I think the school mums don’t like me

[Makingfriebds]

I’m autistic but high functioning. I hide it very well and people close to me are shocked when I tell them and some even laugh thinking I’m joking! I try to copy social skills I see around me and on tv but I feel really upset and I hope someone can help me.

Context - my DS in a school where reception to year 2 they have one form entry school then at y3-y6 2 form so a completely new group of around 25 kids join and classes are mixed so half new and half “old” class kids.

Beyond the small talk I don’t seem to make deeper friendships. This year I thought I would try with the new mums and honestly I’m not just saying this but I’m also trying for them as I felt they must be lonely and finding things difficult so I felt I should make more effort with them and they have appreciated me reaching out and answering questions about clubs, homework and pe uniforms etc. whoever anyone has a question I respond as helpfully as I can.

I asked on group WhatsApp if anyone fancied getting a cup of coffee after drop off (I know half of the mums already bear in mind and we often say hi and have previously had coffee mornings and been to each others home) I thought this would be nice for the new parents to meet everyone. No one responded but day before the suggested coffee morning 3 people responded with it will be so lovely but I already am going XYZ. They suggested another one following week or after.

I messaged those mums separately and they seemed so lovely and we arranged just us 4 in cafe near school following Friday. I got there early after drop off. One had cancelled night before which I understand. The other 2 cancelled when I was already sat there! I responded warmly saying no problem at all and these things happen. I felt embarrassed sitting there waiting as I saw other mums from the other class who I already knew from reception when I entered and said hi then said I’m waiting for the new mums for coffee. So embarrassing sitting there waiting!

yesterday I went to grab a take out coffee before heading home and I see 3 of them sat there! I was really upset but smiled and said hi.

I have really tried over the years with lots of people so is it time I just accept I will never have friends? I feel so lonely. I turned 40 last year and that’s when it hit me I don’t have any girlfriends to have dinner or drinks with. When my kids leave I’ll be alone. My DH is autistic too so has zero friends. I feel so alone. My son has been playing with the new boys and I have asked the mums to come around my home or meet in park for play date but they haven’t responded.

Any tips please?

I work in a sector where I believe majority of my colleagues are also autistic and don’t want to socialise after work. I have tried.

The people that say they are shocked you are autistic and that you are close to, who are they?

You admit to masking and copying social skills. If you are not being who you actually are then people may very well be subconsciously picking up that you are trying to hide something so something will feel slightly off. They may even be unaware it’s happening.

How rude of them. That’s dreadful behaviour

I really like the parents of the children in DC class this year, we have a chat at class parties and playdates etc. I never go to coffee mornings etc it has zero to do with liking or not liking, it’s just time.

Honestly some will be forming close friendships through school but the vast majority of oeople scuttle in and scuttle out. Don’t take it personally at all. Also I will take DD to playdates with people she likes not necessarily people I like. I think in younger primary it is often parent driven but I wouldn’t assume number of playdates has anything to do with you personally. It may just be that you asked the wrong people. If i had the time I would probably go on a coffee date with whoever asked me but most people need to really warm to someone to go to the effort and that takes a bit of time. Just give it more time and then ask someone you consistently get on with.

I'm 53 and have no friends. I'm very likely autistic but I'm not interested in pursuing a diagnosis at my age.

My DH is my best friend and we are just fine .

Everyone told me , oh you'll make friends with the other mums when DS starts school. Well, we would chat at the school gates and everyone was friendly, but there was no socialising beyond that.

DS is in secondary school now and the only other parents I've met at home school have been his friends parents when they come to collect their son from our house after a visit. And now the boys are older they don't come to the house anymore but text their son that's they will be there at X time and to come and to meet them at the car.

I have various hobbies and acquaintances and a social life through those. But I don't see any of them outside the hobby events. There are people I chat to in the gym, a singing ensemble I'm in, and an occasional walking group.

Not once has anyone expressed an interest in going for a coffee or anything else being the shared hobby activity.

This is life, I'm content, I accept this is who I am and the only people really interested in me are my family.

They're just not your people. It's a common theme on mumsnet that people try to make friends at the school gates. I just don't think it's an ideal environment. Like you said people have their friends and a lot of he time people are in survival mode, getting the kids to school while focusing on what they need to do next.

I live in an area I'm not from. I'd never had any hobbies before but randomly picked one I thought I'd like and made a great group of much more like minded people.

The biggest hurdle to making friends is being in the market for friends when enough other people you're around are in the market for friends too.

Lots of parents already have enough connections when their DC get to school age, and certainly by the second or third year. The parents you saw talking may well already know each other, or just have briefly bonded over some quirky difficulty of being one of the new mums. But it doesn't mean they're going to become life long friends. The school yard may seem full of people you assume are lonely, but more likely they're busy.

The normal advice for finding friends is a new club or a new volunteer gig. These aren't magical activities, but they put you in new and easily changeable orbits so you can see if there are other people looking for friends too, and if not, move on to something else.

It doesn't sound like you are being rejected as not friend material by these folks, it just sounds like they aren't interacting with you with friendship on their radar. So find people who have.

I agree with all of this. I think you are expecting too much OP.

I am a very sociable person with lots of friends and I dont know of any at all who made a life long friend at the school gate. I know there were a few groups of mums at the gates who used to chat but from what Ive gleaned, now that time is over, they no longer see each other

I dont think school pick ups are the best opportunity to make good friends personally. People are often in a rush and a bit stressed. I think you'd do far better making friend from joining clubs, attending hobby groups and things you are genuinely interested in, etc

Honestly, I think many of those friendships are superficial anyway.

I really think the school my child is in seems very different to the ones I hear on mumsnet because the mums in my sons class are friends and people have made lifelong friends. I know for a fact they only met in school reception class and did not know each other before (I asked how they know each other). These groups of mums go on holiday every year together, do events together, go for drinks and dinner weekly. I don’t agree with people saying you don’t make lifelong friends at school gate! My sister has had her group of friends since kids started school - the children in question are all in their 20’s and don’t speak as they are so different but the mums of the boys and girls who started reception together are still friends. I know this as they are always there during big moments in my sisters life - milestone birthdays, anniversaries and my sister has been in tons of girls weekends away with these mums. I have 2 sisters and both are the same and both told me I would also make friends at school.

Even older work colleagues have told me the mums at their kids school are their friends still and they couldn’t have survived the years without them.

I really think this is one of those things which is normal to have school friends but in the bubble of mumsnet it’s seen as weird.

everyone needs social interaction and their tribe, we are not solo creatures and as said by someone in another thread which stayed with me was of course seeing the same people 2x a day 5 times a week for years is the best place to have friends, lots of people make lasting friends at school gate and that’s what I’m grieving not having had that but it doesn’t mean one day I won’t, my son is so young yet I still have time. It doesn’t matter if all the readers of this post rather drop off and pick up without a word to another soul as that’s their right to want this but I want to make friends. I might be subconsciously choosing there’s of people on mumsnet in real life who just want to drop off and pick up and no more so I need to focus on the mums who genuinely are friendly and want to get along with the mums that will be in their kids life for next 11 years! It’s an all through school to 18.

Not all schools, school parents, school children basically everything in life is not the same for everyone

Surely you must understand this?

I could have written your post myself Op! I feel exactly the same and suspect I am also autistic. I have made lots of acquaintances at the school gates, but can’t seem to get past that. It becomes apparent when I ask other mums what they got up to at the weekend and they say ‘Oh I went for dinner with another mum’. It also feels extremely cliquey and either you fit with a clique or you don’t.

I agree with other posters that you need to make friends for yourself and not just because your children are friends. I initially focused on the mums of the children my DD liked, but it didn’t work out for me. I’ve started to get closer to a couple of mums whose children my daughter isn’t really friends with, so trying to focus on those relationships now. I’ve also joined the PTA to see if I click with anyone there. Good luck!

OP I mean this with all kindness but I think the overthinking and over investing is your problem here. You are putting a lot of stock in finding new friendships through school. Other people will pick up on this and it makes people feel quite pressured. To be blunt, it feels a bit desperate.

Using school as a place to build a friendship network is a risky approach because you are combining your hopes of friendship with your child’s needs. There are a lot of threads on here from people who feel let down that they haven’t met friends through school: it puts a unique kind of emotional pressure on meeting people which can make you feel really uncomfortable and paranoid.

The vast majority of parents don’t have the time or bandwidth to make lots of new friends on the school run, and a lot of mums have preexisting relationships. If you are overinvesting in this as a way to make a social life you are always going to be disappointed. You can make new friends through school but its not an entitlement and people don’t owe you friendship. This isn’t what school is for for most people.

I think you need to step away from school for a bit and focus on making friends organically with less pressure. Enjoy the company of other parents if it happens by all means but stop treating is as a project to meet new friends. The less pressure you put on yourself, the more relaxed and natural you will be and the easier you will find it.

@Sleightofhandtwistoffate thank you. Yes that really hurts doesn’t it. I asked a mum who I chat to regularly and our boys are best friends what she’s up to over the weekend and she also said she’s going into London for dinner and drinks with the mums in the class! She asked if I was invited and I said no to which she said oh shame well next time then. It really upset me.i don’t think it’s all of this but it seems like the majority of the “old class” mums

Honestly, this won't be what you want to hear but whatever you do & no matter how much you try they will find something to dislike about you. You'll meet some mum's you get on with but let it happen naturally.
I'm in my 50s now & have finally learnt to accept & genuinely enjoy my own company most of the time. Masking eventually becomes unbearable & absolutely exhausting.

People arent saying its "weird" - they are saying its uncommon.

You are talking like every single person you know made all their friends from the school gate and I am sorry, but I simply dont believe that.

If it were that common then more of us would be agreeing with you! Also, if its super common as you say then you wouldnt be struggling so much to even arrange a simple coffee date would you?

You’re right OP. There are definitely good friendships being made at the school gates. I was not particularly one of those people although I did have one good friend for a while that I made. However in year 6 I had a chance encounter with another mum on the train and we got on so well she invited me to her book group. Turns out to be a group of 10 mums who all met when their children were in the same class. These are a tight knit group of people… there are parties every year ( Halloween and Eurovision ) … camping.. theatre trips .. summer picnics etc etc. They were incredibly welcoming to me but their friendship ties are a bit stronger with each other than with me. I didn’t even know they existed because our kids were in different classes. ( incidentally our kids are all at secondary now in year 10). So yes it does happen but it’s not only place that a person can make friends. DH & I were out to dinner last night with a couple of people I got to know through tennis and today we’re out to lunch with another couple I got to know in the most random way. You don’t need to throw the towel in. It’s possible to make friends in the most random of places if you have an open attitude and are friendly. Certainly not everyone you like will like you but it’s never too late.

I think you just need to relax about it. It’s lovely that you’re reaching out but people are busy or maybe just a bit flaky. Don’t take it personally.
Keep things friendly then maybe when your child has made friends with someone new invite them for a play date or meet up at the park or soft play.

You could also look at any groups to join locally for yourself, Pilates/walking/community choir anything like that

Everyone needs social interaction and their tribe, we are not solo creatures and as said by someone in another thread which stayed with me was of course seeing the same people 2x a day 5 times a week for years is the best place to have friends, lots of people make lasting friends at school gate and that’s what I’m grieving not having had that but it doesn’t mean one day I won’t, my son is so young yet I still have time. It doesn’t matter if all the readers of this post rather drop off and pick up without a word to another soul as that’s their right to want this but I want to make friends

You are right that everyone needs their tribe but you seem to be putting all your eggs into the school basket and I think that’s where you are going wrong. You are putting huge pressure on yourself and other parents to make friends at school because you have told yourself school is the “best place to make friends”. A lot of us just don’t see it like that.

I am trying to be gentle because I know you are upset but you sound quite petulant about this, the way you are talking about mum friendships is almost as if you have paid for something and didn’t get what you paid for. I’m going to guess that your attitude is something people are picking up on, consciously or unconsciously. No one likes to be pressured into friendship: no one does it out of obligation. Its either there or its not.

You seem to be choosing to see it through an “all or nothing” lens where everyone is friends and you are excluded. In reality I think far fewer people than you think make longstanding friendships through school.

I really think you need to open up your alternatives in terms of making friends. School isn’t the only place to meet people and if you take the pressure off yourself at school you are likely to relax more when you are there. Do you have any hobbies?

@Thepeopleversuswork I agree with all of this

I think the needing to be friends with the parents thing is a total fallacy — at DS’s first primary, I barely knew the other patents by sight because work patterns meant I seldom did the school run, but I still invited children DS liked around to play by rearranging work periodically. (I thought one of the key things was to make it as easy as possible for the other parent, so I would take the child home from school with DS and drop them home again later where possible.)

Also, eight play dates in three years doesn’t sound particularly few to me! It sounds well within the realms of normal.

At DS’s second primary, I certainly made a group of lasting friends, so I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but those were specific individuals I was drawn to. Not just ‘people who happened to be there’, vaguely friendly and available for coffee. Not everyone likes everyone, OP, and no one owes you friendship because you’re lonely. That may sound harsh, but I think it’s likely to be more helpful than ‘There, there’ platitudes.

At DS’s first primary, people didn’t particularly like me (once I changed jobs and was on the school run more). We were just very different types of people, plus most of them had known each other for a long time, whereas I was a foreigner and newcomer. And that was fine. They weren’t particularly my cup of tea, either. (I made friends at work while we lived there.) The other mothers who see one another regularly at your school are friends, presumably because they specifically like one another . It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you! Not everyone likes everyone. I think it’s best to understand that, and start approaching other people in terms of ‘Do I like this person?’ and not ‘I’m lonely, and spot a chance to befriend the new mothers!’

ETA And exactly what @Thepeopleversuswork said in both her posts.

I was once (in a long previous job for which I’d moved countries) the desperately lonely person, and I remember distinctly feeling that desperation and ‘shutout’ness. The thing is. It doesn’t work. It pushes people away.

No one wants to befriend the person who is essentially wandering about exuding ‘I’m LONELY! Anyone will do!’ vibes from their pores. That person is not seeing you as an individual they like, they’re seeing you as someone to fill a friend-shaped gap.

Do you actually need ‘deeper’ friendships from these school mums? Do you have your own friends from before?

The important thing with schools is to encourage friendships for your child. 8 play dates isn’t bad. I’d build on that though-try and arrange one a month for a bit. Invite different people over, do fun things they’ll enjoy like making pizzas or decorating biscuits?!

@MakingfriebdsI recognise this. I always felt I was on the outside looking in. I joined the pta and got to know mums from different years and they were much more inclusive. Try joining the pta and joining in that way.

I think it's quite easy not to be in the loop when you're working. I am autistic too and found that I made a lot of assumptions and took what people said at face value.

Do you ask your DS best friend and his mum round for a coffee and a play? Or for a meet up in the park?

I tend to find that it's easier inviting kids over who's parents I know well, partly because I know they won't judge the state of my house 😂 But I know them well because my DD is good friends with their DC and our friendships have been quite organic over the years and certainly not exclusive. My DD is quite a good facilitator as she has a confidence that I do not.

I found it much harder with my DS, if been working when he was in reception and assumed that everyone was good friends. Later on, I found that wasn't actually quite as I thought and some of these were very much friendships of convenience.

Have you noticed any other autistic/ND parents on the sidelines. I would find it hard to believe you would be alone in this and those people or groups might feel easier to relate to.

Sorry if this has already been said, but do your kids have hobbies? I have found that the parents I see at those week after week are the ones I find it easiest to move on from small with - partly because we also have the hobby to talk about I suppose. If they don't already do to any clubs maybe you could see if any of their friends do any they might like to join? If that is feasible or course (I know time and money can make it challenging).

The other thing might be to look for events or things happening close to where you live and then ask if anyone is going? Like a Halloween disco maybe? Or even trick or treating? Then you can chat if you see someone, but you don't actually have to arrange to do it together. I have found that people who live closest by are the easiest to socialise with because you can walk or do things more on a whim. But even then it's very up at down (e.g. we have school parent "friends" we are weekly in the summer, and then not for months and months).

If you are in the cafe and see other mums you know to speak to why not just pull up a chair and say mind if I join you? This is what I would do. There are situations where you don't have to "wait to be invited" you just push in and start chatting.