Daughter not invited?

[Wanderlustfoodlover]

My daughter and this girl have been friends since preschool and the girl recently celebrated her 8th birthday. We found out that my daughter was not invited. That girl has been invited to all out parties since preschool and even to my daughter's 8th birthday party just a few weeks ago.

The mum and I are quite close and I am not lying, I am a bit hurt that my daughter was not invited. They don't go to the same school anymore but I do feel like she should have been invited considering the mum and I are very close friends and our families see each other quite often? I found out through a mutual friend who attends the same school as the girl and the girl blurted out to my daughter when we dropped by their place to give her a birthday present.

I actually regret even giving her a present because I felt like my daughter was left out. Aibu?

I haven't brought it up to my friend and I am guessing she assumes we don't know that they had a party. I don't know if i should bring it up or just let it go and keep my distance now.

By this age my children were choosing who to invite. It’s not about mum’s friends any more.

if she is at a new school inviting new classmates is normal to get to know people

Did the girls hang out, or did you and the mother meet up, bringing the girls? It's not the same, as much as you want it to be.

If everyone else was from her new school it might have been a bit awkward and there may have been limited numbers, don't take it personally. I wouldn't invite the girl next time. Children do drift apart when they start going to different schools it's pretty inevitable that their closest friends come from their current school.

I have an old friend with a daughter the same age, born just two days apart. When they were little they were always invited to each other’s parties, but once they got to school age that started to change as they went to different schools and had separate friendship groups. They went to each others’ parties till about Year 1. My daughter is quite sociable so fitted in with a load of strangers, but my friend’s daughter is shy and felt awkward being with people she didn’t know. By Year 2, neither were going to each other’s parties, but still played happily together when my friend and I met up or went on outings together. (And they still do occasionally as adults!)

I was with you until you mentioned that the kids go to different schools. That makes a difference in my opinion. When we have a school party it’s usually just for school friends and we never invite my kids’ best friends who live in another area and go to different schools…it’s just a different crowd. They do the same. Their friends won’t know anyone else there and it can be a bit awkward. I don’t agree with the secrecy of it though, that was a crappy thing to do. I’d find it unfair that you have invited her but she hasn’t invited your daughter. I understand your hurt.

My daughter was recently not invited to a close classmate’s party. They are in the same class, spent all of their school time together and we regularly have that child over for play dates. I have also invited her to a bunch of activities with (mini golf, bowling, etc where we have paid for her to join in. I’m also constantly doing the mum favours, picking her up from school, taking her to birthday parties, etc. at the mum’s request. My daughter was quite hurt she wasn’t invited and so was I, especially since the friend was bragging about the party to my daughter. I have now stopped doing favours to the mum.

My best friend has a son a few months younger than my daughter.
They've grown up together and they are friends (in fact, they call eachother cousins).
I don't always invite him to her birthday parties - some are class parties, others have been girls only.
It happens, move on.

Well you can’t blame her for feeling awkward given how you are reacting!

If you want to blow up the friendship that’s of course your choice. But:

(a) you are unreasonable to expect your friend’s daughter to want to hang out with yours when they’re at different schools and it doesn’t sound like they’re really friends in their own right;

(b) you are unreasonable to expect an invitation to the party where it’s a separate social group. All the other kids/parents will know each other and it would no doubt be even more awkward for your daughter;

(c) making a big deal over this generally is unreasonable and if I were the friend here I would be reconsidering whether I wanted to maintain a friendship with someone so needy and petulant.

If she's only invited school friends its quite normal to not invite non school friends.
She probably lied because she felt bad given you did invite her DD.

It’s just a party, maybe she just wanted school friends maybe she was only allowed 8 and that’s all the girls in her class and she didn’t want to leave anybody out. There’s lots of reasons, it hurts but it’s just part of growing up.

At this age girls would be aware if one girl might not fit with the others in a particular gathering.

Well the lying is a big red flag! Why would they prefer to tell you that they weren't planning anything for their daughter's birthday rather than just inviting your daughter? The exclusion is bad but the deceit is worse. I'd pull back from the friendship.

I think around 7+ is the age when "mixed friend" parties stop working and they move to classmates only. As you're fairly close with the mum, it would have been better if she'd actually articulated this to you. Let it go, don't invite her DD to your DD's next party and say exactly what she should have said to you this time - dynamics move on and parties are now classmates, nothing to stop you doing something separate with her if you want to though.

Wow rude and dismissive. She's barely reacted. Get a grip.

I’ve a totally different opinion on this type of thing. There is great freedom imo in not having a tit for tat friendship style.
You’re not tied down to doing anything you don’t need or want to. Enjoy the friendship for what it is, I don’t think her intention was bad but it was probably easier to have a school party.

If you’re annoyed then take a little initiative and mention you heard about the party and it’s ok. You understand different schools will be tricky and hopefully you and the kids (or not) can remain friends.

Live and let live OP it’s far easier than being disappointed with how others do things.

You seem way too invested in this, children dont get invited to everything it is up to you as a parent to keep this in perspective, it is not some weird reflection on you, it is life

My daughter has a good friend since they were 3. Last year (they were 7) the friend moved schools. My daughter was invited with some other frieds to this girls birthday and some of her new friends. Two distinct groups. I doubt our group will be invited this year. She must have surely moved on. My daughter didn´t invite this girl to her summer birthday and now she is 8 she decides who to invite.

I can see why you are hurt by the secrecy do Mum definitely should have said something to you....the fact she didnt is quite telling. She is not a friend.

If it was school friends only I think you are being unreasonable. I know a few of my daughters friends outside school would monopolise her worries and time at a school friends party. One because they get into a bubble together and the other because of autism and she'd worry about her. Instead I make sure she celebrates her birthday with these people a different way - dinner or a shopping trip out. It might also take a few weeks to organise too.
The mum likely didn't want to upset you instead of biting the bullet head on and saying do you mind if we celebrate separately? If you are good friends anyway I'd let this go and then make sure you do the above when it's your daughter's birthday so you set precedent.

If they had gone to the same school then yes it would be odd but since they are not I don't think it's very unusual.

That seems a bit sneaky on their part.

Agree with socialbattery, that is sneaky.

I wouldn't invite them anymore.

She may have had a class party and only invited people from her class and not other friends as it would bump the numbers up too much. We've all been there though and felt a bit hurt over things on behalf of our child. It's normal.

I try and avoid people who cause drama like this.

Your daughter should invite who she wants to.

I wouldn't bring the subject up. But if I felt strongly then wouldn't invite her to any future parties. It's probably because all the girls invited knew each other and went to the new school.

That’s a tough one. Yes probably a whole class party, or else the friendship is fizzling out. You can’t force a close and genuine friendship between girls that age. If you value your friendship with the mother, honestly just let it go. You can still invite them to things if you want, but you no longer need feel obligated.