AIBU- I’m the most important person in my life

[youareminebestfavourite]

Context: I was applying some fake tan and I asked my husband to come in and tan my back.
He asked why I needed my back tanned, if no one else is going to see it, apart from him and I.

I replied that it makes me feel much better about myself if I look fully tanned and not patchy when I see myself naked.
I’m 50, I have some wobbly bits and this is a small
Action I can take to help me feel put together.

He asked why I was so bothered about how I look to myself and I said, I’m the most important person in my life, if I don’t like myself and feel good about myself, then how can I do the best for anyone else… it’s the emotional equivalent of putting your own life jacket on first.

He was super offended because he thinks I don’t care about him now, because he says I’m the most important person in his life, so I should say the same thing about him.

I replied that I had lived 25 years before I met him and I love him wholeheartedly, but I’m the only person who I will have in my life for every minute of every day, so why does he have a problem with me doing some physical self care.

AIBU

Unless this is a recent thing he must be used to doing this so has he had enough/didn't want to do it right at that moment?

I mean if so he should just have said.

Self-care isn't self-care when someone else has to do it for your. Get yourself an applicator so you can do it yourself and don't need to keep asking him.

I find it very weird too!

YANBU to do stuff for yourself but it's an odd choice of words tbh.

That must be incredibly limiting. You poor thing.

YANBU in the slightest, OP.

and ignore any snotty comments on here about your fake tan… some posters will judge you as frivolous, vain, and self absorbed for it, and lacking intellectual depth, which is nonsense.

Also…..It sounds as if your husband doesn’t want you to look attractive…. Red flag 🚩
@youareminebestfavourite

It's entirely valid to want to do things that make you feel good about yourself. He's being ridiculous to question that.

I think your reaction was a bit OTT though, even if you are the most important person in your life did it need saying out loud?

My kids are far and away the most important people in my life, but I don't think I've ever expressly told DH he's not as important as them.....

We all have our crosses to bear

@EmailsaysOOO

everyone looks better with a tan- whatever time of year! And it’s not like in uk we gonna get much sun in October to get a natural tan like in summer. You should give it a go, spice up your life

was my thought exactly...

I think what your husband is probably upset about is that "I'm the most important person in my life" comes across as "I'm always going to put my needs before anyone yours", which probably isn't actually true.

I actually agree with you. I'm the most important person in my life. But that doesn't mean I'm always going to put my needs before DP. For instance, tonight we're going to see her Aunt perform. I'm going to find it excruciating. I can't stand her Aunt, I think she's way less talented than she thinks she is, and I wouldn't enjoy the type of music she sings even if she was brilliant at it.

But I'm going to go, and I'm going to pretend I want to be there, because DP wants to go and couldn't find anyone else to go with her. It'll make her happy, and her being happy makes me happy. So by doing something for her, I'm also doing something for myself in the longer term, despite the fact I'm going to spend this evening wanting to shove a rusty fork under my fingernails.

I get what you're saying but saying this to your DH ... ouch

Why are so many people focused on the self tan? This thead isn't about self tan or the issue of self tanning or even about applying self tan. Its not abut self tan at all. Thats just the context 🙄 nor is it about him not wanting you to look attractive 🙄🙄

OP, if your relationship runs like most others, he can afford for you to be the most important person in his life because he will never neglect his own needs in the process of putting your first. He will naturally look after his own needs.

You are more likely to prioritise everyone else's needs first and to put yourself last or to neglect yourself in favour of the rest of the family.

So when you say that you are the most important person in your life, what you're really saying is that you're not putting yourself last and are looking after your own well being before you give everything to everyone else.

Your perspective isn't wrong and neither is his. You just have a different experience of the world.

You phrased that in a hilariously insensitive manner but no, YANBU.

I dont wear makeup or self tan for other people either, I wear it because I like it.

It would be quite sad if you had to put on fake tanner because you feared other people wouldn't approve of you otherwise wouldn't it? surely your husband wouldnt want you to have such poor self esteem

I'm being treated for breast cancer so having a tanned back is quite far down on my list of concerns right now.

Or maybe he doesn’t like fake tan.
Not everyone does and that’s ok but of course if OP likes it then that’s fine too.

I understand what you are saying, but it's a very insensitive way to put it to your partner. Many things in life are brutally true- but that does not mean we should voice them.

He didn’t say he didn’t like it but also it doesn’t matter if he likes it or not.

She wasn’t asking to put fake tan on his body.

She had already applied it on the rest of her body and just needed him to finish off on the back, so it really shouldn’t turn into this great production and debate over it.

Your husband sounds like a colossal prick to be honest. Spoilt, hypersensitive baby.

I use self tan. I can tan very well naturally (dark hair/eyes/warm colouring) but prefer not to as it damages my skin. The self tan gives me a subtle glow. I don’t bother wearing any make up either most of the time.

Putting harmful chemicals on your skin for no medical reason is never going to be care. Soz.

I would be pissed off that he even questioned me about . Does he really want to know or is he being dismissive that nobody cares what I look like . Very annoying.

I was curious about this and have just Googled and cannot find any harmful chemicals in fake tan. Some may cause mild irritation, but nothing harmful. Please could you list which chemicals there are that are harmful?

Bit of an involved conversation, but I agree with you! You do you.