DC accused of bullying

[PeachyPotatoes]

I received a text on Friday evening from a parent at my daughter’s school. She got my number from a nursery group chat. She alleged that my daughter, 7, is bullying her daughter who is in the same class by; kicking her under the table, bumping into her deliberately, inviting her over to play they telling her to go away, and the worst of all, throwing her lunchbox across the playground after inviting her to sit with her and her two friends.
I was absolutely shocked by these allegations; my daughter is kind and friendly, confident and just lovely. However, I’m not there at school, so I told the Mother I would speak with my DC.
I asked DC what she thought about this other girl in the first instance. She said she was “alright” but that they weren’t friends. I asked if anything had happened between them. She described the lunchbox incident, but said it was another child who had done it and my DC had helped pick up the contents of the lunchbox. I then explained this child was going home upset every day after school, allegedly because of her. DC had no idea why she would say that.
I then phoned the Mother and outlined what my DC had said. The Mother was friendly, but adamant that my DC was systematically bullying her DC. I advised her to contact the school, as this is where these alleged incidents have taken place. I also emailed the school to inform them.
The school replied and said they were completely unaware of any issues between the two DC and had any of that been going on, the teacher would have seen it. They advised my DC to speak with the teacher should anything happen with the other DC.

I’m so taken aback by all of this. Firstly that the Mother, who I don’t know, got my number from a completely unrelated source. Secondly the allegations which are awful. When I spoke with my DC regarding this, I warned her should anything be happening at all, it ends now. She assured me nothing is happening.

Im absolutely torn. I believe my DC, but I’m of course concerned for the other DCs welfare. The school are keeping a close eye. If my DC is innocent, why have these allegations been made? According to the Mother, she has been discussing this with other parents. I’m not happy my DC has been labelled a bully when there is no evidence. Where do I take it from here?

Aibu to believe my DC?

Not sure there's anymore you can/should do.

You've spoken to your DC.

You've made school aware.

Unless school or DC tell you more then leave it.

Why are you getting drawn into this?

Block or silence the messages.

Speak to child provider and ask what is this about. Leave it to them.

I had this once. School said there was a few things but nothing fir them to ring me.

You will have a long time ahead if you keep engaging with mums like this.

Those are pretty specific things for the other child to detail. And your dd did know about the lunchbox incident but positions herself as the one helping the girl rather than throwing it? Doesn’t it seem odd to you that a child would be so wrong about who threw her lunchbox vs the one who helped her. I wouldn’t immediately believe your dd.
It would be very, very odd for a child to detail such specific incidents, for the mother to go out of her way to contact you and for your dd to be the one picked out. Be firm with your dd that school is watching and so is everyone else.

Well you believe your daughter, she believes her.

Who is the other child your daughter said three the lunchbox? Did they contact their parents?

Every parent believes their child and thinks they would never lie. It’s a real problem for schools as we know kids do lie - sometimes when the evidence is right in front of us.

Neither account will be completely accurate.
You've done the right thing making school aware. Which is what the other child's mum should have done, instead of getting your number from a group chat and contacting you directly.

I write this As the mother of a child whom I’m having to move schools because of incidents like this but also worse.

My daughter isn’t sleeping, her self worth is on the floor. There are a group of 3 mothers all of whom say their child is lovely and would never do this.

Children are learning, none of them are perfect but this resolute response of - this isn’t happening - is so toxic and damaging to their children as it is my daughter.

id just say keep an open mind. This kind of behaviour isn’t a reflection on your daughter’s character or your parenting. She might have gone a bit wrong and needs just putting back on track. As I’m sure will be the same for my children at some point.

They are very specific examples for a child to have made up.

Is it possible that the other child is being bullied,but is too scared to name the child,so has blamed your DC instead?

I only ask because I had a similar issue with my son recently. Luckily,I'm very good friends with the other child's mum,so we were able to get to the bottom it quite quickly.

Can imagine it's more difficult if you don't know the other parent well,but I'd suggest casually asking your DC after school every day,whether they had seen anyone being mean to the other child,and if so what had happened. Might give you a better idea of what is going on.

As a child who got bullied by the same girl throughout primary and secondary school, they do a good job of hiding it from the teachers. My mum spoke to my year 6 teacher who basically said the same as yours - that she'd have noticed. Well, she didn't, and I hated my entire schooling years because of that girl. She might be kind and confident to everyone else, but she might also be bullying one person.

I think you and the other girl's mum could work well together to get this sorted. If it's actually not your daughter, then she can now stand in this girl's corner, which may deter the real bully. If it is your daughter, she'll know she's been caught and under scrutiny, so that will also hopefully stop it.

You can’t be cross at her for finding your number. She had your number already from the group chat- that’s what happens when you join a group chat, you effectively give everyone in the chat your number.

Is your daughter good friends with the girl who she’s saying actually threw the lunchbox? I would be firm and tell your daughter that the teachers have been told of the allegations and if they’re found to be true she will be in a lot of trouble.

The parent is mad to contact you directly. Ask the teacher for your child to be moved so they don't sit next to each other. I'd block the mum on your phone.

One of our kids was bullied and we had absolutely no doubt that if we had raised it with the mother she wouldn’t have believed us. She is perfectly nice but seems to dote on her son and just wouldn’t have seen it. He was also careful enough to do it out of sight of teachers. It was awful for our child to go through at the time though,

People are good at saying believe the victim right up until the person who is accused is someone they love (or just like and respect). Suddenly victims seem much harder to believe.

I would be very wary of dismissing what this child is saying. It would be unusual to make completely unfounded allegations that are so specific, and to name your child who apparently “helped”.

If you believe your daughter take a hard line with the school. The other mother by her own admission is spreading this around the class. This is bullying in its own way and needs to stop

You shouldn’t have engaged. You did the right thing flagging it to the school. Let the school handle it.

There is a girl in my daughters class who everyone believes is 'just lovely', who has targeted my daughter for the past year, ever since my daughter got fed of her bad mouthing their joint friends and told her she didn't want to be friends with her because of this.

The bully often comes across to adults and most children as 'a lovely kind person', that's how they can get away with it for so long. If they are mean to everyone then they are quickly found out and lose their power.

It's wrong that this mum contacted you, she should have gone to the school. Only once have I spoken to another mum about bullying, and that was a courtesy to let her know I was speaking to the school as we were friends, not because I was trying to resolve it between us.

I would keep an open mind on this, the truth is probably somewhere between what this mum is saying and your daughter is saying. Did your daughter name who actually threw the lunchbox? If she won't, that would make me think there is truth in what the other girl is saying, and it either was your daughter, or your daughter is protecting a bully, which is pretty bad also.

Clearly the lunchbox incident did happen as both children agree on that. It seems surprising to me that a 7yo would get the wrong name of the child who did it, rather than the child who helped her. It would be different if they were 4yo and might get names muddled. It does seem more likely to me that your child is lying. But it's not definite either way.

I don't think the school is right to say that the teacher would have seen it. After all, they didn't see the lunchbox incident and we know that happened.

I don't think you're wrong to believe and support your child for the moment, until there's a clearer picture. But you should definitely keep an open mind about this. It's certainly possible that your child is guilty - even nice children can be nasty at times.

I am not sure it's that surprising that the child who is bullied could lie/get it wrong but yes worth keeping an open mind. One of my classmates at primary school accused me of bullying her, saying I'd got some boys to beat her or something, her mum rang mine. The reality is I was one of the few talking to her at the time and trying to be nice when everyone was avoiding her, and I certainly didn't have enough clout at that school to get the boys to do anything (and I've never needed boys to do things for me anyway) 😂why she lied i never knew. I just stayed away from her after that it was easier. On the plus side my mother did believe me. But it was a ludicrous accusation too....
But yes there are always 3 versions of what actually happened. Keep an open mind but support your child unless and until you have more clarity.

No it isn't, not if the OP's daughter is lying. Just because she believes her, doesn't mean she's telling the truth.

@PeachyPotatoes Good job delegating this to school. It is in school it happens and I don't understand why the mother didn't contact school first? It might be true, it might not. Only an objective third party like the teacher can tell.

The schools response is the usual crap of “nothing to see here.” You’ve had it confirmed by your child that this girl had her lunch box thrown across the room, so you know something is happening to this girl and the school are saying that nothing has happened or they’d have seen it… well, they didn’t see the lunch box incident, did they?

Schools are terrible at dealing with bullying and denials are always part of it. So ignore that. Something is definitely happening.

You daughter says she helped the girl collect her lunch after it was thrown, but the other girl is saying your daughter threw it and has been kicking her and all the rest of it. That’s just a few too many accusations for it to be totally untrue or nothing to do with your kid. You need to take it seriously so your child doesn’t end up becoming a horrible little girl.

No-one ever believes their child is a bully. Teachers don't always notice, especially if the child just accepts the bullying without making a fuss, I mean in a class of 30 it's easy enough to miss kicking under the table or an "accidental" shove.
My DD2 tried to kill herself when she was 8 because of bullying, she still has mental health problems 10 years later but apparently she wasn't being bullied (according to her crap teacher).
I'm not saying your DD is a bully but just that you maybe looking at this through rose tinted eyes. You know at least one incident happened, so why do you think the child's lying about the others? And your DD knows it was wrong so if it was her she's not going to admit it.
Really though the other mum should have contacted the school and as you have now done so perhaps whatever the issue is and whoever the bully is it will get sorted. IME it's never a good idea for parents to contact each other because obviously parents are going to believe their own child.

I don’t think the other mother has done anything wrong. Your daughter may be innocent but she may also be fibbing to keep herself out of trouble. I would wonder why the other child would lie though. It sounds like you are handling it very well

Undoubtedly the other child had her lunchbox thrown across the playground, your DD agrees that did happen.

Its a very odd thing that the other child would lie about who actually did that.

The mother is shit stirring by taking matters into her own hands and not going through the proper channels. She should be letting the school handle it, not disappearing behind her keyboard. Imagine if her kid was lying or named the wrong child?

OP,
This happened to us.

DS aged 11, new to secondary. His dad (we were friendly with both parents) approached me and said my DS had been, with another child, throwing their son's water bottle across the playground. I was 'horrified', I really was. Spoke to DS after school, and yes, he admitted it. I spent a long time talking to him and insisted we went to child's house to give a full, unreserved apology. We rehearsed what he needed to say.
It helped that we were friendly though, I must say.

It was a horribly upsetting and difficult conversation, both parents present. But it was a good outcome.

1. Because I didn't automatically believe my son could be innocent.
2. A face-to-face apology helped. ( May not always work in all situations. )
3. My son was honest and admitted it.
4. The maturity of his parents, which i will never forget.

The boys were never close, but we are, luckily, still v close friends with his parents.

But, this was a village; it was 16 years ago; and we were lucky.
I realise not all situations will pan out like this, but it is ALWAYS wise to keep an open mind about one's own DC in a situation like this.
As a PP mentioned, even nice children can be a bit mean mean sometimes.

I hope it sorts out for you, your DC, and the child involved in the bullying.

Edit to add, as the PP said, I too, would find it difficult to accept the the victim child in this got it so wrong, that she muddled up who was the perpetrator and who was the one who helped her.