Daughter not invited?

[Wanderlustfoodlover]

My daughter and this girl have been friends since preschool and the girl recently celebrated her 8th birthday. We found out that my daughter was not invited. That girl has been invited to all out parties since preschool and even to my daughter's 8th birthday party just a few weeks ago.

The mum and I are quite close and I am not lying, I am a bit hurt that my daughter was not invited. They don't go to the same school anymore but I do feel like she should have been invited considering the mum and I are very close friends and our families see each other quite often? I found out through a mutual friend who attends the same school as the girl and the girl blurted out to my daughter when we dropped by their place to give her a birthday present.

I actually regret even giving her a present because I felt like my daughter was left out. Aibu?

I haven't brought it up to my friend and I am guessing she assumes we don't know that they had a party. I don't know if i should bring it up or just let it go and keep my distance now.

Avoid who? This woman who has not been open with OP? Yes, she ahs caused drama.

The MNers who are reacting harshly to this.

The mum didn't tell OP because she was a coward and knew OP would react badly.

My mum always said not to mix friends from different circles and I have to say, on the whole she's been right. I think it's a tricky dynamic to manage and the mum and daughter probably just wanted to keep it easy and relaxed. I don't think it has to mean anything about their friendship and although I get that you're hurt your friend didn't mention it, a lot of people find being upfront about things hard because they don't want to hurt anyones feelings. So many people pleasers out there (including me!). She probably just hoped it would go under the radar, and sounds like you may have been a bit hurt even if she had something?

I think you are being unreasonable when the girls aren't at the same school. Good chance she has a group of friends in her class that she wanted to invite and inviting your daughter would of changed the dynamics of the party. By age 8 it is very much up to the child deciding who she wants to invite not the mother. You need to take this one on the chin and get on with it.

I would also be confused and a bit hurt. Basically it looks like you (and maybe your daughter) think this friendship potentially at both mother and daughter level is closer than they do. If that's the case you'll probably want to pull back.

So your choices are either pull back, or raise it with the mum in case there was some specific reason like very limited numbers, illness or whatever. That way in case there is information worth knowing, you haven't squandered the friendship unnecessarily.

Otherwise you just have to accept for whatever reason they don't feel as close to you as you do to them and recalibrate a little in response (this doesn't mean falling out).

Gosh, I would have been very hurt by that. Who were they inviting to the party if not you guys? It's a jungle out there.

Oh don’t! We have issues right now as we do class only parties (usually joint either similar birthdays in class) and have to stick to that as by time you factor in siblings & parents it’s already crazy! I know we’re no longer invited to other parties owing to this & thats ok. I do explain if they ask about party plans, but don’t volunteer the info! Everyone seems to do the same at our school. As they move through school it just doesn’t work well with different crowds not to mention numbers!

It's so tricky. She didn't tell you because it is difficult a hurtful, and she didn't want to upset you and your daughter, but she was wrong- much better to explain and apologise.

Some people are comfortable mixing friends from different places, others aren't. I would never mix friends from different settings and would generally not encourage my DDs to mix friends from different places. I think it stems from being made to invite my cousin to birthday parties and she'd know no one else, so I had to babysit her.

Obviously other people feel differently about that. So expectations are incompatible.

The secrecy isn't great. I'd probably have said X is having a party for her school friends, but let's get the girls together for a play date soon.

she did tell me they aren't planning to do anything and then only got us to find out from someone else that they did in fact have a party.

Initially, I was coming up with all sorts of good reasons why your DD might not be invited. But I will not be lied to. That's really awful. I would definitely distance myself from a family who are comfortable in lying to people's faces, especially those who are supposed to be friends.

I’d be really hurt by this!

The mother, your friend, deliberately lied and said they weren't doing anything when she had already planned a party puts a whole different perspective on it. Presumably her daughter was told to lie too but inadvertently told the truth.

You should say something but not in a confrontational way which gives her the opportunity to get defensive. Casually ask, preferably face to face, how the birthday went. Your 'revenge' will be watching her shock and then witness her attempts to extract herself. Then before she has a chance to bluster too much move the conversation on to something completely different and silly like comment on the wonderful range of food M&S have planned for Christmas. You will have the satisfaction of letting her know you know without losing face or worse bottling it up and feeling resentful.

The deliberate lie is what makes this different and would have me questioning just how much of a friend she is. She must have been aware there was a possibility you would discover the truth.

THIS!

I know we move in different circles and my daughter and her daughter are not in the same school anymore but it's the integrity and honesty. I wouldn't have mind if she told me honestly that we are having a party for few school friends only and I wouldn't have felt bad but the fact that she did have one and I found out about it makes me hurt so much for myself and my child. My child was hurt and she said she doesn't want to hang out with her anymore and I feel like that is a valid reason

@Wanderlustfoodlover I don't believe you would have just accepted that. Your daughter is taking her cue from you and she is learning to create drama unnecessarily

@Wanderlustfoodlover you could ask “who did you have over for X’s party” and see what response you get (whether she’s embarrassed or just says ‘oh it was just school friends’ or whatever). Then decide how you feel? Or “why didn’t you mention X’s party, I was bound to find out and didn’t know how to explain to DD”

And her truthful answer would be because I knew you would react badly and I was a coward

Why is that the friend lying to OP about no party is natural and fine but OP and her dd no longer wanting to hang out with them creating drama?

Double standard much.

The friend lying to OP is understandable as op reacted very badly, look at her original post. So the friend was a coward.

OP has been very upset at this and as a result her friend no longer wants to be friends with the other girl. It's all an over reaction.

OP should be saying to her daughter, I understand why you are upset, but lots of people only invite their school friends to a party. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or you should not be friends any more. Basically encourage her to put it behind her and carry on.

I found working with kids some parents would get really upset about friendship drama, and still be upset long after the kids had made up again. It's not helpful to your kids to react in this way. And kids need to learn they don't get invited to everything and sometimes people lie about hat as they are cowardly.

i did tell her in passing over our conversation today and she was speechless so i think i did put her in her place and walked off on a high note

That sounds astonishingly juvenile. Her child didn't invite your child to a party. There's no need for all this 'putting in her place' and 'walking off'.

They don't go to the same school anymore

And there we have it

Oh I really feel for you, because you must have struggled horrendously in the past with relationships

It will be all school friends invited.

YABU

I don't think this is the big win you think it is @Wanderlustfoodlover .

I do think the parent could have possibly suggested something with other friends who don't go to the school her daughter still attends, but basically, you are going to lose a friend you say you are close to here and for what? Getting huffy about a non invitation to an 8 year olds birthday party?

It’s not normal for birthday party invites to go to
mum friends once the kids are old enough to express a preference.

I know that the girls hung out last week but in all honesty, was it because the adults wanted to hang out? If the girls were at the same school and their mums weren’t friends, they might not even choose to hang out.

Is it possible that the girl has lots of friends and while she likes your daughter, she has other friends too? If it was a small party then your dd might not have made the list.

Yanbu that she lied to you about having a party. Even if she lied because she thought you wouldn’t find out, that was an awful way to treat a friend. She should have said it was just school friends or whatever.

If you want to be friends with the mum then maybe it’s time that you hung out without the girls. Maybe their friendship has fizzled out? Maybe they are very different? It’s ok not to invite to future parties, if you want to stay friends maybe just see each other during half terms etc?