I think the school mums don’t like me

[Makingfriebds]

I’m autistic but high functioning. I hide it very well and people close to me are shocked when I tell them and some even laugh thinking I’m joking! I try to copy social skills I see around me and on tv but I feel really upset and I hope someone can help me.

Context - my DS in a school where reception to year 2 they have one form entry school then at y3-y6 2 form so a completely new group of around 25 kids join and classes are mixed so half new and half “old” class kids.

Beyond the small talk I don’t seem to make deeper friendships. This year I thought I would try with the new mums and honestly I’m not just saying this but I’m also trying for them as I felt they must be lonely and finding things difficult so I felt I should make more effort with them and they have appreciated me reaching out and answering questions about clubs, homework and pe uniforms etc. whoever anyone has a question I respond as helpfully as I can.

I asked on group WhatsApp if anyone fancied getting a cup of coffee after drop off (I know half of the mums already bear in mind and we often say hi and have previously had coffee mornings and been to each others home) I thought this would be nice for the new parents to meet everyone. No one responded but day before the suggested coffee morning 3 people responded with it will be so lovely but I already am going XYZ. They suggested another one following week or after.

I messaged those mums separately and they seemed so lovely and we arranged just us 4 in cafe near school following Friday. I got there early after drop off. One had cancelled night before which I understand. The other 2 cancelled when I was already sat there! I responded warmly saying no problem at all and these things happen. I felt embarrassed sitting there waiting as I saw other mums from the other class who I already knew from reception when I entered and said hi then said I’m waiting for the new mums for coffee. So embarrassing sitting there waiting!

yesterday I went to grab a take out coffee before heading home and I see 3 of them sat there! I was really upset but smiled and said hi.

I have really tried over the years with lots of people so is it time I just accept I will never have friends? I feel so lonely. I turned 40 last year and that’s when it hit me I don’t have any girlfriends to have dinner or drinks with. When my kids leave I’ll be alone. My DH is autistic too so has zero friends. I feel so alone. My son has been playing with the new boys and I have asked the mums to come around my home or meet in park for play date but they haven’t responded.

Any tips please?

I work in a sector where I believe majority of my colleagues are also autistic and don’t want to socialise after work. I have tried.

I think you need to let things develop organically. Back off a little bit , you’ve cast your net a bit wide there. Try joining in rather than organising ? You need to find people you have something in common with and click with, that takes time , you need to look for your people not any people.

@BeSharpHelper thank you but I didn’t do any organising in reception to year 2 and didn’t get invited to anything apart from class parties. I worked full time then and didn’t stay around so the mums arranged coffee amongst them rather than class. I tried to be the organiser thinking it would help. The mums just stick to who they knew in nursery and from playgroups etc, I thought making an effort to be inclusive would be nice especially for the new mums.

Also when I asked for advice about a year ago I was told I need to be the one who suggests play dates and meet ups as everyone is already friends and don’t need to Rea h out so I need to be the one reaching out. I’m so confused with everything! I wish I could meet mums like me and it did t have to be so bloody difficult. I’m not looking for a best friend just some mums to have coffee with and occasional play dates

I'm an autistic mum of several and I couldn't be bothered who likes me. The ones that matter do and make allowances for how I am. Socialising with strangers is way beyond my comfort zone anyhow. My kids apart from one all have wonderful social lives ages from 5-16 I'm just happy as I am or I end up masking to much and ending up ill with it.
Just to add the friends I do have are autistic and not from school since the vast majority don't get all it's different forms it comes in. Shame you weren't in my area would have happily had you over for a cuppa

Sorry to hear you're struggling, it does sound a bit mean that the other mums met for coffee without you, but perhaps they know each other already? Or it was just a last-minute thing?

I don't have any advice but from what you’ve said, I can't really see anything super off putting that you've done. I would say though that if you so are keen for proper friendship I'd maybe look to join a club or take a class in something that genuinely interests you, with the hope of meeting people with similar interests. As far as these school mums go, the only thing you might have in common is having kids the same age - that's probably not enough to base a proper friendship off.

It sounds like you're on friendly enough terms with these other mums to make chit chat at class parties of the school gates and I think that the level of friendliness most parents have, even if it looks like everyone is all buddy buddy.

I would say work can be a good place to make friends too, but you've mentioned that might not be the case for you.

Are there any old friends you've lost contact with? I've resurrected couple of friendships with people I'd lost touch with by sending a catch io message on Facebook.

Not sure if I've been much help, but for what it's worth you sound really nice and I hope you find the friendships that you're looking for.

Ps. If you want to message happy to exchange details watsap or messenger as you sound really nice

Look, OP, you need to untangle your thoughts here. For a start, keep your friendships separate to those of your children — it’s lovely when they happen to gel, but don’t push it or expect it. For another, don’t mix up your own loneliness with your desire to help parents new to the school, and don’t project onto them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that you responded to practical enquiries and were friendly, but there’s no reason to think they’re struggling or lonely, and they don’t owe you a coffee!

@BeSharpHelper is right. The majority of (generally perfectly nice) people you meet throughout life will not become your friends, because people need to be specifically drawn to specific individuals for friendships to work. It’s the biggest single error I see on Mn threads about loneliness: the idea that people are a generic mass and anyone willing and available will do to fill a ‘friend-shaped hole’.

Wait and see whether you are drawn to any of the new parents. And look in other places too — classes, book groups, choirs, sports, volunteering?

If you can find a hobby outside of work and school, that might be a better way to meet new people? So many mum friendships tend to sizzle out once kids reach secondary school. It’s also easier not to be too involved either, kids are always changing friends etc - avoids a lot of issues and competition.

A book club is a great way to meet new people, as is an exercise class.

You maybe need to stop forcing it and back up a little bit. The new school Mum's probably want to create their own little new Mum group without you jumping in with unsolicited advice all the time or they've already established their friendship groups from nursery and don't feel they want to change the group setup.

I do mean this kindly but if your super helpful and friendly approach isn't getting the results you want, you are probably being a bit too full on.

Have you tried joining hobby groups as you might find like minded people rather than random school Mums that you might not have anything in common with.

Finally, not sure how to word this without sounding mean so apologies but you mention your son is autistic, is he well behaved at school and kind to his peers or have their been incidents that maybe resulted in the Mum's being nervous of developing a friendship? Only asking as the autistic child in my sons class could be violent and my DS refused offers of playdates as he was genuinely scared of him which had the knock on effect that his Mum didn't get included in playdates at the park etc.

I haven’t said my son is autistic. He’s very popular and well behaved but due to the fact I’m not friends with the mums he barely had play dates. From reception to year 2 he had about 8 play dates in total

I have one in reception this year. If any other mum came up to me at the gates and said a fraction of what you’ve written here, I would make sure to chat to them every day I’m there. Approach a friendly mum and ask for a human connection. Don’t rely on WhatsApp etc. These screens aren’t making any of us better at this social stuff.
I appreciate that you have autism but I think my advice is still the same on this one.

People in real life are almost always really nice, when it comes to it.

By the way, none of this is meant to diminish your experience. School gates can be really overwhelming.

You do not need to make friends with any school mums. It is not a requirement. And if the multiple stories on here are anything to go by it is often unwise to make such friends. Stick with the small talk and pleasantries so that you can happily be in each other’s company when needed and otherwise just form friendships naturally elsewhere.

@CherryKerry “The new school Mum's probably want to create their own little new Mum group without you jumping in with unsolicited advice all the time”

lol! I’m not giving unsolicited advice 🤣 it literally things like “does anyone know what time x club finishes” type questions. By the time I look at phone others who also know as been there for past 3 years have had a chance to reply but don’t so I reply. No undolictied advice from me. Mumsnet is so funny sometimes thank you it made me laugh

That’s loads of school play dates for a very young child (in my world at least!) so I wouldn’t say your lack of friendship with the mums is impacting his play dates at all!

im sorry you’re feeling lonely, i do agree with what others say that actually school mums aren’t the best place to look for friendships. Definitely start up some new hobbies and find some more like minded people to try and develop relationships with.

Are you genuinely looking to build friendships or are you lonely/socially isolated and trying to find people to fill the void?

I ask that because I’ve never met anyone who has actually developed strong, lifelong friendships from a school gate association. I’m sure it happens, but it’s more common for these relationships to fall apart when kids move schools/stop being friends etc. Then there is bitchiness and cliques and the drama that you don’t want to be a part of… just be polite and smile, small talk where needed and drop off/pick up your kid and go.

The best true friendships I have are ones I’ve made independently from my child. Through school/university, through work (current and former), through sporting/hobby clubs, volunteering group - meeting people this way allows a relationship to grow organically over time with people that share a common interest with me, not just we happened to be parents of children similar in age.

Just because your children at at the same school does not mean you become bff's

School should be in addition to a normal fulfilled life it is not up to school parents to provide this service

If you've not tried to befriend them before now they may already have established friendships after three years or more. I worked a lot more hours than many of the mums but through getting involved helping out with school events to the extent I was able to I knew almost everyone in the school at one point and had a nice network of acquaintances. With that, parties, playdates, and when I was there in the playground I had a network of people who were not my bosom buddies but a community and we could rely on one another for mutual assistance with lift sharing or a coffee and a chat.

I think by year 3 people get busier, most people are back to work. It gets easier to build friendships through sharing lifts to kids hobbies, chatting on sidelines at football etc. Or just through your own interests? What do you like to do for yourself?

That’s an unusual school set up-do the 25 who join your school in year 3 come from all different schools or do they all come from the same one, so already know each other?

School is for your kids benefit. Don't worry about the school mums.

Just keep it polite and look for friends elsewhere

I think most parent friendships are born from getting together with the kids. I would organise a play date with the kids of the parents you'd like to be friends with, even if its drop off only. You'll have a chat with them at the beginning and end and they'll begin to get to know you. Then you build up to a coffee without kids.

I am autistic and when you say you try and copy social skills from TV, what exactly do you mean? I’ve seen kids who do this and generally it’s a bit off putting because these social skills are not real, they’re played up for TV and you can tell.

Generally when it comes to pick up I just try and get in and out as fast as possible, I only have one mum friend and she’s actually a grandmother who looks after her DGC. If you don’t gel with them, you don’t gel and you can’t force it. Neurotypical people generally find it very annoying when you try and force it in my experience. I think you should just cut your losses and look elsewhere for friends.

I think even with high functioning masking autism, it’s obvious to NT people. It can be just something that feels “off” or they can tell you are not being your true self. I’m not ND but I get on with ND people well and also work with them and so I see how people react to them a lot.
My close friendships with people have come from being real, funny, relatable, empathetic etc. People who start these friendship threads always say “I’m polite, nice, helpful” that’s not usually what people want from friends, well it’s only a small part anyway.