid for.

We had weeks of crying on the way to one particular activity, sometimes enjoying it when she was there, other times clinging to me and not joining in. It got to the point she would scream and cry so much on the way that I couldn't justify making her do it because if she's not enjoying it what is the point?

After a solid four weeks of not going at all, I cancelled it. I asked DD beforehand and she said yes to cancelling. It was the first activity that she was needing to do independently so after giving it a good go I decided she just wasn't ready for it which is perfectly fine at her age.

Now, we've had it where she's refusing to go to swimming. We do the lessons together. I've squeezed my postpartum body into a pre-partum swimming costume during my first period since having a baby only for her to refuse to go as we are heading out the door.
We've had weeks of sickness in the house so have missed it, so I'm feeling rather resentful that I've paid £20 a lesson for us not to go when she's well. She's gone the last couple of weeks post sickness so it's not a case of being out of rhythm.

Wondering how many weeks of refusal before I knock this on the head? I was thinking cancelling if she refuses 2-3 weeks in a row - is that too harsh? I'm probably being unreasonable but money is tight and we are probably a bit too lenient. DD has been pushing boundaries a lot with us and with preschool. Developmentally normal but I think needs us to start being more firm.

Three of her friends are in the same lesson so it's not shyness.

AIBU to cancel activities if she doesn't go three weeks in a row (when well)?

Why the pressure to be doing activities? She's so young. I'd wait until she's 5 at least and she'll probably start enjoying them

We’ve been there. Not worth the hassle imo. I gave mine a year or so break from swimming and then had no issues. Still refuses to go in group lessons but more than fine in a private one. Turns out he doesn’t like sitting waiting for a turn and disrupting his flow which is fine for me.

I had to stop swimming for my ds 4 will try again next year when he’s 5. Same reasons

Ref the swimming, I think swimming is so
important but I’m not sure parent and baby classes are as important. We did all the swim classes with DS and no swim classes with DD, just made sure we took her swimming regularly. Made it fun and reinforced the safety. DD started independent lessons at 4 and is now just as good as her brother was at that age. If they are fighting back in classes, I really wouldn’t bother too much. DS wasn’t keen on any classes so we did parks, NT, soft play, picnics, shopping and lunch together. He was a right pickle and couldn’t sit still and couldn’t follow a class 🤣

Hmmm. So, swimming for me with mine was a non negotiable from age 3. They need to learn, and they can stop when they’ve finished gold lifesaving. That’s it.

the others - well, at 4 she’s very young. I’d probably stop the clubs now until she’s 6ish and able to make a decision. Then, she commits for at least a term or whatever it is you’re paying for.

my boy does dodgeball and football and then 2 weeks into the new term announced he didn’t want to do them. Unlucky kid - I’ve paid so you’re going. He knows that I don’t let them bow out of clubs, but, he’s 8. At 4, I think you have to use judgement about what they’re getting out of it.

I run a children's activity business (cooking) for this age and I would absolutely say if the child isn't interested, cancel! There's nothing worse than seeing kids not enjoying it and parents stressed out. I always tell parents they should be getting value for money and that means them both enjoying the experience! I also just took my kids swimming myself at this age. Much cheaper!

At that age we only did a todler music class at the local church. Come as you are and pay £5.
At 3-4 yo you don't need activities. But that Saturday morning class kept me sane as a mum meeting up with other parents.

I never made mine stay at something they didn't like beyond the end of that term.

I tried so hard with swimming but once DS had been stuck at level 3 for two years, we put him out of his misery. He can jump in a deep end and not drown in a hotel pool. And he's 16 now and hasn't voluntarily gone near water for about 3yrs so I think we're safe!

I don’t have children but I do swim a lot and have done for years. The key to safe swimming is being able to float and put your face in the water. To be safe, you need to be able to float on your back. Too many people can’t put their faces in the water whilst swimming and can’t float. So being happy and relaxed in water is essential and comes before swimming. Unfortunately swimming becomes competitive, which is entirely unnecessary. Just get her in the water with you.

I'd stop all she's not enjoying. I'm a massive pro swimming lessons fan, btw. Just take her for fun, for now.
Reintroduce the clubs when she's older and keener.
Don't put too much pressure on her just now, she's only wee.
Ps
My now 8yr old has been in every club going since she was 6 and loves (most) of them 😂

At this age I did what I enjoyed.

If i enjoyed swimming with them, we went swimming. If i didn't enjoy it we stopped.

Plenty of time for them to make choices later.

Give her a break from it.

Enjoy swimming as a family, make it fun and try again.

Enjoy some days out whatever it is yous like to do.

Shes 3.5 it’s a lot of stress for everyone so enjoy a break

Wow that's far to much for a wee one. Not even our twins of same age do any of that they just want to play, the 5 yr olds do happily tho

I would have said that's ok that you don't have to join in but we've booked it and they're expecting us. So we'd go and watch everyone else.

Did it with my DS- think we sat and watched 3 1hr gymnastics lessons and on the 4th he ran over and joined in. Just as I was about to give our notice. He did it for a few years with no issues after that. Did the same with swimming when he swapped pools and decided he wouldn't go in, we sat and watched and he went in the next lesson.

I think just letting them refuse and then playing at home sends the wrong message.

You do cooking classes for 3.5yr olds? Bloody hell 😮I wouldn't even let mine stand too close to the toaster at that age 😂
What are you letting the 3.5yr olds cook? 🤔

DS will be 4 in December and he does swimming and football. We'd cancel football after a while if he really didn't want to go but swimming is non negotiable.

Have you tried sending her with someone else?
I've had weeks of my 3yo refusing to go in the water for her swimming lessons (she loves swimming...), only for her to jump in immediately when her dad took her 💩💩

Otherwise for her other activities, if she's going half the time I'm happy. I'm not super patient so I was quite pissed off the first times she refused to go, but I've made peace with it. We have a cuddle and she watches the class, so it's not a complete waste of time. Sometimes she joins in towards the end.

The difference though is that my daughter doesn't cry on the way or say she doesn't want to go. She's usually happy and enthusiastic before the classe, and refuses to go once she is in the room. I'm not sure how I would react if she did this, it seems quite intense.
Only you know your daughter though, hopefully you can feel how far to pushed for those things.

If it becomes such a negative experience for both of you, I'd probably drop all of them but 1 for now.

Also, I agree that swimming is a life skill, but at 3.5 it won't hurt to take her out for a few months, or even longer.
We did water babies with our eldest, but then took them on our own every couple of weeks. They progressed the same way, but had more fun with us, and were happy to join again this year.

Ours is three, so we are right in this phase too, and honestly I would stop anything that is making Saturday mornings miserable for the whole house. At 3.5 the refusal is rarely about the activity itself. It is usually autonomy, tiredness, or, as your update suggests, possibly something as simple as needing the loo.

The only one I would keep is swimming, but I would drop the lessons and just do family swims for a while. She keeps her water confidence and you keep the money, and nobody starts the day crying in the car. You can always rebook lessons in a few months when this phase has passed.

Three weeks of refusal while paying full whack is more than reasonable. You are not being unreasonable at all.

I would stop all structured, paid for lessons. Look for activities that run week to week and go to those when you both feel like it. Also things you can stay with her for. Take her swimming yourself to keep up her water confidence and then look at lessons in another year or so. I don’t know what you’re trying to take her to but she’s clearly not really old enough and at her age it’s completely unnecessary. The gymnastics places around us do stay and play type sessions for example which were very successful for mine at that age. Library activities?

They don't use the ovens but they prepare all sorts of things, vegetable curry this week, apple and cinnamon scones next week! Great life skills and lots of fun!

She’s 3! Let that sink in

Ask yourself what the point is of dragging her kicking and screaming to all these activities. It’s not for her enjoyment. What is it for? The swimming I get but does it need to be lessons at a set time? She’s not enjoying the format. Other than that, take her to a park and let her crack on at her leisure. Sounds more like a military camp than a family, she’s a baby!

I don't know what the other activity was, but she was quite happy for you to cancel, so it seems the right choice was made here. Especially if she was doing it independently from you.

With swimming, it is important to go and learn a life skill- but I think as the adult, you need to ask what you want.

My children didn't have formal swimming lessons until they were 5. There was a plethora of reasons for this- mainly because we were building up water confidence before swimming lessons.

But I know I would have liked it to be different.

What's important to your family though? Is she not enjoying the lessons due to time of day, water confidence or something else?

Does the time of lessons need revising?

Could you take her swimming yourself and just have fun in the pool? This would save an awful lot of money and also ensure she was still around water.

When she's a bit older, restart lessons?

My son was awful with his “with a parent” swim classes - didn’t want to go, didn’t want to do anything they were doing once in the water, it all had to be on his terms. Since we’ve switched to independent classes at the local leisure centre, with me bribing him with a new toy for the first class just to encourage him to go in without me, he’s doing amazingly and loves going in. Does everything he’s asked to.
Obviously all kids are wildly different, but that’s how it’s gone for us.