To find gift giving and receiving really stressful and wish we could just stop

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

I have 2 close family members with birthdays coming up and I have no idea what to buy for either of them. I try to choose thoughtful gifts that are within my budget but they dont really need anything and I feel like I've exhausted all my ideas over the years. And then before long I'll need to buy Xmas presents as well!

It's the same with receiving gifts - I'm appreciative of anything I'm given but my house is very small and I haven't got room for any more 'stuff'. The only things I really want cost way more than anyone would be able to spend on me and I'd feel uncomfortable if they did. And if I see something small I'd like I tend to buy it as you can guarantee it wont be in stock if I wait and ask for it for Xmas/birthday.

Some things I've tried before anyone suggests them:

• Secret Santa for close family. Helps a bit but various people wont take part so I still need to buy separately for them
• Buying experiences for my partner and he does the same for me. This is great but he still likes to buy other things and then I feel I should reciprocate
• Asking for money or vouchers and giving the same. This is ideal in some ways but youre basically just swapping money and it feels wrong giving eg my elderly mum £20 in a card!

AIBU to think most adults* dont need any more stuff and gift giving and receiving is a massive pain in the arse?

*Obviously referring to your average person who is working and reasonably OK financially.

Then talk to people you exchange gifts with and suggest you stop.

I love giving and recieving gifts. It brings me joy to give people presents I think they will love and I think I am a pretty good gift chooser. I think the people who buy me gifts are for the most part very good at choosing gifts, and it's very rare I dislike something I receive (now my mum has passed away, may she rest in peace, but she was an AWFUL present buyer).

I think it helps that I have a range of interests that naturally lend themself to gift options and I am easy to buy for (e.g I have a bit of a Lego habit and I love to cook), plus sole of the interests/things I am a fan of, I share with several gift givers, so they know the subject well.

My partner is a nightmare though. He has one hobby that doesn't lend itself to gift giving. He is the only member of the family that isn't obsessed with Lego, so we tried with that one, but I think last year's Christmas Lego gift still hasn't been built 🤦‍♀️ I do sometimes buy us both theatre or gig tickets as a good option.

I like receiving gifts as well, not from a materialistic perspective, I would be happy with something homemade, but it makes you feel so valued and cherished, when someone has taken the time to think of a gift that they know you will love. That for me is them showing their love through the thought behind it.

Yes I agree. It’s taken years but friends know I don’t do presents. I’ve never expected them anyway but thankfully they no longer buy either. I’m honest and basically say everyone’s busy, let’s make our lives easier by skipping presents. I’m usually the first to remember a birthday and send a message so I feel that counts.

This is really interesting to read as I simply don’t have gift giving as my love language.

If you must gift. Socks. But only the ones that come in packs of 1 pair.

You don’t need everyone else’s permission to withdraw from gift-giving circles. With friend groups, I just made sure that I did it after the last of their birthdays, so mine was next, and just did the “we’ve all got enough stuff, I’m out” thing. Nobody fainted.

Also did this one year with family at Christmas, when I had too much other stuff going on.

We only buy for DC, DP's and 3 DN's (now they are just money). I find most people happy with this. We make sure our DC get a bit more from us as they otherwise won't get much! No one has ever bought me gifts or its always cheap rubbish, so I stopped it!

Unfortunately there's still parties. Just had two family members (same very rich family) turn 18 & 21 - and neither thanked us for the gift, or even acknowledgd it. Also a fancy wedding coming up for which I keep getting invited to events that require a gift & the registry is all designer. I've just said no to event no 3....

I think it's not as straight forward as just giving a gift though. I think some people are extravagant, and might spend a lot of money on something showy or flash. I would hate that and it would actually make me feel uncomfortable. It has to be really thoughtful and personal. I think doing an action would have the same impact. I remember going on holiday and asking my partner to water my garden a couple of times. Completely unasked, he remasticed (sp??) my bath (it had gone black) while I was away. Not the most romantic of gestures, but just so thoughtful. It's the thoughtfulness and taking the time to do something for someone you love that's important, rather than the actual gift.

Your comment made me really reflect on this 😊

We only buy for children in our families, so much easier! This goes for birthdays as well. Totally takes the pressure off

We buy for the kids and also do secret santa.What we do it is everyone writes 3 things that they would love the person that gets them then buys them one of the items they like.That way everyone is getting something they like and saves buying everyone else.There is 15 of us that do it and budget is £50 we save a fortune and no stress etc as only the one person to get.

My DGC are aged between 4 and 10. Last year I asked my AC if we could stop exchanging presents now I’m just on my pension, but I’d get the DGC something. I spent around £20 per grandchild and had wondered if they’d have been encouraged to make me a card, or get a teeny gift at the school Christmas fair, but they didn’t. I took a bottle of wine to each DD when I took the DGC’s presents round (I wasn’t staying to eat with either DD) and they were a little irritated that I’d even done that.

DD2’s MIL is a huge present-giver and goes overboard at Christmas especially, she does sacks of presents for all three of her AC and their partners, as well as for her six DGC, they all live nearby and sees them all at least weekly, but I know whatever I buy looks mean.

Make them each a cake. Shop cakes are horrible, a good home made cake is a joy - unless they are both on diets.

Eldest dsis approached all siblings a few yrs ago and asked if we could stop buying for each other as with grandkuds etc it was getting daft. We also had the 'swapping of £20' the OP mentions!
We have a £20 limit for nephews/nieces (stops at 18) and we buy small gifts for big birthdays ie bottle of something for 50th. I still buy cards but not everyone does and thats ok.
Me and DH rarely get each other gifts, normally do a.meal.out/ theatre or such as we literally dont need anything and cant think of ideas for ourselves!

It just takes someone brave to bring it up! You all dont have to agree and if they say no, uou can still say we are not buying for people this yr ( could always do a charity with the money)