Daughter not invited?

[Wanderlustfoodlover]

My daughter and this girl have been friends since preschool and the girl recently celebrated her 8th birthday. We found out that my daughter was not invited. That girl has been invited to all out parties since preschool and even to my daughter's 8th birthday party just a few weeks ago.

The mum and I are quite close and I am not lying, I am a bit hurt that my daughter was not invited. They don't go to the same school anymore but I do feel like she should have been invited considering the mum and I are very close friends and our families see each other quite often? I found out through a mutual friend who attends the same school as the girl and the girl blurted out to my daughter when we dropped by their place to give her a birthday present.

I actually regret even giving her a present because I felt like my daughter was left out. Aibu?

I haven't brought it up to my friend and I am guessing she assumes we don't know that they had a party. I don't know if i should bring it up or just let it go and keep my distance now.

She was probably speechless because it's really not a big deal and yet your acting more immaturely that the children in this situation.

This is not a high note and you've not put her in her place. All you've done is show her that you're a petty individual and likely ruined what sounds like a really nice friendship. It's weird you're bragging about how poorly you've acted.

I don't mind my daughter not being invited. I really wouldn't have minded that she told me we are doing a get together with her school friends etc. But to keep ringing me and talking to me and telling me that they aren't planning to do anything and they didn't do anything when they did... It is the lies I cannot cope with

Well cope with it
By the sounds of it you have lost her a friend anyway

My child was hurt and she said she doesn't want to hang out with her anymore and I feel like that is a valid reason

You've manufactured an awful lot of drama about not being invited to a party. I can see why she didn't want to tell you.

It was rather craven of her to pretend they weren't having a party, but if you get this worked up about a lack of invitation, I suppose I see why

It's not nice feeling your child is being left out, but parties get much smaller and are about the child's preference more by age 8. It's normal for th number of invitations to drop.

Would your daughter have actually known anyone other than the birthday girl at this party if the rest of the guests were friends from a different school?

If that’s the case, I can understand why they didn’t invite your daughter as she’d have looked like a spare part whilst the others were all playing together.

I think you’re being a bit silly to get so uptight about a birthday party invite and I suspect that the mum didn’t tell you the truth because she was afraid of your extreme reaction. And it transpires, she was probably right!

As you’ve seen on this thread and plenty of others, lots of posters encouraging each other to tell lies and half truths or become petty because they’re afraid of the risk of confrontation rather than be open, honest and upfront about things.

It’s a shame that that’s the lesson you’re teaching your daughter. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you also in primary school? 🤦‍♀️

I agree with you, I hate being lied to, you are not stupid and would have totally understood the school-friends only party.

Perfectly normal at this age to have a small party at home with just a few friends from school. It would be awkward to have a random who doesn’t know anybody else. Why don’t you invite her for a play date and they can celebrate together then?

It’s not that she wasn’t invited, it’s more she kept lying to you about not doing anything! She lied to your face and that’s quite hurtful in itself. At least you’ve told her that you know now. Might teach her not to lie to friends. Hopefully she’ll apologise and explain why she felt the need to lie. That way you can remain friends.

More likely you have lost a friend here.

Absolutely this. You are good friends with the mum , the children are friendly because of you

Good Lord, do not ruin a friendship of birthday party politics OP. Your friend is not being unkind!

My DD is in the same yr group as yours. We have close NCT friends, and the kids have always been very close (DD and one of the DSs are convinced they are getting married later in life), but the children do not go to the same school and it does make parties or birthday events a no-go. We haven't even tried to put the kids in each others parties since nursery, as they do not know each others friends and the birthday child doesn't want to be hosting just one friend who doesn't know any others. Plus party size limitations. Surely this is common?

As our DC are all born in the same month, we try to do a day out/cinema trip around the time of their birthdays, for all of them. Why not propose that next yr OP?

You've added these bits @Wanderlustfoodlover . There is nothing in your OP about her

ringing me and talking to me and telling me that they aren't planning to do anything

I think it's the secrecy that is the hurtful bit because we ring each other quite often and hang out and our children hung out together just last weekend..she did tell me they aren't planning to do anything

Really, is there? Her daughter had a class orientated party, she possibly doesn't feel as close to your friends daughter as you would like and is 'hanging out' with her because the mothers are friends and see each other.

You need to let this go but it might be too late.

It won’t be a loss as she’s a bare faced liar.

Or friend didn't want to rub it in.
It's normal to only invite friends from school and at that age. Children often find it weird and embarrassing to do something the friendship group might find odd.
YABU

She probably lied as you sound quite pushy. She probably felt it best not to tell you about the party else you might have got on your high horse too about that and said it was unfair your child wasn't invited and kicked off. Either way she couldn't win with you.

next time you see her just say ‘I hope Jessica had a lovely party’

I hope you’re not involving your daughter in this? The fact that she’s upset tells me you’ve told her about it and let her know your feelings about it. Rather than not telling her or letting her know and reassuring her it’s not a problem and that it was for school friends. Sounds like you’ve hurt your own daughter here.

Honestly, I don't think you can be upset about this.

School friends are the centre of a child's world at that age. Peripheral "family friends" aren't even thought of.

I grew up with a cousin who I was very close with, who lived about an hour away. When we were together, she was my best friend in the entire universe. But as soon as we were apart, I honestly didn't give her a single thought from one meet-up to the next.

This is a overreaction. She's invited some school friends to her birthday, that's perfectly normal.

At 8yrs you are starting to do more expensive things and numbers are often limited so can be politically really difficult at school if she was to leave a school friend out and instead invite your daughter.

I agree with you! It's the deception of a so-called friend.

The ones I've come across - relationship breakdown, moving for work... But the DH's parents bought in a rush and then decided the house wasn't right for them.

Ask.

If the adult friend had told op about the school party, op could have explained to her daughter that her friend was going to have school friends over but she could celebrate with her friend another day. They hang out often and it wouldn’t be difficult to sort out.

Tbh I would have been a little hurt for my child but would have got over it… ultimately i know this response is silly, but then feelings can be silly sometimes

As it is op has a hurt child who got no explanation other than her friend had a party and she wasn’t invited. At 8, if this had happened to me, I would’ve said that I wouldn’t invite her to my party again and I wouldn’t want to see her.

the lies caused the issue, and I think mentioning the cat is out of the bag is better than brooding about it…got to say expecting an 8yo to lie is extremely unlikely to work for more than 5 minutes… so ops mums friend is a liar and also stupid 🤣

Yanbu it’s not a nice way to behave. The decent thing would have been to tell you that her DD is having a party and can only invite x amt of people or it’s a class party only. Then you’re all clear and you can explain to your daughter with no hard feelings.

I think you’re showing your daughter that her feelings matter. You can tell her it’s OK that she wasn’t invited to the party, that’s her friend’s choice. It’s not OK that they didn’t have the decency to let her know, after you’ve all been fairly close friends for a number of years.

I think you’re being abit unfair. When you invite someone to a party and they only know you, you kind of have to play with them the whole time or they’ll be alone. She prob just did school friends who all know each other as this is more fun and no responsibility to ensure your daughter is included.