Do you remind family to see your kids on their birthday?

[HangryLion]

Its my kids birthday coming up and my husbands family are busy with pre arranged stuff. His brother and sisters haven't reached out to ask when they can come see the kids. Is it up to me to arrange, should I bother reaching out at all? Surely it's their responsibility to keep up the relationship. It' just sad I think!

People only see our kids on the day if its a Saturday/Sunday.

People and we have fullyime jobs and children are at school on weekdays. A call is fine.

Personally I’d wait to be invited as I would assume that you had your own plans for your child’s birthday which would take precedence.

We send out invites for the party, yes. I don't expect everyone to track and not miss a birthday.

We just organise it with them by reminding them it’s their birthday and telling them what their plans are. If they can come they will if they can’t fine!

My kids are the only grandchildren/niece and nephews of the family so I would expect them to remember their birthday. Both their birthdays fall on a weekend and I think I just expected the family to at least call and say hey when can we come see and so for their birthday etc.

If we haven’t talked to them and it seems like they’re not remembering I’ll text and say can’t believe johns 8 today! So they’ll text/ ring/ call with a happy birthday or organise to see us another day. People forget birthdays op, it doesn’t mean they don’t care/ hate them!!

I wouldn't expect family apart from GPs to either remember or be that interested in seeing kids on their birthdays. From your OP your DHs brothers and sisters are child free. I can't imagine why they would want to come to a kids party.

I don't think my child free brother has any idea when my DCs birthdays are, and I don't think he ever sent a present. My Dsis occasionally sent a present or birthday wishes via our parents/text. They were pleasant enough at whole family events, but didn't make special efforts to engage or entertain our kids.

Other people's kids aren't that interesting. Particularly if you haven't any of your own, but it's certainly not your job to remind them.

Different families do birthdays differently. My family don't see the each other/the children on their birthdays. We have never arranged to see each other on birthdays at any point in our lives once me and my siblings moved out of our family home. My DC get a phone call from the GP, a present will have already been given when we saw them last. Aunts and Uncles will transfer some money into their account and the kids text thank you which leads into a short text conversation. We celebrate birthdays just in our own nuclear families and the kids have parties with their mates.

Your in laws seem equally chilled about birthdays.

I would not respond well to someone trying to organise me like that. I will send things, call, go and see them when I can. Not when someone else thinks I should. It doesn’t mean I don’t care.

No, we wouldn't normally see family on my DC's birthdays unless we had organised something and invited them.

in our family we only expect to see nephews etc if we’re invited to a party for them, but we don’t live close. My parents have only ever been with their GCs on their birthdays once I think.

Up to you to send out a whatsapp: "we doing cake fior billy s 7th birthday on saturday at 5 pm. Come over"

I’d expect birthday cards and presents from family but not visits. We’ve never done that in our family. If you want them to visit, arrange a birthday tea.

If they can’t come on their actual birthdays then I guess they should make alternate times . But I wouldn’t call it their responsibility. They are not obligated . But it depends on the family relationships and how close you all are .
If you want them to come and are upset if they don’t then get on the phone and make arrangements with them because you seem to be the one that’s most sad over it .

No, I’d expect you to ring/message with an invite of when to come/what you are doing. That’s how it works in our families anyway.

’You’re welcome to come to on X date from Y time to celebrate DC’s birthday, for dinner/getting a takeaway/having cake/insert as required’
I wouldn’t want them all coming individually.

This would be considered odd in my family. There isnt an expectation that you go to visit a child on their birthday. People have lives? The world doesnt revolve around your DC.

I tbh dont expect anything. My parents live a long haul flight away. DH's parents are dead. He has a sister who I love and she sends a message every year asking me to remind her of the day, but tbh I do the same for hers. We only do gifts for christmas.

I don't feel it has any reflection on affection for each other- my SIL spent last weekend with us for example as she had a funeral to attend and we were close and we had a lovely time.

Why would you think it might be up to you to arrange contact with your husband ls relatives?
Does he do that for your relatives?

I wouldn’t miss my nephews’ parties for the world and I’m child free. I love organising their piñatas and party games. And of course I know when their birthdays are, I think that is a bare minimum and aunt or uncle should remember. I certainly find the three of them very interesting and want to spend time with them. I don’t think your experience is the norm.

I do think it has to be you inviting them over too though, OP. My sister lets me know when the kids’ birthdays are then I’ll ask her what the plan is for the day of their birthday (if not the same day) so I can visit them on their birthdays too.

I would have been surprised if GPS on both sides didn't do a card/present, but I certainly wouldn't expect in person visits from anyone.

I wouldn’t expect siblings/ in laws just to rock up on a child’s birthday without an invite. They probably think you’re organising a party with other kiddie friends. If you want a family do then it’s up to you and your DH to organise it.

I would expect you to organise things for your child’s birthday. In our family it has always been “Sarah’s birthday party is on Sunday at 2pm, would you like to come?” or “Jessica is doing an activity with her friends on Saturday so we were thinking about birthday morning tea with the family on Sunday, would you like to come?”

People are busy, everyone in our family (even grandparents in their 70s) work full-time, kids have activities after school every day of the week, we mostly all live in the same city but it’s a big enough city that a trek from one side to the other is a whole day’s outing.

And if the party/gathering is arranged at a sensible
time then people will generally all be there!

This.

When they were babies / toddlers / pre-schoolers, we'd invite Grandparents and local Aunts / Uncles / cousins round for a bit of a tea party usually on either the Saturday or Sunday nearest their birthday.
It wouldn't be a 'reminder' but an invitation to tea and cake and probably some sarnies etc.

I wouldn't expect anyone to call in on a different day - as well as us being at work and the dc at CM or school, the relatives would be at work, and early evening on a week night is NOT a good time to be calling in.

As the dc got older, they generally had one party with school friends, and we'd try and arrange a get together for the older relatives on a different day, so again, no, I wouldn't expect them to 'call round to see our dc' outside of when we arranged for them to come over to see them.

Edited to add
I wouldn't call in on my nieces, nephews or dgc either.
They'd invite us round for a birthday tea of sorts on a convenient day - usually the nearest weekend.
We tend to wish people Happy Birthday in the extended family WhatsApp, so even if someone didn't remember, they would be prompted by seeing the other messages.

I think you should invite them!

Otherwise they might think you have other plans (party for children only or a day out, etc).

I never expected my siblings to come and see the kids on their birthday, certainly not proactively, neither has DH. I probably invited them to a birthday tea or something when they were under 3, but no aunts or uncles have proactively volunteered to come see kids on their birthday, and I would never have expected it, even though 3 out of 4 uncles/aunts are very local.