To find gift giving and receiving really stressful and wish we could just stop

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

I have 2 close family members with birthdays coming up and I have no idea what to buy for either of them. I try to choose thoughtful gifts that are within my budget but they dont really need anything and I feel like I've exhausted all my ideas over the years. And then before long I'll need to buy Xmas presents as well!

It's the same with receiving gifts - I'm appreciative of anything I'm given but my house is very small and I haven't got room for any more 'stuff'. The only things I really want cost way more than anyone would be able to spend on me and I'd feel uncomfortable if they did. And if I see something small I'd like I tend to buy it as you can guarantee it wont be in stock if I wait and ask for it for Xmas/birthday.

Some things I've tried before anyone suggests them:

• Secret Santa for close family. Helps a bit but various people wont take part so I still need to buy separately for them
• Buying experiences for my partner and he does the same for me. This is great but he still likes to buy other things and then I feel I should reciprocate
• Asking for money or vouchers and giving the same. This is ideal in some ways but youre basically just swapping money and it feels wrong giving eg my elderly mum £20 in a card!

AIBU to think most adults* dont need any more stuff and gift giving and receiving is a massive pain in the arse?

*Obviously referring to your average person who is working and reasonably OK financially.

I was prepared to be told I'm a miserable tightarse so I'm relived so many people agree with me!

@leperol you sum it up perfectly - when we were kids it was genuinely exciting to get eg a selection box or the toy you'd wanted for months but it's not the same now - chocolate and treats are cheap and easy to come by and the toy would have sold out and only be available on FB/ebay/Vinted for a vastly inflated price!

I really like when I am gifted a bottle of olive oil. It is thoughtful, as the giver knows that it will be appreciated.

Just stop.. It's ridiculous all this feeling under pressure to be buying gifts. I'm sure most people will be relieved when you mention it too.

Reading this with interest, as I've been like this as long as I can remember. It's one of the main reasons that I've always found Christmas so stressful. I absolutely adore all my nearest and dearest, but the thought of enforced/obligatory gift giving makes me incredibly anxious, and I struggle horribly with what to buy people, even those I know really well. I sometimes see a little item and think "DH would love that" and file it away in my memory for a gift giving scenario (and am then inordinately proud of myself for picking an excellent gift!) but generally I'm dreadful at it. There's also a voice in the back of my head reminding me that I don't have much money, and that the £xx would be better spent on food/bills etc.

Funnily enough a conversation with my youngest DS33 resulted in him admitting he feels exactly the same, and we've actually made a pact that we'll do cards, but no more gifts, and that instead, we'll spend a day together somewhere lovely, and having a good lunch.

By contrast, DH is an absolutely fabulous gift buyer, and flippin loves it!
It's weird, I thought I was the only person like this!

We adult siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles etc have stopped it amongst ourselves - we all have enough 'stuff' and we certainly have enough expense!

Christmas presents for children - great. Adults - share a nice bottle of wine or meal or box of chocs and enjoy each other's company. And frankly, if you don't, what's it all about anyway?

I exchange gifts with my BFF because she has no family etc

Does anyone else hate receiving things as well? Only my daughter really knows me well enough to buy things I'll love, my partner is really generous and does try but he doesnt quite know my taste. My family dont have great shops nearby and wont shop online other than Amazon so it's really hard to specify something and anyway, sending them a link rather defeats the point of them choosing something.

I think I'm just at an age where I cant bear waste so I dont really want a generic candle/chocolate bar/jumper or whatever, I want a specific one that I'll love and use. But then I feel really ungrateful 😳

We don’t exchange presents at Christmas and it has transformed it for me. The whole event has lost all the stress and increased the enjoyment.

I wouldn't say I hate it exactly. But so much waste! A uni friend gave me a hideous china figurine. Must have been expensive too. It's sitting at the back of a cupboard now.

I would have loved theatre tickets instead but no one knows I like theatre except DH.

As I said, so glad I don't do Xmas.

We stopped giving birthday /Christmas presents years ago apart from for the two DGCs.
I resented buying something for the sake of it, especially when most recipients have much more money than us and didn’t particularly appreciate the effort I put into it.

Why don't your friends know you like theatre?
Don't you tell them about plays/shows you've seen?

We stopped doing presents when my Mum died. We agreed to have food out, meet ups, fair visits, panto etc instead. Just be firm and don't reciprocate. Every January on here there's post after post about gifts being one way, but don't see that they are trying to bully family members into taking part in gift giving. A box of chocolates for your Mum was a treat for her. Women earned a lot less, so they were treated to things that would never be part of the housekeeping budget. Then it used to be bottles of spirits, not the stuff we are supposed to buy these days. I do buy for my local church toy/toiletry appeal and you have to put them in a gift bag, which is nice, simple and enjoyable.

Ironically it's the older generation who - in my family at least - are pretty comfortable, who want to carry it on. But there's literally nothing they need and it feels really wasteful buying them things for the sake of it especially when money is quite tight for me.

YANBU to want to stop.
YABU to not insist upon it.

Say to everyone. "I am no longer going to buy anyone presents t Christmas. Please don't get me anything either. I'd rather spend the money treating you to lunch out {or whatever they enjoy} at another time of year."

It was like a load lifted when I persuaded all siblings / sibling in law / nephews and nieces to stop the 'present exchange'.

You can stop.
Stop phrasing it as if it is something you'd really like, but isn't going to happen. If your friends are a similar age, they will probably be really pleased at the suggestion.

Absolutely agree. We don't do presents for adults in our family any more bar one aging parent (who loves to give gifts). It was such a relief!!!

I totally agree. In my family we don't really exchange gifts. I might get a sibling present for a birthday with a zero and occasionally I get parents something.
I stopped giving presents to my niblings after they were 18
My inlaws are the opposite. My MIL thinks I am utterly mean to not give my mum a Christmas present. My mum will turn 80 soon and ask my MIL wanted to know was what I got her.
I really dislike gift shopping and I don't enjoy getting gifts that much either.
I would much prefer if we just stopped but for my inlaws that is unthinkable.

I'm older, and although like most on this thread my adult family no longer gifts, I do find that my older friends are reluctant to give up.
They do seem stressed by it though!
I have told them the reason I no longer do this is mostly to take the pressure off younger ones with their busy lives and tight budgets.
I find more joy in surprising them throughout the year, looking for ways to help with things they need or an unexpected treat.

I do agree with this and would prefer nothing. The expense and expectations can add to Christmas stress. Not to mention the amount of utter c**p in the shops designed for those who feel the need to give a wrapped present, which ends up in the charity shop who can't sell it either

Even Martin Lewis is getting behind this now not buying gifts.people have been brainwashed into thinking they need to buy gifts at Christmas.
But you don't have too, you really don't. Start a new tradition

I admit that I am not a fan of receiving things... because it is usually not a gift that I would find useful, or practical. If anything, I'd prefer assistance with a nice DIY project than something that comes in a gift box!

Gift giving... it's a bit of a headache, and expensive, especially on a single income.

It just makes Christmas more stressful than it needs to be.

I'm late 60s and only buy at Xmas/ birthdays for dh and dd. I am very good at finding the right gift. I stopped buying for siblings, friends, nieces and nephews 20 years ago.
Its liberating.

I use to buy expensive gifts for my 2 nieces (4 and 7) spent at least £50 each on birthdays and Christmas stuff like Lego friends sets for the eldest and Annabell/ generations dolls for the youngest. Never get a thank you or nothing. I only have 1 son who is 9 and he always get the same crap from Aldi toy aisle and never gets asked what he's into. SIL not happy when I said I'm not going it anymore made out they'd have to buy more to cover our gifts 'as we'd alway given generously?! Where's my son gets no more than £10 spent on him. Makes me laugh as they have a joint income off over £100k and live in a fancy detached house. I know you don't give to receive back bits it's always been a piss take with them. £10 and a selection box is all their getting this year.

@aLFIESMA can you adopt me please 😂

@Gourdgirl you sound very confident that you buy gifts that are appreciated, any tips?

Honestly my friends buy me shampoo and shower gel of my hair serum. Nothing expensive but stuff I actually use in the year. And I get them a coffee voucher or really nice coffee beans I know they like.

So done with unwanted presents, but I do like the tradition of gift giving.

We put lists together filled with fairly inexpensive things that we actually use in my family.
Mainly it is things like a serum that you'd usually buy, a nice hand soap or showergel, a paperback book, your usual hand cream etc. This year I have a simple glass citrus juicer and a new hand whisk on my list (which I've broken this year) as well as consumables I use through the year, mostly under a tenner.

Family then buy ONE gift from the list, whether it is £5 or £20, wrap it nicely and that is that.

It still feels nice to sit around as a wider family to exchange and unwrap presents all together. It is still a "surprise" as you don't know what specifically it will be. But there is no waste.

In my DH's family we buy them a £50 gift card each, they get us a £50 gift card each. It means there isn't any waste in theory as we each chose the shop, but it does feel a touch transactional.

Almost 30 years ago I stopped buying for anyone other than my DC, my parents (something small) and my DH. My DB and I do a meal out instead of buying for each other.