I think the school mums don’t like me

[Makingfriebds]

I’m autistic but high functioning. I hide it very well and people close to me are shocked when I tell them and some even laugh thinking I’m joking! I try to copy social skills I see around me and on tv but I feel really upset and I hope someone can help me.

Context - my DS in a school where reception to year 2 they have one form entry school then at y3-y6 2 form so a completely new group of around 25 kids join and classes are mixed so half new and half “old” class kids.

Beyond the small talk I don’t seem to make deeper friendships. This year I thought I would try with the new mums and honestly I’m not just saying this but I’m also trying for them as I felt they must be lonely and finding things difficult so I felt I should make more effort with them and they have appreciated me reaching out and answering questions about clubs, homework and pe uniforms etc. whoever anyone has a question I respond as helpfully as I can.

I asked on group WhatsApp if anyone fancied getting a cup of coffee after drop off (I know half of the mums already bear in mind and we often say hi and have previously had coffee mornings and been to each others home) I thought this would be nice for the new parents to meet everyone. No one responded but day before the suggested coffee morning 3 people responded with it will be so lovely but I already am going XYZ. They suggested another one following week or after.

I messaged those mums separately and they seemed so lovely and we arranged just us 4 in cafe near school following Friday. I got there early after drop off. One had cancelled night before which I understand. The other 2 cancelled when I was already sat there! I responded warmly saying no problem at all and these things happen. I felt embarrassed sitting there waiting as I saw other mums from the other class who I already knew from reception when I entered and said hi then said I’m waiting for the new mums for coffee. So embarrassing sitting there waiting!

yesterday I went to grab a take out coffee before heading home and I see 3 of them sat there! I was really upset but smiled and said hi.

I have really tried over the years with lots of people so is it time I just accept I will never have friends? I feel so lonely. I turned 40 last year and that’s when it hit me I don’t have any girlfriends to have dinner or drinks with. When my kids leave I’ll be alone. My DH is autistic too so has zero friends. I feel so alone. My son has been playing with the new boys and I have asked the mums to come around my home or meet in park for play date but they haven’t responded.

Any tips please?

I work in a sector where I believe majority of my colleagues are also autistic and don’t want to socialise after work. I have tried.

Actually, you’ve just reminded me of someone who makes sensible suggestions on Instagram — he goes as ‘lonelinessdoctor’, but he’s a clinical psychologist, and his brief videos always strike me as sane and helpful.

I think respectfully the issue is one of perspective and expectation.

What you are describing basically applies to everyone. Very few people are liked by everyone they meet. You only ever really “click” with a small handful of people.

The vast majority of people who you encounter are somewhere on a spectrum from indifference through to warm acquaintanceship. It’s widely said that few people have more than 2-3 proper friends.

Where people get into difficulties is when they “expect” friendship as a byproduct of being in a given situation: ie in the OPs case she seems to have anticipated that she would make loads of friends on the school run. Most people don’t and OP hasn’t but instead of being sanguine about it and moving on she has internalised this as a failure or rejection.

Some people are more capable of blending into the herd as a matter of expediency or they have the advantage of preexisting relationships. That doesn’t mean they are “better at friendship” it means they’re in the right place at the right time.

There’s very little one can do about that.

What you can control (possibly with counselling) is the tendency to “expect” friendships to happen and to become petulant when they don’t and to create a constant cycle of expectation and disappointment.

ND may be a factor but plenty of autistic people learn to manage this. I firmly believe that most of these problems are self inflicted. That doesn’t mean someone is deliberately being antisocial it means they’re framing every encounter as “this is a potential new friend” and then becoming angry when it doesn’t work.

If you reframe it as “this is a person I enjoy spending time with but have no expectations of” you immediately reset the dynamic, remove the pressure and allow things to develop organically.

You are assuming they are lonely because you are. But quite honestly it sounds like they don’t want to be your friend whether that’s because they already have enough friends or they don’t like you. I know that’s not nice to hear but frankly if anyone was interested they’d have taken you up on the offer. There might not be a specific reason, some studies show that people only have the bandwidth to associate with a set number of people and when those blocks are full they’re closed off to new friendships.

Or maybe you just don’t click. Or it’s the wrong time. I met my best friend peripherally through another friend when we were 23… and I had no interest in her friendship. We had very little in common and didn’t vibe. When we were 29 we had both been through some shit and met up again and we got on really well, we went for dinner… and now we do something pretty much every week. We had both changed and merged into a pair who now clicked. She still takes the piss out of me for not wanting to be her mate, but for me our friendship wouldn’t have worked any earlier. And she won’t admit it but the person I was would’ve pissed her off and she’d have ended up hating me.

There's not a whole lot you can do except keep inviting people and try and care less about the rejections (I know it’s hard). Eventually someone might click into place.

OP I feel people are dismissing your feelings.

Of course no one likes to be left out. Bonding with some school mums is not an unreasonable thing to wish for. It sounds like you are being thoughtful and reflective and it’s not working out, and you are sad about that. That’s understandable. You are not overthinking.

Friendship is difficult to engineer. Like an intimate relationship, we can’t define why it works and why it doesn’t. Nobody will know why you have not managed this. I do think it’s worth doing some social skills training as that could highlight stuff you aren’t aware of.

I am NT and am lucky as I find it easy to make friends. I met my best friend aged 40 at the school gates. Sometimes it works out. I have friends from all areas of life, but my school
parent friends are a special part of that, even though our kids are now at university or graduated.

I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and it’s not too much to want school mum friends. It makes the school years more fun, and also a valuable source of support. I would seek a couple of coaching sessions from someone who specialises in ND. They can really help!

ND may be a factor but plenty of autistic people learn to manage this. I firmly believe that most of these problems are self inflicted. That doesn’t mean someone is deliberately being antisocial it means they’re framing every encounter as “this is a potential new friend” and then becoming angry when it doesn’t work.
If you reframe it as “this is a person I enjoy spending time with but have no expectations of” you immediately reset the dynamic, remove the pressure and allow things to develop organically.

I agree with all of this, and I really don't think it's helpful to tell the OP she's doomed to a life without friends. This article is worth a read: https://www.autismlifecentres.co.uk/blog-2-1/2026/6/25/myth-autistic-people-cant-have-friends

If that were true, all NT people would make lifelong friends at the school gate, and ND people would never, ever make friends at all. As this thread alone demonstrates, neither is the case.

I think the OP has understandably built up high expectations of finding close friends at the school gate, partly because of conversations with people who have virtually promised her that this is what would happen. It's disappointing when reality doesn't match those expectations, but that doesn't mean she's failed or that there's something wrong with her. Perhaps her expectations were simply set too high and ironically that kind of pressure/need may well have affected how people responded to her.

It's a bit like dating. If I join a gym hoping to meet a partner because lots of people tell me that's where they met theirs and tell me its bound to happen and then it doesn't happen for me, it would be natural for me to wonder well crap, whats wrong with me??. But the answer may simply be that I'll meet someone somewhere else.

Not finding your people in one particular setting doesn't mean you won't find them elsewhere.

Does the OP’s child have SEN?