To find gift giving and receiving really stressful and wish we could just stop

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

I have 2 close family members with birthdays coming up and I have no idea what to buy for either of them. I try to choose thoughtful gifts that are within my budget but they dont really need anything and I feel like I've exhausted all my ideas over the years. And then before long I'll need to buy Xmas presents as well!

It's the same with receiving gifts - I'm appreciative of anything I'm given but my house is very small and I haven't got room for any more 'stuff'. The only things I really want cost way more than anyone would be able to spend on me and I'd feel uncomfortable if they did. And if I see something small I'd like I tend to buy it as you can guarantee it wont be in stock if I wait and ask for it for Xmas/birthday.

Some things I've tried before anyone suggests them:

• Secret Santa for close family. Helps a bit but various people wont take part so I still need to buy separately for them
• Buying experiences for my partner and he does the same for me. This is great but he still likes to buy other things and then I feel I should reciprocate
• Asking for money or vouchers and giving the same. This is ideal in some ways but youre basically just swapping money and it feels wrong giving eg my elderly mum £20 in a card!

AIBU to think most adults* dont need any more stuff and gift giving and receiving is a massive pain in the arse?

*Obviously referring to your average person who is working and reasonably OK financially.

Years ago, I asked the adults in my family to please give any money they would have spent on gifts for me to charity instead. Otherwise it does get out of control with such a massive family. I only buy for the kids and I don't expect anything

We stopped buying presents for over 18s many years ago and it's been liberating . I give money to under 18s unless they tell me what they want . I used to find Christmas very stressful because of the present buying so get where you're coming from. If people don't want to do secret santa then give a voucher and stick to your guns . It's all got so ott !

Gift giving is complex and a potential social minefield. it is also important for showing people you care and strengthening social connections.

if you don't want to get / give clutter, then the cards from Oxfam where you give a 'goat' are always good.

also, give or receive things that are consumable - food or a book or a nice soap. then you don't have to fill your house with junk.

and if you are given something you don't like, don't be afraid to say thanks effusively and give it to the charity shop the next day. it is the social gesture of giving that matters, not the object itself.

I agree, we all have so much stuff, its difficult to come up with ideas for gifts.

If you just completely stopped with the gifts and just gave people a nice card, they'd soon get the message and reciprocate. Its just being the first one to do it. We all care too much about being thought tight.

It sounds as though you’ve tried, so your next move is to stop giving gifts - just get a nice card.

I gave the goat gift card to my Mother one year, and she was very happy with that. We all have more than enough things, in my family, and have no need for more pointless items being purchased just because it is Christmas, or what have you. I may buy small token gifts, such as a nice tin of shortbread, or something, that can be eaten, and appreciated, but not things that will just hang around, unwanted, and clutter up the place. This causes me no stress whatsoever, as I know what they like, and if it did, I would cease doing it. I know that whatever is given will be used.

I do not give or receive with anyone expect partner and two kids, plus my niece and nephew. I’ve banned gifts for my upcoming wedding.

just stop if you want to OP. You don’t need anyone’s permission

If your relatives insist on gifts buy everyone a paperback novel (3 for £7.50 at The Works) and a chocolate Santa.
Books can be passed on easily and Santa gets eaten.

I do think presents and the amount of time and energy, not to mention money, devoted to them is absurd. We stopped swapping gifts years ago. If you feel you still need to give gifts just stop overthinking and get them a box of chocolates, tin of shortbread, or bottle of wine.

About 5 years ago all my adult family agreed to no more presents for birthdays and Christmas. We all have more than enough 'stuff' and the endless buying of more of it seemed bananas, a waste of money and a nightmare for the environment. Instead we meet up and have a great day together at Christmas and a couple of times a year. Great food, lovely places, really relaxing and hundreds of pounds saved.

It was so successful I suggested the same to my friends who all jumped at the idea.

I honestly can't tell you how relaxing it is. Now we all enjoy the run up to Christmas rather than tearing around buying crap for people who don't want it and get to enjoy a day together.

So stop? The only people I buy presents for are DS, DH and my godsons.

Also stressful is ( I am referring to extended family members), is the assessment of what has been purchased. Was enough spent ?
Truly kills any pleasure of sending a gift.
Unprompted thanks only from one. I know if I sent what my aunts used to send to me there would be actual anger from some quarters.

We have a rule in our extended family that we only buy for kids, adults on big birthdays only. So for Christmas coming I’m only buying for my kids and nieces. I do get my mum and dad a bottle of something but that’s it. They similarly just buy for the grandkids. We started about 4 years ago and my god it’s been liberating!

Also, for my big birthday last year I still didn’t want a load of tat so asked for bookshop vouchers and got plenty, it was a dream!!

I agree, DH always spends a ridiculous amount on DSS and his birthday is mid November and he or I should say we, do the same for Christmas, DSS is 27.
I used to love Christmas and birthdays, buying or making cards, and taking time choosing gifts. Now it is a chore and I don't want to spend the money.
If i say lets cut down, DH says no lets just do it.

I wish my in laws would agree to stop. Its just DH and myself but MIL gives some awful things, primark onesie 3 sizes too small, black nylon balaclava to DH, DVD's etc. One year she yelled at DH because SHE had set fire to the reed diffuser thinking the sticks were incense!

Either have a discussion with your relatives and agree to stop, or give edibles or consumables.
-mini hamper of crackers/cheese/chutney/jams
-alcohol
-voucher to say cook or other food outlet
-voucher to a garden centre tea rooms
-bird feeder and bag of seed
-DH and I did this class a few years ago together and make sushi often https://yosushi.com/sushi-school

Thankfully I put a stop to pretty much all random gifts years ago due to specific circumstances. Nowadays, the people that I still exchange gifts with all appreciate consumable ones

With food costs increasing, and an eye on budgets, special items have been reduced, so that's what we gift. Might sound daft, but a large block of nice parmesan or some decent olive oil can be quite appreciated

I think a big part of the issue is that it is Christmas EVERY DAY now. If you want something, order it, it's delivered, enjoy. (within people's budgets I mean).

Years ago, Christmas was for special treats that you wouldn't get any other time, but now..... nothing is special anymore, everything is there with a couple of clicks. I mean who the hell wants another pair of socks, or a bar of soap, a set f PJs or whatever. Most people have those things from every Christmas going back years, put away as no use for them.

The notion that people have time and energy to select a gift that is useful, the recipient would like, doesn't have ten of them already, etc. is a huge burden on many busy people.

I know gift giving is a nice concept but it should be confined to young kids and special occasions. IMV!

I give vouchers and money to the under 21s only at Christmas now. Over 21s all very relieved and we all do that now. Doesn't mean we don't love and care for each other as before!

Can you not just have a word and say that going forward you're just doing cards? I honestly wish I'd done that years ago tbh. I just buy of my dcs now which is difficult enough, but wish I hadn't have wasted my time on some very entitled adults.

We dont do presents anymore, all the children in the family are now adults.
I get a small token like a book or chocolates for anyone we are spending Christmas day with as it's nice to unwrap something in the morning, so this year that will be 4 or 5 presents, everyone coming is doing the same we have a limit of £20 per person..so that's still £80 l am spending on not buying presents.

Have ditched gifts

except for immediate family. Where it’s buy what will be needed with the recipient choosing and save it for birthday or Christmas

Same we dont need anything its just pointless

I don’t know the answer but I feel your pain

So get you. I am very glad I don't do Xmas ( not Christian). For birthdays, I ask for experiences, or a bottle of my fave perfume which is used up quickly and takes little space. I have one friend who keeps giving me expensive gifts though and won't be told! She lives in Spain, so now I just tell her to get me olive oil. But she still gets me expensive cosmetics I never use.

I stopped giving and receiving gifts in my 20s. I am now in my 60s.

I buy nice food or drink products. I enjoy the looking and get them sent direct.