AIBU- I’m the most important person in my life

[youareminebestfavourite]

Context: I was applying some fake tan and I asked my husband to come in and tan my back.
He asked why I needed my back tanned, if no one else is going to see it, apart from him and I.

I replied that it makes me feel much better about myself if I look fully tanned and not patchy when I see myself naked.
I’m 50, I have some wobbly bits and this is a small
Action I can take to help me feel put together.

He asked why I was so bothered about how I look to myself and I said, I’m the most important person in my life, if I don’t like myself and feel good about myself, then how can I do the best for anyone else… it’s the emotional equivalent of putting your own life jacket on first.

He was super offended because he thinks I don’t care about him now, because he says I’m the most important person in his life, so I should say the same thing about him.

I replied that I had lived 25 years before I met him and I love him wholeheartedly, but I’m the only person who I will have in my life for every minute of every day, so why does he have a problem with me doing some physical self care.

AIBU

Why can’t you love and respect anyone if you don’t love and respect yourself? It’s a trope that’s often trotted out, but it makes no sense. There are many people I love very very much, but (sadly?) I don’t love myself. That doesn’t diminish my love for other people.

Thank you for the many and varied replies dear mumsnetters. I feel like the tanning is a bit of a distraction, feel free to sub in your preferred self-care/ grooming activity, like brushing your hair or doing your nails, or you could consider something that you ask your partner to help with. The essence of my question is, AIBU to consider myself the most important person in my life?
I’m not selfish- I spent 2 years looking after my MIL when she was dying, I have elderly parents I see regularly, etc etc.
If I was going to write this post again, I’d delete the bit about the tan and just ask the big question straight off, without any context

He asked why I was so bothered about how I look to myself

I'm glad I have a husband who encourages me to look after myself, and make an effort to look good.

The other thing is is that MN is so obsessed with looks, but not in the way you would think. Anyone who makes an effort with their looks, weight, hair or makeup must be an empty vessel with no hobbies or interests and must be lacking in brain cells.

Screw that. If you are good-looking, or do things to make yourself look good - go for it!!!

Why can't people see good looks for the asset, the privilege that it is and celebrate it? Why is being born with the gift of intelligence, or a talent any more deserving than being born with the gift of good looks?

Finally, OP you are in your 50's, sniper alley. You do what you want to do to make yourself feel good. I bet you have spent the past 35 years bending yourself out of shape for everyone else.

Off to buy some fake tan now as feeling inspired.

@youareminebestfavourite you have no problem with your self esteem . He does . He was questioning why you were tanning your back. who was he suggesting was seeing it and when ?

YANBU, OP.
Oh and on the fake tan thing - the Dove gradual tan mousse (the medium-dark one is best, as the light-medium one is very very light) - is chef's kiss and always makes me feel better to have a little glow, especially at this time of year. (and I get my husband to do my back too 😂)

I’m intrigued about how you came to me married to a 10 year old. Did he lob his toys out of the pram too? Pathetic.

Seriously,?

My dh would just have done it without me having to a speech on self love and care and his ego not being damaged.

This sounds exhausting.

It might not be to you, but it is to youareminebestfavourite

I think you phrasing in clumsy and antagonistic. Your prioritising self care and tan makes you happy.

I adore my dh because he nevers comments on my appearance. I got look a hag or very groomed and he still thinks im fab. Being groomed makes me happy in myself.

Lol. I know your partner wasn't being helpful but also, who uses fake tan in October, unless you're going on holiday? I can't see the point..I think you both need a cup of tea and a kit kat.

I think we should all be number 1 in our own lives. If we are secure in ourselves we can give more.

It is a silly reason to argue though - on his side.

Samantha from SATC is that you ?

FWIW I agree with you. Husband is being silly.

As a joke or a serious sulking comment.
I could not be bothered with this mind game shite.
Fake tan always looks so fake tanned.

I think it was how you said it. My kids are the most important people in my life, but at the same time I have to look after myself to help ensure I have a long life with them.

I’m always up for a cup of tea and a kitkat! I’m in NZ, it’s late spring and this is the first tan of the season!

Hard disagree. If you spend time doing something that makes you feel good then it’s self care.

I can see both sides of this. Simplistically, I think you are just looking at the conversation from a 'man' and a "woman's" viewpoint, which as a general observation are often very different. You understand what you mean, whereas he is just hearing the words you are speaking and taking them literally. Which would be hurtful. He is hearing "You are not important to me!", even though you obviously don't mean that.

I also think self care is very important and absolutely I'll do things that make me happy. And I know I need to love, prioritise and accept myself. But the most important people in my life are my daughter and husband. I'm probably not explaining that very well.

Apologies. Hadn't thought you could be somewhere far away. Yes husband sounds mean..I don't think I'd have used the expression you used but he wasn't at all kind. Hope you two can make friends again. best wishes.

I use fake tan in October. Do you generally struggle to imagine experiences outside of your own?

Thank you, I think you’ve actually managed to articulate what I actually meant and how I’m feeling.

I do appreciate everyone who has offered their opinions - regardless of whether you think my desire to look like Malibu Barbie is valid or not (lol, that was just for the self tan haters xo)

My thoughts exactly. It's like something out of a magazine quiz or some pony and trap a 'self help guru' would come up with.

All so tiring to be around.

This ^
I don’t do self tan but I straighten my hair, I don’t think in 30 years together my DH ever questioned this.
added: DD is the most important person in my life but i can see your point of view either.

Yes I do.

Feels like a few things - that he thinks things are only valuable if they can be seen. That you shouldn't be spending your time on things he's not bothered about. That you should be spending your time on the most important person - him. Some people think it's a duty of women to look their best for other people and can't imagine that you may want to do something for yourself.