Daughter not invited?

[Wanderlustfoodlover]

My daughter and this girl have been friends since preschool and the girl recently celebrated her 8th birthday. We found out that my daughter was not invited. That girl has been invited to all out parties since preschool and even to my daughter's 8th birthday party just a few weeks ago.

The mum and I are quite close and I am not lying, I am a bit hurt that my daughter was not invited. They don't go to the same school anymore but I do feel like she should have been invited considering the mum and I are very close friends and our families see each other quite often? I found out through a mutual friend who attends the same school as the girl and the girl blurted out to my daughter when we dropped by their place to give her a birthday present.

I actually regret even giving her a present because I felt like my daughter was left out. Aibu?

I haven't brought it up to my friend and I am guessing she assumes we don't know that they had a party. I don't know if i should bring it up or just let it go and keep my distance now.

If they are at different schools I can see why she might not be at the party, if it’s a whole class type party. But I’d expect them to do something with your DD. YANBU and I’d distance myself from them.

They don't actually sound like they are friends especially if they go to different schools. It sounds like they just spend quite a bit of time together because their parents are friends.

At 8 I think it's fair that this child can choose who she invites to her party and it's quite petty to say you wish you'd not given her a present simply because she didn't invite your daughter.

I think you are taking it far too personally. The kid has invited her school friends that she sees everyday. The kids can still be friends out of school. You sound quite mean wishing you hadn’t bought a gift that you were happy to buy before you heard about the party.

You don’t say how your daughter feels about all this? Does she want to still be friends?
Maybe it was a limited numbers party and they felt that your DD wouldn’t know anyone? She will be making new friends at her school.
DD was told about it, which must have been hard for her, especially as the friend was invited to DD’s party.
Moving forward it sounds like your friendship might not survive this but the girls might want to stay friends. They could have invited DD for a play date or something instead though.

I think you are overreacting. Numbers are often limited at parties and children at school together take precedence over outside kids as they see each other every day and it’s much harder to leave one of them out. It doesn’t mean the daughter or mum don’t like you both, it will just be logistics. The suggestion of a PP to withdraw from the friendship is way over the top. My child adores their similar and cousin but we don’t normally invite them to a party as numbers don’t work. It’s not a slight.

New school. Fair to ask school friends only.

I can understand why you feel hurt but just because you’re friends with the mum doesn’t give the right for your daughter to be invited. They have probably drifted being in different schools. Let it go.

You’re overreacting.

They’ll have invited people from the new school as part of befriending them. Mixing groups of friends doesn’t work well when you’re trying to make / cement new relationships.

Your dd wasn’t owed an invitation, they’re not reciprocal obligations. You give a party for your chosen guests because it gives you pleasure to do so. They do the same. Same with gift-giving. If it gives you pleasure give, if it doesn’t don’t.

What’s very wrong here is the underlying idea that you can buy people / friends / invitations etc with transactional gifts and invitations.

YANBU. I’d stop inviting them to your parties.

Does dd ask for this girl to be invited?

I understand why you feel hurt. You feel for your daughter and it also feels like there has been some subterfuge about the whole thing which the other mum will 100% be aware of and probably feeling a bit uncomfortable.

That said, it’s awkward at this age when there are different schools and separate friendships involved as the birthday girl is with a group of friends who all know each other and see each other every day.

Even taking that into account bearing in mind her DD was invited to yours, I would expect the mum to suggest a separate date to celebrate, ie going out for pizza or something rather than blindly ignore your DD in relation to the birthday.

I don’t think you should have considered withholding a gift for her though. If it was her own decision then she’s 8! If it was the mum’s then it’s not the DD’s fault.

Next time you see her I’d be tempted to say.. Oh what you end up doing for X’s bday and see what she says (some others would leave it though!)

To me if you are very friendly with the mum and see each other regularly its the secrecy that is the hurtful thing.
It sounds as though the mother has deliberately not said anything about the birthday party.
If she had mentioned before hand that there was going to be a party and apologised in advance that your DD wouldn't be invited and given a plausible reason then you wouldn't be so upset. I don't think your friendship with the mother will be the same after this.
Probably your DD won't be as upset as you are as she has her own circle friends at her own school.

It's always upsetting to be left out, but totally normal IME to invite school friends only.

It's understandable to be a bit hurt, but friendships evolve, and she presumably wanted school friends at the party. Sometimes it can be hard having 1 person whi doesn't know the rest. It seems a shame to throw away a friendship over this. I would just shift it to 'family friends' in your mind, and have days out/playdates together but not expect the girls to include each other in things.

You’re really going to have to take a step back from your child’s friendships, and grasp that they’re separate to yours!

My daughter moved schools when she was 8, and for her 9th birthday party she didn’t invite her best friend from her old school because she thought the dynamic would be ‘off’ if one of the attendees didn’t know anyone except her. She felt like she’d have to be babysitting her old friend because she didn’t know anyone else.

All this is great learning for your DD.

Sometimes life is unfair, relationships change over time and you have agency to invite whoever you want to your party! Your DD will learn from you and take on your cues if you are upset by her not being invited.

Based on your reaction I can see why she kept quiet. I expect she decided to just ask her DD to invite school friends. It can be awkward inviting one extra child from a different social circle as depending on that child they might seek out the birthday child's full attention as they don't know anyone else and prevent them from playing with other friends.
If you are close then surely you can get together to celebrate at a different time.

It's interesting that you only refer to how close you are to the mum, not how close the girls are to each other. It sounds like they are acquaintances rather than friends. An important distinction.

You are confusing being the mother’s friend with the daughters being friends.

You can be one and not the other.

I do feel like she should have been invited considering the mum and I are very close friends

No. You and the mother being friends does not mean the girls have to be. They don't even go to the same school. Accept they're not close and move on.

@Wanderlustfoodlover Yanbu to feel hurt. Your dd invited her dd to her bday party just a couple of weeks ago so rude not to invite her. I have a rule with my kids; you accept a bday invitation that means that you will have to invite the kid to yours. If you don't want to then decline invitation. Unless major fallout inbetween ofcourse.

If you are friends with the mum you can tell her that your dd was sad to find out she wasn't invited to X bday party. You have nothing to lose because either way the relationship has changed. Maybe there is a good explanation? In that case maybe the relationship can be salvaged.

At 8, they decide who they want to be at their parties, not you. If you are directing who your daughter invites to hers, it's time to stop. They will be far more aware of the dynamics of their friendship than you are. Because of the amount of time spent there, school plays a massive part in who they will be closest to. If you are making your daughter believe otherwise, you are setting her up to be hurt. And to say you wish you hadn't bought a present ...... you sound as if you haven't progressed far beyond childhood yourself. Let it go and give your child some breathing space.

Yes i agree. I think it's the secrecy that is the hurtful bit because we ring each other quite often and hang out and our children hung out together just last weekend..she did tell me they aren't planning to do anything and then only got us to find out from someone else that they did in fact have a party.

You haven't said how your daughter feels?

Think about what you want her to learn from this. I would suggest "not everyone can be invited to everything" and "don't take things personally".

Are the girls still friends or are you assuming they’re still friends/like each other because you’re close to the mother?

And on that note, are you sure you’re close friends? Could this be one sided?