AIBU- I’m the most important person in my life

[youareminebestfavourite]

Context: I was applying some fake tan and I asked my husband to come in and tan my back.
He asked why I needed my back tanned, if no one else is going to see it, apart from him and I.

I replied that it makes me feel much better about myself if I look fully tanned and not patchy when I see myself naked.
I’m 50, I have some wobbly bits and this is a small
Action I can take to help me feel put together.

He asked why I was so bothered about how I look to myself and I said, I’m the most important person in my life, if I don’t like myself and feel good about myself, then how can I do the best for anyone else… it’s the emotional equivalent of putting your own life jacket on first.

He was super offended because he thinks I don’t care about him now, because he says I’m the most important person in his life, so I should say the same thing about him.

I replied that I had lived 25 years before I met him and I love him wholeheartedly, but I’m the only person who I will have in my life for every minute of every day, so why does he have a problem with me doing some physical self care.

AIBU

I understand what you mean OP but I think it's a quite an insensitive way to express it to your H.

Maybe you could have worded that better, OP. I had a similar conversation, but I explained my self-care is basic self respect.

I need to be well groomed and hygenic and well dressed because then, I can focus on what is going on around me. If I am scruffy or a mess, I can't give anyone or anything my full attention. I feel much more able to copy with things when I am properly dressed.

If you’re the most important person in his life surely he’s not going to argue about helping you apply tanning lotion to make you feel better? He sounds insecure.

YANBU to want your back tanned. He was being unreasonable to think you could just leave an untanned patch. YANBU to say it's important for your self esteem and self respect to look good and take care of yourself.

I think the specific phrase "I'm the most important person in my life" is a bit weird though.

You both sound exhausting

You're going to get replies based on the face you were speaking about fake tan. Of course you are number one, you cannot love anyone or rwspect anyone unless you love and respect yourself first. Your husband sounds childish.

Fake tan isn't self care. 😂

Generally speaking I wouldn’t go about telling my partner I’m the most important person in my life BUT given the context I understand why Op worded it like that.

OPs partner was being ridiculous by not understanding why she was bothered about how she looks herself when he gave her his seal of approval 🙄.

Another example of man being so arrogant to think his opinion of a woman is all so important and that women’s sense of their own beauty relies purely on the male gaze.

He was super offended because he thinks I don’t care about him now, because he says I’m the most important person in his life, so I should say the same thing about him.

Also, actions speak louder than words. You’re the most important person in his life, but yet he couldn’t just appreciate how you feel and get on with applying the tan.

To save future arguments:
https://backbliss.com/product-category/back-lotion-applicators/

Tape the tan mitt on to a wooden spoon to help you reach the awkward bit between your shoulder blades. He doesn’t get to demand you justify to him your reason for wanting fake tan. Next time he starts questioning you in response to you asking for his help just reply “that’s fine, you don’t want to help me”. And go do it yourself. Don’t buy into his drama.

Do people really have conversations like this ? Sounds like a weird scene from a soap opera.

@youareminebestfavourite
It seems a bit overkill for a fake tan.
Your husband asked why you felt the need to use this on your body.
I would say that the underlying reason is that as a 50 year old you were conditioned in your youth, say 25 years ago, to believe that a tanned body was aesthetically more appealing than whiter skin. This means that to make you feel better about yourself now, you choose to use this product.

In my mind the true answer was more likely
Why bother? Because I, like a lot of people, have insecurities, and this is how I choose to keep them at bay.

He sounds insecure. You could also say it’s a bit controlling as he’s said that you’re the most important person to him, he’s caused bad feeling but made out it’s your fault, and now you’ve got to stroke his ego to put the situation straight.
Honestly, to save the aggro just get a spray tan.

If I said this to my dh he’d just laugh. It would be a total non issue. So much drama!

How often do you look at your naked back in the mirror?!

On a side note. You can buy a back tanning applicator for this very purpose. It's very good!

No, you should be the most important person in your own life.

The tan thing seems a bit mental to me, on the other hand.

He sounds insecure and a bit thick. Applying fake tan is a very weird hill to die on here though.

I’m sorry you’re getting such nasty replies op.

Of course yanbu to apply fake tan and want your back tanned. I’m not even sure why your husband is questioning it.

I agree with the overarching principle. We should not neglect our bodies or our minds, because striving to keep both in the best condition we can means we can continue to enjoy our lives, take up experiences, and (if we want to) be useful into our old age.
I think its unfortunate that the argument was made about something aesthetic though. Because when it comes to our appearance, I think happiness with ourselves doesn't come from tinkering around making wobbly bits look better. I think it comes from less self focus rather than more.
If the tan makes you feel good now, enjoy the pleasure. But faffing with appearance produces diminishing returns and there inevitably comes a time when the faffery isn't enough. What then? Invest more and more time and money on more faffery? What are you missing out on trying to improve something that makes very little difference to your ability to enjoy life?
And I say this as an an aesthetic faffer in my 50s who is gradually learning that I have just as much fun, my relationships are just as fulfilling, experiences just as stimulating whether the wobbly bits under my clothes are tanned or not.

Who are you to decide what someone’s self care looks like?